My journey begins

[jp787]

All the great advice. All my momentum forward. All lost to my fear about OM. I can deal with about everything else, my guilt, W angry with me, all of the other stuff that is wrong that needs fixed, but OM stops me cold in my tracks.

What does this mean? You say you love your W, you said you want her to be happy, you say you want to work on yourself. Hell read your first post, nothing there says anything about your W or OM.

W even said she promises (like I trust that) there is no one else and she is not looking.

Script. And who cares what your W says or promises? I don't mean to be an ass today but I really don't care much about your W or what she's doing. There is nothing you can do about it or anything any of us can do to help with that. All we can do is help figure out who you are.

I know at this point OM has family and is committed to them,

OM isn't committed to his family if he's doing what you think he's doing. He's an asshat so stop thinking about him or trying to compare yourself to him. You are the one committed to your family.

As she said in text to my D, I too can give her those needs, but if feels annoying coming from me. How do I try to give W her needs when she feels that? She wants her needs met from someone else.

I hate that you snooped for this info but as far as I know my W hasn't said anything nice about me since BD. Truth be told I'd love to hear my W say that I could give her those feelings, even if in an annoying way.

Sounds to me like you need to give her space (not sure if we've said that before ). What you've been doing is obviously cramping her and she feels annoyed.

It is like I am at a beach that has white sand everywhere and there is one tiny black grain of sand and that pulls all of my attention.

Really??? For #@$% sake!!!

Last night I felt rage, something I have not in a long time and it scared me. I guess it is from everything, but what surfaced was what W told D in a text that I am not supposed to know. The one where W says OM makes her feel so good, irresistible and all that stuff, that dad can do that too, but it just feels annoying coming from him. She says this to my D and I cant say anything about it because I will loose too much if I admit to looking at D phone. That is burned into my head and idk if I can ever forgive that. God knows what else she has said to D that I dont know about.

Don't take this the wrong way but you better figure this out. I still think you need to concentrate on you but if you think there's ever a chance at R without forgiveness you are out of your mind.

Also anger used as a shield is a fine thing in my opinion. Use it to protect yourself. Rage on the other hand, not much good comes from that emotion so make sure to keep that one in check. What did you do when you felt that? Hopefully not just sit there. Worst case drop to the floor and do pushups and situps until you throw up.


Stop saying you're failing. You haven't failed because quite honestly you haven't started yet. The only thing you've failed at is you haven't taken the first step.

Thank you for your comments. I need to find my inner strength. I need to start relying on myself and not looking to others for acceptance and reassurance. I have some very deep negative and bad habits to fix.
I have to start to make changes in me, I read and reply and read and reply, but don't put it into action. That is something I need to force myself to do, do the action. Take the advice and follow through with an action.