Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[LuckyLuke]

That should be Occy01 - pardon the typo -

Sounds like you are up north or on the west coast, Occy01?

We used to live in Dalarna, but are now within commuting distance of Stockholm.

Dreading the who sleeps where talk this wednesday, but it needs to happen.

How and where to find a new, more exciting, more positive, me?

Luke

[MrBond]

"How and where to find a new, more exciting, more positive, me?"

Look in the mirror. The answer is staring back at you. It's just something you DO. You are analyzing things too much. Sometimes you just have to go off on impulse and out of the ordinary.

Have you ever heard the example of wearing two different socks? Do that intentionally, just something off the cuff and not structured. Then do something else spontaneous. It's what will make you interesting again and not so predictable.

That's what you are right now. Very predictable.

[Accuray]

Luke if you view the who sleeps where as a declaration you're sharing versus a conversation you're having it may make it easier to prepare, and no sense waiting until Wednesday. You don't have to think through all her possible responses because your reaction is always the same -- "that's what I'm doing, you can do whatever you want"

[LuckyLuke]

Afternoon all,

wow, I never made a blatant declaration like that before. I was always willing to listen to the other person and seek a compromise.

Okay, not predictable in a small way: will not repeat any recipes. Will try to be away from my computer when she comes home (away from the usual place she finds me). Will think more on this - perhaps a coin toss to decide things sometimes?

How does it work it she wants to sell her half of the house? Don't I have to buy her out? It sounds like she is still on the finish renovations, sell, and move out path.

The house is historical, old, energy inefficient, and she thinks it will lose value in the coming years due to rising energy prices. On the other hand the location is excellent (on the lake shore, but in town; it is difficult to get building permission for houses on the water, so this makes it special). Maybe I could offer to compensate any loss she might take if I stay, and so her money can stay in the house?

Can't she basically force me to move by her moving out? I can't afford to pay her half the house value.

I suppose I declare that I am not moving out, just like the bed thing? do I need to declare this soon, so my plan is clear?

My plan: do not move, figure out a way she can move (if needed), work on me.

By the way, she moved out for maybe 8 months a long time ago, in ~1993, to a small room of her own, but I was invited over a lot. The woman likes her space and freedom.

Thanks -

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hi gabbysmom23 - the different recipes thing was only a small thing (it said so).

Good point with the no shirt on thing - not sure I'd look that attractive though - but different clothes is a good idea. Perhaps not shaving every day also (just now I shave every day, trying to look my best). Always had a dream to have the barber cut the hair really short, even bald, but maybe that is not attractive either.

Can't sleep again - feeling pressured and uneasy. W still wants to do facade on house, and now the price has gone up. I want to stay in the house even if she leaves, though am not sure what this entails financially vis a vis her.

It would probably make sense to get a second offer, if we are going to do this; some neighbors down the street had an Estonian company do their facade, for a significantly lower price I believe.

Does it make sense to say "okay we can do facade, but then I stay in the house"? Sort of meeting in the middle?

I should also find out if the house is hurt by not having the facade redone. The stucco is pretty beat up, and maybe the underlying timbers should be protected from the elements?

Dance instead of walk,
Sing instead of talk,
Hot instead of cold,
and always, always, bold.


Gonna prune some more apple tree today to try to calm down.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Journaling -

A side question: what is the deal with suspicion on my W's part? For example, if I don't answer the phone, for some reason, she has to later ask where I was so that I could not answer. If I go somewhere, she typically wants to know where it is, or who was on the phone, or whatever.

Another small outburst last night - we will be getting a car - which she says she will not be using. I don't get it - she was interested in having one a while ago.

Friends visited yesterday - I took part in the conversation, to her occasional annoyance and then seemingly needing to contradict me.

Writing this between 3.30 and 4.15 am - Luke

[MrBond]

That's not suspicion. She's just being an irritant and questioning everything move you make.

You have to be the stronger one. Didn't I mention before that you have to start standing up to her? Keeping it in isn't doing you any good. Tell her you will not be spoken to like that and REALLY mean it.

[LuckyLuke]

So this Wednesday sees three things to discuss:

o who sleeps where
o US vacation
o house plans

I understand that I am informing her that I am sleeping upstairs, but would be willing to compromise on 50/50 her/me up/down.

For the US vacation I think we should just buy the tickets and see how it works out there; we all want to see the parks, so it would be foolish not to.

For the house, I'd be willing to go in on renovation as long as she understands that I am staying in the house. As it happens, interest rates are low just now and expected to rise, to it would make sense to renovate, plus the government, in its support of the building industry, will effectively pay you up to 8k$ each for the labor.

Does that sound like a plan?

Luke

[MrBond]

For one thing, don't DISCUSS sleeping upstairs. Just do it. If she asks why, tell her that you're tired of sleeping downstairs and are moving back upstairs. Period.

[Accuray]

Do you want to invest in the house renovation? I have the impression that you don't want to do that at all, but then convinced yourself that it might be okay so you can avoid conflict.

You do have a tendency to do that you know, rationalize that your W's requests are okay with you, then convince yourself that it is so.

Be honest with yourself -- is that what you want to spend your money on? If not, tell her you're not going to do it.

Your problem with compromise, Luke, is that compromise requires negotiation. With your W, your compromise tends to be her telling you how it's going to be, and you accepting that. That's why for a while, you may need to go with declarations until you get more comfortable standing up for yourself.

Naturally you can't make declarations about what SHE has to do, only what you are or are not going to do.

"I'm going to sleep upstairs"

"I'm not going to spend money on a house renovation at this point."

"I'm not going to agree to sell the house -- I'm going to keep living here"

"I'm going to buy tickets to see the parks with the kids"

If you told your W those 4 things and then ended the conversation that would be a 180 for you, right? If she starts to argue, tell her "I told you what I'm going to do, I've made up my mind. If you'd like to sleep upstairs with me, that's fine. If you'd like to join us on the trip to see the parks, that's fine. If you want to pay to renovate the house, that's fine, but I will not contribute at this point. Those decisions are up to you."

Accuray