post-D with WAW

[azguy]

Good point, labug. It is really an efficient mixture of bas ideas.

Well, it is an interesting book, and helps me see some of what she must be wrestling with, anyway.

I have read through the last one or two of Crimson's threads. In fact, I've been waiting for him to update us on his progress (if you're out there, Crimson). Hopefully no news is good news.

[labug]

I'm curious why you think she's codependent?

[azguy]

Good question. Two things first:
1) Codependent is probably too strong a word but I think she does have those tendencies.
2) This is going to sound like me blaming her for the D. I do feel she played a part in our inability to make it work, but the main failure was mine in not being able to maintain a connection with her, and not making that a priority in my life.

She always struggled in our M with asserting herself. I made my career the priority in the R and she encouraged me to do so, despite having a career herself. Looking back on this, it was really unhealthy for us. Over time she took over almost all of the housework and childcare duty, despite both of us working. She came to be overwhelmed by this, and resented me for it.

She often didn't seem to have her own emotions. If I was stressed, she would become unhappy. She struggled with low self esteem throughout our R. She felt easily pressured to do something, and often came off negative because of this. She didn't want to do something, but wouldn't just come out and say it.

As our R worsened I became an angry and moody person. She had to live with that for too long (3-4 years probably) , and this setup is what often creates the codependent patterns of behavior.

She came from a divorced family herself, with a narcissistic father. She was still sorting through the damage that (her father's disorder) has done to her while we were in our R. It instilled in her a hypersensitivity to not upset other people, and make sure their needs are met.

In our R, I was aware of these problems, but viewed them as hers to deal with, and would often get impatient if she were needy or if it lead to a disagreement. Looking on it now, I regret that I did not have more compassion for her as she sorted through these issues. The person underneath the issues was someone whose friendship I cherished, and whose companionship I now miss quite often.

Whew! Sorry, labug, probably more than you were looking for but it was cathartic to write that out.

[reb9597]

Hi azguy, thank you for your support on my thread. I agree with labug, no offering books. I did that and it hasn't worked out. I was in a cacoon of codependency for so many years, once I finally learned there was another way of living and it could be better I wanted and tried to share with WAH. I didn't realize that I was supposed to just model these changes for myself and maybe he would notice. I shared out of love, but it wasn't effective and it feels like I gave a little power away by using words and not actions. Lesson learned. Keep up the consistent good work.

[labug]

No not more than I was looking for. I asked because it's unusual for a Co-de person to leave a R without a lot of self-work. What you describe in her life is the perfect set-up for that but then we all have some of those traits.

How would you describe yourself?

It is helpful to gain perspective by writing these things out.

[azguy]

Hmm, another good one. It's something I've been trying to get my head around since starting IC last spring, after BD.

I'm someone who is into my work, to a fault. It's an academic position, so in addition to being demanding, it's work I would do even if no one were paying me, essentially. This is something I went through with my counselor. My father was a pastor. Growing up, I learned, early on, that his work was sacred, (literally). I modeled that in my adult life, without even really thinking it through. If I had a work obligation, all personal stuff was secondary. It's taken me some time to realize this imbalance has made me miserable, and by extension my W.

I was insecure in our relationship. You might say I had some of the codependent tendencies. If I thought I saw my W pulling away, we'd have an argument over it. This came across as controlling (similar traits to what reb9597 describes in her thread). I never really learned about boundaries in a R. If she were doing something "wrong" not only would I want to tell her, I'd get upset if she didn't listen to my advice. After all, I was her H, didn't she trust me? This is behavior I learned from my family, and it's taken me years to realize is a poor way to interact with others.

Of course, this is not what my personal ad would say There, I'd say I'm an active, curious person who enjoys trying new experiences, and loves the southwest. I am getting the hang of the GAL approach, and building the best life I can. This whole train wreck has shown me what I consider to be important, and what can be given less emphasis. It's given me strength to reorganize my life so that I am enjoying it, not dreading the grind. Still miss her, though.

[azguy]

Journal:
Another weekly handoff of S, and another good interaction. We arranged S's spring break plans. Talked about work. She vented a bit about her work not allowing her to make vacation plans, and difficulty in arranging for times when she is gone for work. I empathized with her. We talked about doing taxes, and other details. She said a friendly goodbye this week on the way out of the house. Sounds small, but it is a new development. Previously, she has been distant and cold towards me , and it has been very difficult for me to not take it personally (that she doesn't even respect me enough to be polite, etc. type of thoughts). So, good small progression.

My fear, of course, is that she is friendlier now, but that it will always be stuck there. If she has had any second thoughts at any point through this process, she has kept them well hidden from me. I am starting to feel that I am delusional to think she would ever want to come back to a R with me.

[azguy]

Hi Pmac, didn't notice your message until today. I think moderation caused me to miss it.

Sounds like you're really going through a rough patch at the moment. I don't know your XW, and having a job that gives you the confidence that you can live the life you want is important, but I worry you say you are doing it to get her back. It can lead to a lot of resentment if it doesn't work. And I suspect there was more to your R than her sticking around because of your job position.

But getting yourself on your feet and going after the career you want is GAL. Just do it with an eye toward what will make you happy no matter what happens with the XW.

You might want to start a thread on your topic, if you want some feedback. Small regular updates have worked for me in getting good and useful suggestions.

[azguy]

Feeling down tonight. One of the thoughts I had when interacting with XW today, was that she is showing signs of questioning what she is doing regarding her career. Ever since I've known her, she's shown qualms about whether she has the skills to work in the field she's in, and whether she really wants to continue. On the one hand, I felt some relief that there was no expectation on my part to comfort her or reassure her. I simply listened to her concerns about her job's difficulty, and talked to her like any other friend.

This is mind reading, but she seems to be unhappy and looking for something in her life that she couldn't get in our M. I get the feeling the discontent and restlessness has not disappeared. But when I think about this, I feel more anger than empathy for her. I don't really understand how our M became this cage for her, as it apparently did. I'm not trying to evade blame, but the whole way it fell apart just confuses me. Some part of me wishes she were looking happier, so at least I could think the D helped her. It sure didn't improve things for me.

Watching our S go back and forth between house and apartment each week is painful. He's had trouble getting to sleep the past week or two. He tries so hard to be organized so that he can live in two places each week. I worry what this will do to him as he grows up.

Just moping tonight.

[labug]

I think weekends are tough for most people here. Have you noticed that to be the case with you? I had to make sure on the weekends I wasn't working that I had other things planned.

Maybe if she figures out that the D wasn't the panacea she had hoped it would be, she'll reevaluate.