I wanted to tell a little of my story with hope that it might help someone. My BD was 5 and a half years ago.
Long story short. Married 25 years. xh had an affair with his exgf from 30 years ago. She had cheated on him with his best friend while living with him back then.
I heard all the same things most of us have.
He stayed in the home for about a year post bomb. In my bed for most of it. Our son was 16 years old at the time.
He was not a nasty MLCer verbally, but, he was a particularly crazy one. After a year, it was affecting me health wise and I insisted he leave. He moved 2 hours away.
Because of how he was spending money, I had to file about 2 years after bd. He had amassed an exorbitant amount of debt and had been taking a lot of money. I wound up owing half of a debt I did not know about. He ruined me financially probably for the rest of my life and did some terrible things during the divorce.
I promised myself three things at the beginning of it all: I would act with dignity, I would not ever say a bad word about him to our son or cause harm to whatever relationship they forged and that I would remain true to myself.
I kept my promises.
My son and I have degenerative neuromuscular disease and other health issues. I tried to keep my xh in the loop regarding our son’s health, until he turned 18. I told him then that if there was anything he wanted to know he could ask our son or he could reach out to me.
He and his father have slowly worked their way into a close relationship. Not where it was before, but, it works for them and I am so very thankful.
My son has scars from this, but, he has become a remarkable young man and I am so very proud of who he is.
The ow is long gone and as far as I know, my xh has not been with anyone else. He lives 5 hours away so who knows ?We have contact from time to time and when we do, sometimes still, the things that come out of his mouth give me pause.
I think he is slowly coming out of the tunnel. He doesn’t seem to realize how much time has passed. He seems regretful of some of the things he’s done. At this point, they are just words. He hasn’t shown any actions to support it. It is nice to hear on some level, though.
He has said some things that show that he clearly was/is in crisis. When we are together, it is so strange. He is someone I once knew. Familiar yet, not.
I forgave him a long time ago. He knows it and has said he doesn’t deserve it. No matter, it was for me. Didn’t want to carry around that anger.
I have come a long way. My vet friends on here will remember I went kicking and screaming into db. I couldn’t get it for a long time. And then I did.
Once I detached and let him go, my life began again. I am ok. I am becoming who I was meant to be. Always a work in progress, but , getting there everyday.
I am forever grateful to this site and my friends who got me through.
There really is life after a midlife crisis. And you will all get through it. Hopefully to reconcile, but definitely a stronger, smarter you.
I believe your posting will help others see that even if the marriage doesn't survive, they will.
You and your son have traveled a very rough and bumpy road, but both of you have grown stronger, wiser and more compassionate along the way.
You are a survivor and a success story. My hat's off to you, as well as your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you urworty. Postings like this give others of us hope that there is a sunrise on a new beginning. I'm relatively a newby, only 3 years post bomb, trying to start my life over, and sometimes the mental side of it is overwhelming. You help me believe that even I will get it sooner or later.
Hey Snodderly, thank you. You were always one of my biggest cheerleaders and I will never forget it.
Punkin, I dont know if you realize who this is. Different name, LOL! .
Sweetie, you have come such a long way. This is tough stuff. You know that, though. I know at my age, this was so not where I thought my life was going to be. Still a struggle financially and health wise.
But, I am as always, excited to see where life takes me.
You HAVE gotten it, and will continue to do so. We all travel this journey in our own time, in our own way.
And we should never stop believing in ourselves and that we are worthy.
I know it can be overwhelming. But I know, without a doubt, that you will be ok.
I do know who it is, and I am very happy to hear from you. Your xh could have won prizes for his MLC script It is good that your son is building a relationship with his father. It is tough on these kids.
I didn't at first, but then I recognized you. It was like hearing someone's voice when you can't see their face. You still know its them.
Personally, I was so very happy to have you back. I missed you and your comforting words more than you'll ever know.
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes it's easy to forget that a "vet" wasn't always so. Everyone starts out a newbie.
I was not aware of your health ailments, and I'm sorry to hear that both you and your son are affected. I know that carries its own set of issues to deal with. It's not easy.
You are such an inspiration around here, and your kind insight helps so many.
Thank you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hey Bea, my friend, thank you. And you are one of mine. And yep, my xh brought a lot of laughter and head scratching to this site. He was a strange one. LOL!
TVS, thank you so much for your kind words. I am humbled by them. I always hope I help in some small way. You are so very special.
My son and I do struggle with some difficult things, but, he is my hero. Whenever I start to feel a little sorry for myself, I look at him and how he lives his life with such dignity and strength and remember that I am blessed in so many ways.
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