So spoke with H today...he might not be coming to visit this weekend...work...of course...one of the reasons we are where we are...
H will know better tomorrow if he can take off MOnday, if he can not then he will not visit with S on Sun either...
I can not imagine going two weeks without seeing my S, no matter how far I had to drive and what I had to do...but I guess this is the process that makes it easier for H to detach from the family and marriage.
So the discussion might be on hold for another week...I refuse to talk about such important issues over the phone...they need to be face to face, especially if they concern S.
Val I do understand that it could go a long way in showing H trust in him...but I am not willing to put that before the needs of my S even if it might save my marriage.
I'm not saying that at all. You are only seeing a piece and not the puzzle. If you read my threads or advice to others - I do not advocate saving marriage at all costs.
I advocate loving decisions at all costs.... and encourage folks to dig really deep for them.. because in this situation - we can very easily talk ourselves into thinking we are doing loving things... when in actuality they are motivated by other things.
Originally Posted By: findingself
"And I must say trying to wean a child on your own with all the stress in my life along with S's right now with not having H around and with me trying to hold it together hour to hour is not good timing for weaning..
Sayings like ^^^ is about YOU. I know that H isn't around in the way you want - but at the same time you aren't budging either by saying S isn't ready to be away from you.
Do you recognize how you contribute to this dynamic?
Originally Posted By: findingself
There is no predetermined time to stop breastfeeding as there never was it was always what was best for S, typically in my family it is from 20-24 months.
Yah - but life happens and we need to adjust and we need to understand when it's time to adjust because of the situations you are put in. Sometimes the risk and the sacrifice made today will help solidify the end goal (and if you think I'm saying reconciling, you'd be wrong)
Originally Posted By: reb
The mom starts that commitment of feeding the baby and the dad doesn't have that same connection and of course it wouldn't matter to him if she continues.
He may not understand but to say it doesn't matter is mindreading and not helpful.
I'll wrap this up because I don't want to beat a dead horse. It doesn't matter to me what you decide or to say what is right...... I have my opinion and that's all fine and good.
... I'm just trying to help you see that even though you have a good intention... it is also surrounding by lots of selfish intentions....
... and that is something YOU wanted to work on and felt was a problem in your marriage.
Even if you're mind is set - how you approach it could be a 180 for you. Yet I don't see you working on it.
I don't see you asking us how you can lovingly communicate with your H about S. How you can shed your self intentions away from the good ones.
That's the 180's I'm talking about here... but maybe next time I can be a little bit more clear from the beginning.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I'll wrap this up because I don't want to beat a dead horse. It doesn't matter to me what you decide or to say what is right...... I have my opinion and that's all fine and good.
... I'm just trying to help you see that even though you have a good intention... it is also surrounding by lots of selfish intentions....
... and that is something YOU wanted to work on and felt was a problem in your marriage.
Even if you're mind is set - how you approach it could be a 180 for you. Yet I don't see you working on it.
I don't see you asking us how you can lovingly communicate with your H about S. How you can shed your self intentions away from the good ones.
That's the 180's I'm talking about here... but maybe next time I can be a little bit more clear from the beginning.
I’m not gonna comment on nursing and weaning part because I don’t have kids (yet) but I kinda see Val’s point. From the beginning it’s obvious you’ve held so much resentment for your H and I think you still highly do. I understand that you have to take care of your S all alone but I too also sense just by reading it’s all about you and your S. Everyone knows mothers and babies have special bonds and I hope you won’t think I don’t know that because I don’t have any.
My R with H went downhill last year because to his eyes it looked like baby was the only important thing in my life. I want to be a mother, I want to have kids but I’ve always wanted to have a family with him. When he first broke down last July, he did say he would not want to be a father. It broke my heart and I even told him I had to do some serious thinking if that was his truth. I said that because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married to him if he did not want to be a father. I thought about it and I always come back to the same thought. I want to have a family with him. I want to have a child with him (biological or not)
I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I understand the nursing issue is HUGE for you but like Val said, try to think really deep why you are in the situation you are in the first place. What really drove him away? What made him feel so sad and trapped that he wants a D? By all means tell him that you don’t think it’s the best interest for your S to be away from you for 2 weeks but if you take a moment, put yourself in your H’s shoes, the talk you are about to have with him might turn much better than you anticipate.
Thank you for listening.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Well at this time there is no discussion this weekend...maybe next weekend but that is still up in the air too.
H is not visiting S this weekend and will be here next Sat at 1pm for visit, so 13 days between seeing S.
H told me if I wanted to talk it was too late anyway and that if I did not want to talk F to F by next weekend I could send him something.
H was mad in the message he sent, not that I deserved it, I did nothing wrong in the last couple of days, think he is passing anger and blame to me to make him feel better to be out with someone else. Really think H is having EA or PA with someone now.
Very dark day for me...not a good one at all...need help, support and advice!!!! Please
Have a question...H wants to spend the night alone at the house with S, I would have to stay somewhere else...what should I do in this area,
H did it two weekends ago because I was away for the night for the first time, now seems to want to do this each weekend he visits, which right now seems like it might be every other weekend.
Also questioning if this is just a WAH or a MLC? Help?
About H staying there, how do you feel about it? Where would you stay? How did it go the first time?
I wouldn't spend too much energy trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. I know we think we need a reason but it really doesn't matter. A life crisis is a life crisis.
Your work is the same.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think it went fine with them here, he said it did, he was tired from work that week and admitted to falling asleep on the couch while S played in living room.
I feel that it is his house too...I have compassion that he has been bouncing from hotel to hotel...I trust him with S at night...I would stay at my mother's house, I do have things to get ready for a gathering on Sunday...but can do that at mother's, or at a point ahead of time.
I know he works a lot during the week away too...in other's states and can't be here (or is chosing it is too hard to be here?) and on the weekend is when he has time, so me being here at this point he feels like he can not relax and concentrate on S, and after the Sunday two weeks ago that I said to much and pressured him into talking I understand why he is avoiding it.
I am a controller and need to stop controlling him and allow him to do what he thinks is best for him right now...
So what do you think
I am thinking of contacting him and telling him I have changed my mind and he can be here with S that night...just need all the feedback I can get...
Still struggling with keeping on the track of dettaching it is a daily, hourly reminder.
I also told friend and SIL I will no longer be contacting them, though H said I could, I have a lot of supports, H does not and I am taking another away...I am looking at this as me trying to control the situation...I need to stop this behavior and it does not help me in the long run.
