Thanks

[PatientMan]

All the ma'ams, are you from the south, military, or expressing great conviction?

Yes & no, formerly, and no. For me it's just a show of respect.

And I think I was in a "ma'am" mood.

The act of drinking, although a major factor, is only a part of the issue.

Exactly.

For me it was extremely easy to stop. It wasn't even a little difficult. In that moment that everything changed for me and the fog of my sickness lifted, I faced reality with a new clarity. I could go on for a while about the enormity of this instantaneous experience, but perhaps it's best to sum it up by saying, with complete confidence, I won't be drinking anymore.

W is the worst thing I've ever been addicted to, and it's the one I can't seem to shake. I know the answer is to detach more, I'm just being honest with where I am and where I've been. We've been together since we were kids, and through this process I've learned that when I strip everything else in my life away (money, career, material things, reputation, friends), none of that stuff matters and I'm still this 19-year-old boy who gets sick to his stomach when she isn't around. And I used to get that sick-to-my-stomach feeling before we were even dating and were just friends. At that point in my life it seemed my soul recognized something that my head didn't as I never thought about dating her and couldn't figure out the feeling the absence of her presence gave me.

My H also drank way too much and when the sons and I said it's time to quit, he quit. Boom!

But he didn't work on the WHY of his drinking.
...

Just a cautionary tale. Working on the why is important, no matter how you do it.

Agreed.

I was just curious about your W and how she's dealing with things. She has to come to the place where's she ready to dig through the baggage she's carrying. It's scary.

I'm not entirely sure. I know where she "says" she is, and I have to take her at her word and respect that. Of course, she said she was past all the pain and resentment of our M and how quickly I turned things around, but then recently admitted those were still issues for her, so I'm not saying that I don't believe her, I'm just saying that I'm doing my best to not let what she says affect what *I* want out of this and what *I* need to do to get there.

The DR book helped me put into place certain strategies, it made me realize that some of things I had been doing were a mistake, but it also reinforced some of the things I had been doing. I recognized very early on - the day of the BD, in fact - that *I* had to work on *ME* first and foremost. Initially I KNEW I had to be a man she WANTED to be with. It took a long time to start actually FEELING that way, and that process is still ongoing, but intellectually I understood where I had to get to. My heart and soul seem to be lagging, as seems to be common based on many people's situations here.

(It's ironic how my heart and soul were ahead of my brain in the early stages of my R with W, and now the roles have reversed.)

DR also made me realize more about myself and why I was making the mistakes I was making. Most of it is fear-based, I think, but not the lack of self-confidence fear. I know I will continue to have an increasingly successful career. I know I will be a great father. I know I will be a great friend. I know that I have a lot of love to give. I know I can find someone attractive and smart and who I enjoy spending time with. It's just that that person won't be W, and as I pointed out in a previous post, in my mind there has always been two women in my life: her, and everyone else...and everyone else is so far behind I can't hardly even see them on the radar screen.

Even through this very difficult process I still think the world of her. I admire her sticking to her guns. I appreciate that she could be much more difficult and less amicable towards me and how much time I can see the kids. I may not agree with some of the decisions she is making, but I understand why she is making them. I understand now that this is HER journey and I have to carefully balance how to let her figure this out while supporting her in whatever way I can, without applying any sort of perceived R pressure. I admire how hard she is working towards becoming the woman she wants to be. I know it isn't easy for her and she's displaying such strength and courage.

If I am a good man, a good father and a good friend, perhaps one day I can be seen as a good mate. If the latter is simply a bridge so broken beyond repair that it cannot be mended enough for her to ever cross again, then at least I will be a good man, father, and friend. And I can rest my head on my pillow at night knowing that.

One other thing, empathy doesn't mean you carry another person's pain but that you understand it. It's important to be able to emotionally detach.

I do understand her pain and it's kept me very grounded. I was just giving an example to illustrate that, but I am empathetic by nature...probably OVERLY-empathetic, and probably even to a fault. And I'm not saying that because I think that's what people want to hear and what might get ME the most sympathy on this forum, that's just how I'm wired. The aggregate amount of anger I have felt towards W throughout this ordeal is extremely small (probably too small), and that's because I understand her pain. I'm not claiming to know all that she is thinking, but I know that she has hurt, I know that she is hurting, I know what I have done to contribute to that pain, and I firmly believe I have been going through a lot of what she went through pre-BD. I think I mentioned it earlier in my thread, but it's almost seems like a type of karmic justice. Not that I believe in that, I just find the irony intriguing.

And believing that the awful process this has been for me is what she went through as well BECAUSE of me, keeps me grounded and humble.

We have had a couple of talks over the past week and a half and I gave some details of those in previous posts. I am really working on listening and validating, but one thing I did tell her was that we are still relying on each other, even if just as friends. I told her that I wanted to be sure that the hold we have on each other...I want to be sure that as she has a hold of my hand that I'm not pulling her down like I did for so long. If she's holding on to my hand, I want her to feel like I am pulling her up...helping to lift her up. And that if she didn't feel that way, then I am not okay with that and need to adjust. That's the macro-level angle of some of my 180's: showing appreciation, gratitude, respect all while applying zero R pressure. A difficult balance, but I'm not afraid of challenges and I think I'm making strides.

labug, thank you so much for your comments and questions. I appreciate your perspective and appreciate you querying me to make sure I'm really giving some honest thought to how I conduct myself throughout this process. I am nowhere near where I want to be as a man, but I am still improving and feel I am on the right track.

-PM