Okay...I hear you! Now, get a grip and breathe! You are a wonderful person and let me tell you, you are stonger than you think. You have to detach and you have to learn to keep your expectations at zero at all times. You can have hope, but you need to let him go, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Yes, he is one selfish, self-absorbed sob right now and that's exactly what the crisis is about...HIM! Right now, he is in another world and you have to be the strong one for you and your family. You were an individual long before you married him and you should want him, not need him in your life. He is only a small portion of what makes you happy and whole. Your world is wide open to you and it's waiting for you to embrace it in many ways. Trust me, running away will not solve your problems. Just take a look at your h...he's running away as fast and hard as he can and you know what? He's running in circles like a hamster on a wheel. Self-medicating w/whatever he finds makes things better for a very short period of time and then the emotional pain returns. BRNR, you on the other hand, are facing the problems in your life head on and taking the pain and wearing it as a coat. In other words, you are working through the pain each and every day, every minute, every hour. Feel the pain and then let it go. You will get through this, but you've got to let him go.
Write the letter and then bury it. Letters, especially lengthy ones, will not reach him right now. Actions speak louder than words. Pouring your heart and soul out in a letter will not bring him back to reality. He's in replay and while in replay, it's all about him and only him. Yes, he does pop out every once in a while, but it's not enough to wake him up.
Yes, he's angry because you are not allowing him to have what he wants. Many of the mlcers play nice until "mommy or daddy" set boundaries or tell them that they aren't going to play their game of giving them everything that they want or demand. When mlcers hit that boundary, they are like 2 yr olds and get angry, stomp, spew, ignore, etc. What do you do? Ignore their behavior and go on w/your life. Do not engage in their little games. If you don't engage, their little temper tantrums will burn out, but it takes time.
I know you and your children are hurt, but there's nothing that will bring him back home right now and trust me, you don't want him home while he's in the shape he's in. All you can do is protect your children, be there to listen and offer a safe place for them to land and talk.
Do not react in a knee jerk fashion when you are hurt or angry. Decisions made while hurt or angry do not bode well. I have noticed that when things are going smoothly, you are okay, and then when you hit that mlc wall, you are ready to give up....this is the coaster and that's why it's important that you detach from his drama. You are on a rollercoaster of emotions and you need to get off that coaster. We all have gone through it and know exactly what is happening to you. Think about setting additional boundaries and stick to them. Go dim w/him for a while and see if that helps you stabilize.
You are the only one who can make the decision as to whether you want to stand for your marriage. Mlc is not for the faint of heart and it's one heck of a destructive horror show.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
