2.4, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you have found this place relatively early, so that's a good thing. You've started reading, which is also a good thing.
Read DR when you get it, and then I'd highly recommend "The Five Love Languages." It sounds like you have been giving love in the wrong language.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
Main issues in M are that we are not independent enough, i have taken W for granted, not shown enough love and affection - or shown it the wrong way (through gifts and going out of way to do anything for her), but more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way - W feels she needs to have her own life where she can do what she wants, not have to answer to anybody.
The independent issue sounds more like WAS crap than a real issue. Of course she wants some independence now so she can pursue OM....that's not the same as a problem in the M.
Why does your W think you are protective and controlling? Do you think these are true? How are you addressing them?
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
I have tried some 180's which are being noticed. But i feel like things are getting worse. We are getting along very well, better than the last few years, but where I used to make her laugh all the time - I can't - maybe through trying too hard! As I said I keep making silly mistakes, which to W look like I am tracking or keeping tabs. This then pulls us apart an W does not communicate.
What are your 180s?
A lot of what you are saying sounds like your W is asking for some space....give it to her. If you pursue, she is going to run, don't.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
I am not sure the full on DB approach will work, or maybe I am afraid W will see this as me accepting and therefore she will move on quicker. But is my more subtle approach just coming across as false, like I am just not taking the situation and what she wants seriously.
Might be better to read the book before you make any judgements. And I think you can respect your W's wishes without appearing like you are ok with it. A simple statement such as "W, I don't want a D, but I do want you to be happy, and if D is what you think you need to achieve that, I will respect your wishes" addresses both.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
Also wedding rings. W does not wear hers. I am wearing mine. Should this be taken off to make her realise I am taking this seriously.
You'll see differing opinions on this one. Some say take it off, because when your W sees it on your finger, she'll feel pressured. Others choose to keep it on as a symbol of their commitment to the M. I think you have to do what feels right for you.
Initially, I kept mine on because of my commitment to the M, but now I haven't worn mine in 6+ months. My still wears hers, but yet is still set on D...so all in all, I don't think it matters that much.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
I wish I could stop thinking about it. 24 hours, even my dreams. I am trying not to panic, trying to be patient - but every day seems like an up hill struggle with the occasional fall and starting at the bottom again.
That's a pretty good description of it...it's a rough ride. I don't think it really gets any better, but you will learn to not let it affect you so much and be true to yourself despite what is going on in your sitch. Just hang in there, post often, vent here instead of to your W, etc.
