Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

[BRNR]

I need a partner, not some A*&hole who is just so smug and happy with himself.

This one made me smile. Not because I'm laughing at either of you, but because I remember that feeling clearly. I've even said those words (very similar anyway). It's good to identify the needs you have. It is. But it's also good to recognize the hurt in those words and the lashing out that it seems to be. Frustration. Pain. A plan to take back control. Identification of your needs that are not being met. That's what that meant to me when I said those things. Is that similar to how you felt when you wrote that?

I don't 100% know the intentions behind these words when I wrote them. Is it my feelings...yes. Is it my expression of hurt, frustration, and pain...yes. Identification of my needs that are not being met...yes.

BUT, these are still needs that my H was always able to provide and who I still want to provide them, even though in my rational brain of mine, I know he cannot.

Many of the mlcers play nice until "mommy or daddy" set boundaries or tell them that they aren't going to play their game of giving them everything that they want or demand.

And later many will figure out it was just what they wanted "at that moment" but not what they "wanted". I think that fits in with the other posts in this thread and correlates with what others have also seen.

Please expand on this thought...it sounds to me as you are saying they are looking for boundaries. and in many ways I can possibly see this, and in many ways I can't. Just the other day, my S14 said he likes being with me over Dad, as Dad doesn't give them structure and is too easy...

You have a MLCr that seems to be trying harder sooner than many. Don't give up hope, but remember it is a very long process. Detaching is something you'll have to do now or later, but I highly recommend doing so now. Get off that roller coaster.

I do see this, and see and feel that he loves me of some sorts, but doesn't want to admit it or express it. For me it is not enough and the pain hasn't subsided nor has he acknowledged it, which I guess in turn makes it hard for me at least to detach. I see the love he has for me, and I feel the pain I have for him.

I hate (I know strong word) knowing that my marriage is dead. I hate knowing that what we had was so wonderful that many acknowledged it as such and it is gone. I hate feeling like I will never have that again (although this is my feelings now and know that I probably will have it, just not for some time). I hate seeing the pain in my children's eyes. I hate feeling the pain in my own heart.

To love someone so unconditionally that it consumes you to no end...this is how I feel. Just because the rug was pulled out, doesn't mean it can't neatly be placed back under. This is what I am feeling.

I guess my own emotions have been buried for some time...because they were otherwise spent on other things, including H. I love him, and wouldn't trade him for anything, even now.

On the pain, remorse, and guilt...not to sound callous, but I really do hope he feels this way. He should, he has caused others to feel it, why shouldn't he...and I guess, in my mind, if I can believe he does feel it, than I can act more as-if, and know that he has done this to himself and it is nothing I have done to him. And he will have to feel it everyday, possibly for the rest of his life...

Detaching is a strong thing to do. I guess I haven't been strong enough to do this. It is high time I start trying...where to start??? I will have to put my energy into something...maybe focus my time and energy into all those cosmetic household things we (yes H & I) planned to do this spring to the house. Painting, gardening, cleaning out the basement, etc...

I also think that if I can "replace" every mean thing he says and does with something nice that would help me. Maybe I will pull out an old card or letter with his loving words every time it happens just to remind me he is not this man...that my man is dead and would have never said or done the things he is doing. I don't know, silly I know, but sounds good to me. I need to hear that I matter to someone, and he used to think that I was his world. I need to be reminded of those feelings...it made me feel really good.

Thank you all...I didn't do the letter, didn't even know where to start, but I know that the letter wouldn't have mattered much anyway. Guess I was having one of those low, low, low moments...despite not living with H, I can't get away from him because of the kids, but I can go dim again so I am not exposed to his shenanigans. I need to not worry that this will hurt him, or hurt any sorts of reconciliation should there be one. If he wants me, he will need to put out a lot more than the occasional text that says good morning...besides, I think this was his way to keep me tied to him a little and make him feel like he wasn't Sh*&ing on me...the reality is, he is, and has, and I think I need not to forget that...