Suckerpunch stage 3

[swoop]

I had lunch this afternoon to discuss W's living situation and hopefully put her at ease. I assured her that I was not going to chase her off with a torch and an angry mobb in the middle of the night. We had nice conversation, very friendly like.

During our conversation the topic of "dating" came up.

THAT^^ should not have come up. Period. & You know this!...

and you ignored what I said about backing off and helping her feel relaxed around you.

No. I didn't know this. I had no idea that I wasn't supposed to talk about it with her. I don't feel comfortable talking about it, but I thought I was supposed to "act as if"

We started off light hearted and jokingly, but then I asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said NO. Then I asked her if she has been talking to anyone.

None of this^^ should have happened. It's all self inflicted pain. THen you spread it to her...and truly, what was the point of all this?

I don't know what you are asking here...anything?

Sometimes SP, I think you're Just saying "hey guys, I poked myself in the eye AGAIN, and it hurts!!" Yes it does...so stop poking around.

I wasn't trying to inflict self pain. I honestly thought that I was supposed to act as though I was fine with whatever she chose to do with her life, because I am "moving on with my own life, with her or without". I clearly misinterpreted this portion of DB.

She turned BEET RED and a vein stuck out in the middle of her forehead. She replied that she has been talking with someone, but only just rececently. I played it off by saying, "no big deal. If we are going to continue as friends we should be sharing". [/b]


That's about the worst idea you've had in awhile. NO, you do NOT share with her any of that. It's not smart, it's not healthy and it's harmful to all....you're nowhere NEAR ready to detach. PLUS, imo

This is about control or snooping or something OTHER than friendship and you know it. You are playing a silly but dangerous game my friend.

Again, I thought that was how I was SUPPOPSED to play this. I am not intentionally trying to play any games. I am not trying to snoop and I am not trying to control. I didn't even realize i was doing damage.

She did not wish to hear if I had been talking or dating,

How healthy of HER^^^....so then I guess she does NOT want to know...any insight here SP? THink you should "keep sharing"? Ya know, since you guys are such good "friends"...

No, clearly I handled this wrong.I just didn't realize what I was doing

but did ask about a girl she say posting on my FB. She stalked her page, so I know she was searching for information about a possible OW. There isn't one. Anyway, we ended lunch on a good note and went about our business.



yeah...sure. I bet SHE felt GREAT afterwards...like how you feel now??

In retrospect, I am sure you are right. I didn't feel great, but I was not crushed by this conversation.obviously it made my W very uncomfortable.

Later in the afternoon She started "the texts". Her first one went like this:

So I am curious. At this point of where we are at, are you ok with me dating?

My reply:

Sure...I mean if you think that is what you want to do. I mean, you know how I feel in regards to giving us time to heal and build a new relationship....but I'm supportive of whatever you think is best for you and (Daughter.


what an odd, insincere reply...why on earth would you tell her this?^^^ You had the perfect chance to make your case FOR THE MARRIAGE, WITHOUT BEING CONTROLLING

and maybe take a SMALL RISK by showing your feelings a bit, but nope man, I gotta say I don't get the game you're playing.. was it to pretend you don't care about her? B/C that's what I would have picked on FIRST no matter what else you also said, all i would hear is that you don't care if I'm with another man...and those are not words I'd expect from someone I thought wanted a reconciliation.

I see what you are saying. however, I have been extremely clear with her that I want to reconcile, that I love her and I wish to keep our family intact. She KNOWS this. I felt that by acting nonchalant, that perhaps that would come off as mysterious and that she stood the chance of losing me all together. I did not realize this was a time for me to take a risk and share my true feelings, because I thought that would come off as pressure, which I am not supposed to do. I feel I was just putting it back in her court.

I would like us to be open about it. I would prefer it not to be a secret that I find out about by word of mouth. I would like to hear it from you. I will show you the same respect.


No I would NOT be interested in details of your love life w/OMs b/c I still see you in a certain way and I still want our marriage to be restored...but if you do choose to date and IF it becomes serious enough to involve our d, OR if you know I'll find out about it from others, I'd prefer it come from you first."

basically what I was saying, just worded slightly different. I was not asking for specific details, just if she was dating anyone. I also made it clear in the rest of the text that I wanted to rebuild our marriage. I think I hit on the same keys points as you mentioned.

[b]
and I want to be clear that there would be no other opertunitues for our marriage and our realtionship would have to change.

what does that ^^^mean? You want to be friends and "share" details of your love life with each other for some insanely masochistic reason

BUT if that happens, then the r will change..?? Well, yeah AND it already will have changed, since you just told her to go ahead and date...

I interpret this completely different. I didn't tell her to date. I told her that was a choice for her, and that I would support whatever choice she makes. I made it clear that I wished to rebuild our marriage. I did not ask for details of her love life, simply to be informed that she was dating and moving forward with her life. I don't feel that was masochistic. I simply did not want to be blindsided by it, or to find out by hearing the "rumor".

As soon as i sent this reply, I realized I gave her an ultimatum. Probably not the way I should have worded it, but it is the way I feel. We went back and forth reitterating pretty much the same messages. I told her over and over again that I supported whatever she thought was the best for her and D.

I thought you believed an intact family was best for your d? What happened to the that? What about being the best man you can be, as a father and husband first? Do you want to be her pal, or her mate?

I wish to be both.

We jokes a few times about giving each other dating advice. At one point she said, "It is really weird to have you affirm my feelings. I am not used to it. It seems scripted
I joking said, thats because I am reading it from a self help book, silly! She laughed and said she was sorry. it just isn't something she is used to. the conversation closed about some D stuff. She is doing terrible in school and really struggling. We are talking about putting her into counseling. Wife now sees that this separation is affecting her, but still will not acknowledge to what degree.

but you just told your w that her dating is fine...so you didn't put your d first either. If she dates OMs and that means it's over for the m, then what's the difference between you and she in terms of priorities for your d?

[color:#990000]the difference is, she is going to date with or without my blessing. I only have control over my own actions. My D is my first priority, but I cannot control my wifes actions.

I think you put your pride first to pretend nothing bothered you. But I can't tell for sure, honestly...you sound very confused and you must be sending out very confusing messages to your w.

my intention was not to come off as confusing. I can see from your reply to me that I played this VERY VERY wrong. I just didn't know the proper way to handle it. So much of DBing is completely counter intuitive, but it appears in this situation I should have handled it just how my head would have told me to. I just hit a foul ball on this one. no other way to explain myself.