But I can't use it...I already told him I was staying the night...
So I need to tell him I have changed my mind...
Also Val...yes it is partially about me and H, he wants to spend the night in the house with S, and I need a break for S, can't it be for two people to benefit, also S will be able to spend time with H too...good for all is what I see...
I am still learning..
So... "I agreed with your idea, I will be staying at my mother's Saturday night."
does that work, we can fine tune it on Saturday afternoon when I leave...
Also Val...he is relocating 3 hours away to another state...it will have to be discussed in more detail in the future for sure...also a long ride for S...plus H will have to come up then go back so we will have to cross that road when we get there...
Thanks for the feedback...
Also got back on unemployment today was on it before S birth after gettign laid off...and applied for a very promising job today that I am excited about...I was not going to return to work before BD because we were to have another child, and then stay at home for that child also...
I am excited but still nervous of the load on me with working and taking care of S, this will be new to me...but in the end it is something I need to do and I feel positive about right now
Ha - After two years - I'm still learning. We always will be.
Originally Posted By: findingself
But I can't use it...I already told him I was staying the night...
So I need to tell him I have changed my mind...
Ok... so
"I've changed my mind about Saturday. I'll leave the house. Can you be here by 12p?"
Originally Posted By: findingself
Also Val...yes it is partially about me and H, he wants to spend the night in the house with S, and I need a break for S, can't it be for two people to benefit, also S will be able to spend time with H too...good for all is what I see...
Good.. because understanding that YOU benefit from this as well will stop any anger from being projected on him by you.. if that makes sense.
So... "I agreed with your idea, I will be staying at my mother's Saturday night."
Originally Posted By: findingself
Also Val...he is relocating 3 hours away to another state...it will have to be discussed in more detail in the future for sure...also a long ride for S...plus H will have to come up then go back so we will have to cross that road when we get there...
Yes - a bridge that you may have to cross at a later time.....
... just keep remembering that the pain that he causes YOU is completely separated from the relationship he has with his S.
Originally Posted By: findingself
Thanks for the feedback...
Anytime.
Keep working at it. This was a good step!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
yeah I did good!!! Thanks Val!!! Appreciated the feedback!!
Like the second line message!
like the spin that I will benefit from it to...that does help now if only I had realized that more, or admitted more to the fact that leaving you child for a night is not being a bad mother it is being a good mother...live and learn
well no comment from H on the FB message to him about Sat, the message does not say he has read it yet either...don't know if he has it set up to go to e-mail or not...I guess it is a wait and see.
I will know better on Saturday and am not pushing it...
I do have a local contact with a friend from High School going through the same thing just a month ahead of me...spent 5 hours on a snowy day talking about it...she gave advice I gave advice...works well because we are both independent, controlling, leaders. Always have been, a quality H's use to like and now do not. Our H's just both turned 34, my H on Friday.
Hey do I say Happy Birthday to him on Saturday when he arrives...advice on how to handel this would be appreciated. If we were together I would be giving him a card, present, going out to eat etc. So now I was planning on S painting a picture and a simple Happy Birthday from me when I see him before I leave the house on Saturday.
I say yes to happy birthday, maybe card from S? My birthday, then H's birthday is in May so I've been wondering the same thing... good thing I have my bday first!
Careful about what you think you know with what H used to like... early on I had a breakdown moment where I said the same thing to H "I know I'm demanding and controling and too independent". His sad reply was "I've never minded any of that". And I can truly see that he didn't. Your husband was attracted to those qualities in you and probably still is. Have you examined what else could be an issue? I'm pretty confident in my R that my H didn't feel I loved him plain and simple. I was keeping all the balls in the air and running my family out of love for my H, but it's not the love expression that spoke most to him. Have you read 5 LL yet? I've recommended that book like 3 times this morning here.
I think the hardest thing for me, and maybe you too, is the sense of failure. I don't admit failure easily. I may concede, but I don't fail in general. So it's a huge blow to our ego to really relinquish control and know that we can't make this turn out one way or another.
It sounds like the panic is starting to subside. Keep up the good work!
I think that I always came first in the relationship, I put my needs ahead of H's and he suffered because of it. Yes I have read 5 LL's and do feel I never fully understood or addressed his needs and now see how much the intimacy affected the relationship...I mean the lack of...this was an ongoing discussion over the years and I fully never addressed it, did not know how, and did not give it the attention it needed. I thought is was not that important to me and ignored how important it was to H because I did not know how to give it to him the ways he wanted.
I would love to apologize to him about not giving him the love he deserved over the years, it was not that I did not want to it was that I did not know how to and then pushed it aside because I did not want to admit that I was not right and needed help, that I was not as perfect as I thought I was.
H has a lot of history in his past that effects our future and present in feelings of rejection from his family, I knew this but could never fix it for him. I knew he loved me unconditionally but I don't think he knew that or felt that from me, if I did not give him the physical love he felt then no other love language I gave him worked...he wanted this first and I was not willing to provide it for my own selfish reasons and issues at the time.
It is just so hard as I want to say these things to him, but he is not willing to hear them, he is so mad and angry and frustrated and hates that I put him in a position that he had to tell me he was unhappy with his life, had to leave his marriage and child behind to find happiness that he thought he should have had right here with me and his son.
Yes I am taking a lot of the burden at this time, also the burden that I can only change myself and out of love for H I need to give him space and time to heal and hopefully get to a point to talk to me about our relationship.
I know we would all love the chance to try again, but it does not make it easy when the other person tells you it is too late, as much as I try to rationalize that he is hurting and has hurt for a long time it does not make my pain go away.
Only thing I can do at this time is try to change for myself, my child and show H the love I can by letting him go and find himself so that he might be willing to try to find his way back to me someday/
okay...so 5 LL...My H's physical touch...how do I show him this? Do I try to touch him, we have not touched since BD and he would not hug me back...I have mentioned at times i want to hug him to which he says nothing...
Mine H too! And I've been wondering the same thing... we've had a very no-touchy policy since I found out about OW. And my PRIDE doesn't want to give that up, but my brain is asking me "do I want my marriage or not?" - but the reality is HOW do you start physical touch w/ WAH? Esp when I don't see him often? We were really touchy feely all the time for the first half of our marriage, obviously dropped off. Funny thing is that I'm super touchy affectionate with my kids. Ridiculously so, they can't walk by without me grabbing & hugging or reaching out to them. But if I really think about it, that's mostly happened since he's left too.
