Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[Accuray]

Do you want to invest in the house renovation? I have the impression that you don't want to do that at all, but then convinced yourself that it might be okay so you can avoid conflict.

You do have a tendency to do that you know, rationalize that your W's requests are okay with you, then convince yourself that it is so.

Be honest with yourself -- is that what you want to spend your money on? If not, tell her you're not going to do it.

Your problem with compromise, Luke, is that compromise requires negotiation. With your W, your compromise tends to be her telling you how it's going to be, and you accepting that. That's why for a while, you may need to go with declarations until you get more comfortable standing up for yourself.

Naturally you can't make declarations about what SHE has to do, only what you are or are not going to do.

"I'm going to sleep upstairs"

"I'm not going to spend money on a house renovation at this point."

"I'm not going to agree to sell the house -- I'm going to keep living here"

"I'm going to buy tickets to see the parks with the kids"

If you told your W those 4 things and then ended the conversation that would be a 180 for you, right? If she starts to argue, tell her "I told you what I'm going to do, I've made up my mind. If you'd like to sleep upstairs with me, that's fine. If you'd like to join us on the trip to see the parks, that's fine. If you want to pay to renovate the house, that's fine, but I will not contribute at this point. Those decisions are up to you."

Accuray