Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

[BRNR]

Having a good/bad day today. Needing a little release.

The bad- of course H must be very pissed about the Tuesday thing, as I haven't heard from him since and barely have the kids either. This weekend felt like the time when he was involved with OW, so my mind has been on a course today to think about what he has been up to...maybe Snodderly is right... in replay. He has seemed like old H for a while now, maybe a month or so, so I had my hopes that he was working through the next stages of his crisis...

It is killing me inside again...I feel so low, hurt, desperate for a text or call from him, anything. I also have been remembering all our good times that we have had in fifteen years...it has been making me cry, knowing we will never have good times again. He has become such a stranger that I don't know who he is. I want my old H. And honestly i have come to realize that the majority of us on here, never see our spouses return and get divorced. I can'tbear the thought...I am choking up as I write this it hurts. Of course I can't live like this either (limbo).

Is it sad that what makes me happy is having a husband? Someone I can share every moment with...make dinner for, laugh, talk, and watch movies together. Urghhh!

So here I am feeling just as low as I did in the beginning...hopefully I get over feeling this way soon.


The good - my boys and I had a decent day. Just hung around the house and didn't do much. We all like not being so active and just being able to sit still...I guess we are homebodies that way. I found a new way to style my hair, that my son commented made me look younger...which is so funny, because I am 33 and look like I am 20 (well as I am told by everyone who knows me and who doesn't- I still get carded when ordering drinks). So the last thing I needed was to look younger, but I like the style, so I am going with it.

I am having a really difficult time not wanting to "check in" with H and see how he is doing. My heart wants him back so badly, but my mind knows this is not going to happen. I have lost all hope I guess. He is too stubborn to see things irregardless of the fog. I am tired of being lonely, tired of missing H, tired of going on in this life by myself. I want so much for companionship right now...to be hugged and loved by someone. My heart can't take much more of this I fear. I have had several guys show interest in me, all know the sitch about the separation, but I can't help but to compare anyone to my old H. So no interest in any of the guys, not that I am ready to go down that road anyway... Why is it that someone who has hurt me so badly is someone I am still attracted to and see myself being with? So frustrating. I think I will be alone forever.


AJ / Snodderly - I have thought about the counseling for the kids and have asked several people for recommendations. The things that are holding me back are money & time. I barely have time with my kids because of H, and all the family therapist are over 45 minutes away.

So, can't wait to go to sleep tonight and put myself out of this misery and pain. Hopefully this week will be better. I will see H tomorrow when he picks up the children. I pray it is a positive experience and he has gotten over the whole "Tuesday" thing by then.