Been considering the last few years. Signs of trouble were aplenty.
One was in the ML arena - maybe once every 3 months. W would always use the excuse of her diabetes meds making her sick or affecting her sex drive. This had been going on since 2005. She has since said she just didn't want me touching her.
One was in my hiding from reality - we had problems. After trying to discuss them, rather than the arguments that would start, I went on AD meds to avoid the friction. W did at a later date as well. Instead of dealing with the problems, we just gave up.
One was in the level of respect we've shown each other. It seemed like we got to a point where we were trying to outdo each other in our ability to not show respect. I can't think of anything more destructive, and I have to wonder if we were even aware of it at the time.
So, what were our problems with each other?
W's problems with me (most recent complaints were last year): Didn't help around house as much as she thought I should Wasn't a good father I changed after my car accident And depending on who you believe: Lastly, I never took care of her, bought her anything or did anything for her - So I guess lousy husband in general
I could argue her complaints here, but, what would the point be?
My 180's on these issues are: Making sure, dinner, dishes, vacuuming and dusting is done daily. We do our own laundry, so that isn't an issue. Always make time to do things with the kids - even the adult ones (my girls have disputed my W's interpretation of whether I was a good father or not, which does make me feel better about that one) And of course I changed after my car accident! It took more than three years of therapy, healing, acupuncture, etc.. When I finally got to the point I realized just how screwed up I was (right after BD1), I did take other action and became more of who I used to be - hard work and time. But, some things DO change with age. I feel I've matured in certain areas, while W wants to go back and relive her teenage years... IMHO, the last one isn't worth responding to. I know I'm not perfect, but, I flatly refuse any aspect of the claim I did none of the above.
My issues with W:
She always has to be right - will not agree to disagree or see another point of view. Mind you, I'm not asking her to agree with it, just see that there's more than one way of thinking about an issue or problem. Has been very critical of my family over the years. In some areas, I agree. In others, I do not - but family bashing is not constructive. When I've been asked to help do something, it had to be done HER way - regardless if the outcome was the same or not. Has exhibited a complete lack of respect in many areas - allowing D23's boyfriend to move in (when she was 16); not discussing animals being brought into the house knowing I have allergies; blaming others for the clutter in the house, when most of it is actually hers; I could go on, but, I will not...
Yesterday, she sent me a text accusing her of leaving her no gas in the car to get to work on. This really confused me since she had the car, AT WORK, on Saturday while I had the truck picking up a load of lumber for my parents - I never touched the car on Saturday. This made me feel like she was just looking for an argument. I was able to avoid it by reminding her what we drove on Saturday, but, the accusation really aggravated me.
The above and the fact that W still does not think my issues with her are important enough to discuss, is why I've recently come to the conclusion I have: this M cannot be saved. So far, we agree on everything - she can have anything in the house; she can't afford the house; she have the F250 (even though I doubt she'll be able to afford gas); joint custody of D13 (who doesn't want to leave the house).
But, she wants to stay a 'happy family' until her mother comes down for a visit in June. I'm not sure I can go that long playing house. I don't think it's fair, and I fear it will only breed more contempt unless we come up with a S agreement. I do NOT want to continue living like this.
Her mother knows we've been having problems; she has mentioned to me that W has changed drastically. I don't really see the point in waiting. All three D's know something is wrong - we're sleeping in separate rooms, for crying out loud. I'm not going to sleep in the same bed with her for two weeks in June, just so she can try to make her family believe a lie - it goes against everything I'm made of...
