Served

[movingon-1968]

I'am not in denial about W wanting a D. I hear her and I acknowledge her feelings.

Do you?

I told her the reason she still feels the same is because she has not done any work to try to change those feelings.

This is why I asked the above. You're telling her why she feels the way she does - that's trying to control her and you might as well beat your head against a rock!!

While I study books on Saving a M, she reads books on how to get a D and move on!

That's her choice. You can't tell her what's she's doing wrong in YOUR EYES. It's her decision - end of story.

I just want my C to listen to W and talk to her. He is an incredible C and I trust him.

Want in one hand, crap in the other and see which one fills up faster... It's doubtful your W would ever trust him since you don't listen or validate WHAT SHE FEELS!! That's obvious from what I quoted above. You can't tell her what or why she feels - you've completely missed this point apparently.

I have more work to do on myself, mostly getting the ability to not react to W when she tells me things that rip my heart out. My C said I have made good progress thus far and it is sad that my W can't see that.

Of course since you're obviously NOT getting some of what shes saying!

This conversation was a major backslide for you. You know she wants a D, but, you continue to to try to tell her the why's, where's etc... of how she feels.

[dorightman]

Thanks bblake1968, I hear you. She is saying that she FEELS the same as before. She FEELS like she wants a D and wants to move on.

So I guess I should just listen and not make any comments.
Added to my list of things to change.

[movingon-1968]

So I guess I should just listen and not make any comments. Added to my list of things to change.

Acknowledge & validate!
Acknowledge & validate!
Acknowledge & validate!
Acknowledge & validate!

It's frustrating, I know. But no matter how good your intentions, no matter how right you think you are, no matter how much evidence you may have to support your opinion - it's still wrong because it's her feelings, and if she FEELS like you are not empathetic to them, you will never be able to really discuss them with her.

Others may disagree, but, that's my point of view. She has to know that on some level you listen to her and at least try to understand what she feels. If not, you don't stand a chance...

[movingon-1968]

And she will NEVER want to be told why she feels the way she does. End of story...

[MrBond]

Geez dude, STOP letting your insecurities show. She's told you time and time and time and time again that it's what's killing your relationship, but you keep doing it.

"I asked W to answer three questions. 1. Do you respect me?"

Why would you even ask that? Of course she doesn't. She said and wrote down that she lost that respect for you after the way you've been acting (insecure, manic, depressed, etc.) You constantly asking her isn't going to change that.

"2. What is the goal of our separation?"

There is no goal. She is done. There is no separation. She told you she wanted a D over and over again. You just have it in your head that it's a temporary thing.

"3. How long will the separation last?"

Until you sign the papers. Or unless she changes heart, which she won't do UNTIL YOU CHANGE!

"She told me her feelings haven't changed, she still wants a D, and can't believe I'am still in denial."

She is right. You are in denial. So much so that you haven't done anything to try and save it by saving yourself.

"She has agreed to go to C with me this week, but I'am expecting more of the same."

STOP with the C.

"Friends and family tell me to just get it done. Get the D and move on asap."

Now you're letting them influence you? They don't even know the full story like we do here. Be your own man and start fixing yourself.

"W said the only way we will ever have a chance at R is after our D. I don't understand that statement."

She is very clear. She hopes that you will actually change after you D. Because it's obvious that you're not changing now.

"I'am beginning to feel like I want to get it done. I'am losing hope more and more as time goes on. W is not working on R, she is working on D."

Because you haven't changed. Don't you get it?

"I'am not in denial about W wanting a D."

Yes you are.

"I hear her and I acknowledge her feelings."

No you don't. If you did you'd back off.

"I told her the reason she still feels the same is because she has not done any work to try to change those feelings.

STOP telling her why she's doing what she's doing. Fix yourself because you don't even know why YOU are doing what you're doing. From the way you've been acting, do you think she actually believes you know more than her?

"While I study books on Saving a M, she reads books on how to get a D and move on!"

Stop being so obsessive about the M and start fixing you. I don't know how much clearer that can be.

I just want my C to listen to W and talk to her. He is an incredible C and I trust him.
W said she only wants to talk about R with a 3rd party, i.e.. C. After I told my C what she said, he told me he didn't want to play the role of school principle and listen to W criticize me for an hour, which is what happened the first 3 months of MC. He also said that W and I need to be able to have R talks without a third party.

I have more work to do on myself, mostly getting the ability to not react to W when she tells me things that rip my heart out. My C said I have made good progress thus far and it is sad that my W can't see that."

[dorightman]

Stop being so obsessive about the M and start fixing you. I don't know how much clearer that can be.

thanks Bond!

[dorightman]

Journaling: last mc went well in some ways. Not in terms of reconciliation, but in terms of communication. We both listened to each other well and we both felt heard.

W wants D. Said her heart was looking outward, not inward. She said she wants to feel free and she doesn't even though I'm out of house for a month now.
C encouraged w to not rush D, said it wouldn't make her feel free.

I have noticed she's texting a coworker a lot now, I guess she's beginning a R w him. I will not bring it up because I don't want her to feel like I'm snooping or controlling. But I feel conflicted paying for her phone for her to have an affair with...

I'm very busy with work atm, spending spare time with my kids. She only calls when she wants something from me, like to fix something in the house.

[MrBond]

Why are you even still going to MC? I can tell you that it will continue to give her validation to leave. Stick with IC.

Why are you paying for the phone? Can't she pay for it?

"She only calls when she wants something from me, like to fix something in the house."

Then don't do it.

[dorightman]

Journal: Yesterday spent the afternoon w kids. W came home from work and suggested we have dinner as a family together. Dinner was good and w asked if I'd put the kids to bed so she could go to the gym. I said sure, put the kids to bed and afterwards went to say by to w and she said I could spend the night in the kids bedroom because I had to work early in the morning.
I spent the night, we had breakfast together and I left.
No fights, easy going. I felt sad after I left because I was reminded of how much I love my w and family.
I can only hope that more of these good times together will change her mind, but as of now, she has told me she's done and wants out of marriage.
It's heartbreaking!

[MrBond]

"I felt sad after I left because I was reminded of how much I love my w and family."

What have you been doing to get yourself strong? You're setting yourself up again to have another emotional outbreak.