It's good to be here

[Mileus]

Well, the cruise was awesome. I felt so strong after not talking to her for a week. Then, she came to see the kids today. Things were going well, I was being pleasant. We laughed a bit. We finally went over my son's paperwork and I can send it to the lawyer for revision now.

Then, she wanted to talk about marrying him. She says he wants to do it soon, like in a month or two. She wants to also. She feels bad because we were together 14 years and never married, but she wants to get insurance for her and the kids. I think that is just a way to justify so quick a marriage. I told her to think about it because the kids haven't even met him yet, but we'll see.

After talking with her, I was drained. It was all I could do not to break down and cry in front of her. I told her that this was the last time we could talk like this. If she wanted to get married, I wanted her to be happy and she should do what she thought would make her happy. I told her to be careful and take time to really think about it, but she seemed like her mind was made up.

I then told her that from now on, when she came to visit, I would be gone. I couldn't keep seeing her if I was going to move on. It feels like all the progress I've made was wiped away. I feel better now that it's been a couple hours, but any hope I had was ripped away. And, it's too hard to detach if I keep seeing her.

I certainly don't feel ready to drop the rope, but I'm afraid if I don't, I'll just keep get dragged around. I know in my head that I'll get by and recover in several months, but my heart just won't listen. For now, I'll just go dark I guess. I don't know what else to do and it will probably be best for me.

I can't believe this is happening so fast. 2 months ago we were making love and talking about getting married this summer, 2 months from now she'll be married to someone else.