My journey begins

[jp787]

Too deep for now....

You aren't gonna jump right into the fire, until you feel everything that is happening around you.

You need to start with some DB basics right now...

DB101


Thought stopping

You really don't know what all of that looks like, and you are letting some pretty scary monsters play around upstairs in your head.

And the truth is...you have no idea what is really happening...

I can tell you, that whatever is going on, it isn't what you think it is.

So thinking about what YOU think it is....is pretty useless...

And I am STILL waiting on some stuff from you...


Goals

So go ahead and add, some small obtainable goals, that are just for you...

So what would you say, that your biggest obstacle is, keeping you from fully DBing ???

I know what I see, I just want to hear it from you....

So my thoughts are what are stopping me?

[Mach1]

Mach1, I am sorry, but I'm not sure what I haven't addressed. I will look.

Dude, seriously....

Stop apologizing...


Look, I understand how a person can come to a Divorce Busting website, and do some things that they suggest, and to think that somehow, someway, there is this little Magic pill that one can take to end all of this pain.

I get it...

Reality is, that there is no Magic pill that will take any of this away.

So we think that we get mis-lead, when people here start talking about self work, and self growth, and blah, blah blah...How the hell is this fixing my marriage ???

What I can tell you, is that the marriage that you hanging onto, is gone....to be no more.

It HAS been gone for quite a while, and there is NOTHING that you can do, to bring it back.

What you should be looking at, is taking those long looks at yourself, so that if things were to turn around, and your wife were to look in your direction once again, that YOU are ready for that, and that you are the kind of guy that is not only capable, but excels in those areas that you once were lacking in.

I can also tell by your posts, that you have only about half way, embraced what DBing means. And you are probably still screaming about how unfair it is, that you have to do all of the work, and how the title of the "DB" website is misleading to you.

What would it mean to fully embrace what DBing entails ???

What is the only thing, stopping you from embracing that ??

And although it would seem as though I am angry with you, I'm really not. It would serve me no purpose to get angry with you.

I'm more angry FOR you...

You will never fail me, only yourself, and I actually have more of a problem with that, than if somehow you would fail me...

You are worth more that you are allowing yourself to have, or be.....


You just need to start seeing that....






Oh, and BTW....


Your mission statement....

That's what...

[sayitaintso]

JP- As I told you before, I've been where you are at, many people on here have been.

At the beginning I could not DB for myself and used my kids as motivation. I wanted them to see me walk, and sometimes crawl, through this challenge with dignity, honor, and grace. I wanted them to be able to look back on this time and be proud of their father.

They are looking to you to lead your family through this whether they say so or not. They will feed off your energy.

One step at a time, break it down. Plan some GAL activities even if you don't want to and do them.

[jp787]

What would it mean to fully embrace what DBing entails ???

To let go of my marriage, to accept that it is over. To stop trying to fix or save it. To focus on me.

What is the only thing, stopping you from embracing that ??

Fear. Fear of change and the unknown.

Your mission statement....

That's what...

[jp787]

JP- As I told you before, I've been where you are at, many people on here have been.

At the beginning I could not DB for myself and used my kids as motivation. I wanted them to see me walk, and sometimes crawl, through this challenge with dignity, honor, and grace. I wanted them to be able to look back on this time and be proud of their father.

They are looking to you to lead your family through this whether they say so or not. They will feed off your energy.

One step at a time, break it down. Plan some GAL activities even if you don't want to and do them.

I am doing it for my kids right now and although that is beneficial, I think I have to get to where I am doing it for me.
Thank you.

[jp787]

Your mission statement....

That's what...

Noted. I will work on that this week.

[jp787]

JP I suggest you start listening to people like M1 and 25 asap before THEY DETACH from your thread and it will happen. Trust me I lost great support because of my anxiety.

YOU NEED TO GET YOUR ANXIETY IN CHECK NOW..Do not wait to take this advice. You are not listening to people on here. You are reading and not listening. I know because I did it.

1. you need to meditate, yoga, reiki. Something. I suggest Chi Gong breathing because it is something you can do 15 minutes a day and can be done at a conference room at work if needed in a pinch.

2. You do realize if your W decides to goto a swingers party tonight, buy an 8 ball, and have an orgy there is NOTHING you can do about it. Hell my W could do this too. So stop trying to CONTROL the things you can't control. LISTEN TO THIS PART or you will fail. you can only control you.

3. Give your W the password stuff. Let her change it. Do you know how UNHEALTHY it is to monitor your W's stuff. OMG I use to do it and I would drive myself insane. You realize this is ANXIETY. All anxiety is FEAR. When you snoop you trying to get answers. What is the answer you are seeking you ask. Is she cheating. Yes or no. That is what you're seeking. Snooping is a SHORT term fix for your anxiety. TRUST ME ON THIS. You want to send your W further off the cliff that you already pushed her off. Continue to snoop.

JP I suggest you get a grip and start working on yourself asap.

Start with step 1 immediately.

Do you think your W is going to want to stay with some control freak who monitors her 24 x 7? What next an electric dog leash. Seriously man pull it together.

Start to GAL asap. You need to take all focus off your W man.
I am seeing all this advice giving to you and a few days later you are spun out. My nickname use to be Nethamster. I know.

Do not make the mistakes I made. LISTEN and act. Google Imago and visit EE.org

I am trying to figure out how to get to EE. I dont have a cc right now and dont know if I can get one, but am trying. Sounds worth the debit.
Thank you for your honesty and comments. You are correct, I am reading, but not taking in what is said.
Time to force some action.

[jp787]

All the great advice. All my momentum forward. All lost to my fear about OM. I can deal with about everything else, my guilt, W angry with me, all of the other stuff that is wrong that needs fixed, but OM stops me cold in my tracks.

What does this mean? You say you love your W, you said you want her to be happy, you say you want to work on yourself. Hell read your first post, nothing there says anything about your W or OM.

W even said she promises (like I trust that) there is no one else and she is not looking.

Script. And who cares what your W says or promises? I don't mean to be an ass today but I really don't care much about your W or what she's doing. There is nothing you can do about it or anything any of us can do to help with that. All we can do is help figure out who you are.

I know at this point OM has family and is committed to them,

OM isn't committed to his family if he's doing what you think he's doing. He's an asshat so stop thinking about him or trying to compare yourself to him. You are the one committed to your family.

As she said in text to my D, I too can give her those needs, but if feels annoying coming from me. How do I try to give W her needs when she feels that? She wants her needs met from someone else.

I hate that you snooped for this info but as far as I know my W hasn't said anything nice about me since BD. Truth be told I'd love to hear my W say that I could give her those feelings, even if in an annoying way.

Sounds to me like you need to give her space (not sure if we've said that before ). What you've been doing is obviously cramping her and she feels annoyed.

It is like I am at a beach that has white sand everywhere and there is one tiny black grain of sand and that pulls all of my attention.

Really??? For #@$% sake!!!

Last night I felt rage, something I have not in a long time and it scared me. I guess it is from everything, but what surfaced was what W told D in a text that I am not supposed to know. The one where W says OM makes her feel so good, irresistible and all that stuff, that dad can do that too, but it just feels annoying coming from him. She says this to my D and I cant say anything about it because I will loose too much if I admit to looking at D phone. That is burned into my head and idk if I can ever forgive that. God knows what else she has said to D that I dont know about.

Don't take this the wrong way but you better figure this out. I still think you need to concentrate on you but if you think there's ever a chance at R without forgiveness you are out of your mind.

Also anger used as a shield is a fine thing in my opinion. Use it to protect yourself. Rage on the other hand, not much good comes from that emotion so make sure to keep that one in check. What did you do when you felt that? Hopefully not just sit there. Worst case drop to the floor and do pushups and situps until you throw up.


Stop saying you're failing. You haven't failed because quite honestly you haven't started yet. The only thing you've failed at is you haven't taken the first step.

Thank you for your comments. I need to find my inner strength. I need to start relying on myself and not looking to others for acceptance and reassurance. I have some very deep negative and bad habits to fix.
I have to start to make changes in me, I read and reply and read and reply, but don't put it into action. That is something I need to force myself to do, do the action. Take the advice and follow through with an action.

[Mach1]

What would it mean to fully embrace what DBing entails ???

To let go of my marriage, to accept that it is over. To stop trying to fix or save it. To focus on me.

What is the only thing, stopping you from embracing that ??

Fear. Fear of change and the unknown.

Okay, so you have this fear of change, and the unknown...

Humans ARE reluctant to change, yet they are open to change, and they embrace change....

Why are you so different with the change in your life right now ???

Because humans are reluctant to change, and fear change that they do not initiate.

Example----If your boss walked up to you, right now, and TOLD you that you were going to change from working days, to working nights, you would probably bitch and moan about it, and say some pretty nasty things behind his back about him. This would go on for a while, and one day, a few months from now, you started to realize that you actually ENJOYED working nights, and that it fit your schedule better anyway.

Then, a year from now, the same boss came back to you, and asked you to start working days again, chances are, that you would have the same affect on you. Bitching and moaning because you had to start working days again, the same day shift that you fought so hard for a year ago....

Yet...

If you went to your boss, and ASKED for the night shift to begin with....THAT change is embraced...and NOT feared at all...

Look JP, you did not ask for this change, although it is what it is for now...

And you can fear it all that you want to. Truth is...

The worst has already happened, so fearing it serve no purpose what so ever....

I am trying to figure out how to get to EE. I dont have a cc right now and dont know if I can get one, but am trying. Sounds worth the debit.
Thank you for your honesty and comments. You are correct, I am reading, but not taking in what is said.
Time to force some action.

I'm sure EE would be great for you...

Just make sure that you don't hinge whether or not you can do this, on going to EE.

Becoming the new and improved JP happens when JP decides to start....


Got it ???

[ThisDayForward]

Right EE is just a suggestion. there are plenty of self growth things you can start with. Local church. Imago (google it). Hell download Tony Robbins Youtube videos. Just start looking at you and don't mention your W again on here. Or at least what she is doing. Last time I checked you can't control that anyways