Running on Fumes

[Portia]

It has been three nights since I have heard from xSO. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact I brushed off his crumbs. I have not contacted him.

We are in that rinse, repeat cycle. Back to where he no longer feels guilty enough to call and see how I am doing.

I know this is a long process, like any kind of grieving but I can hardly wait until the day when I am truly detached. When I don't care or notice if he does not call or answer a text.

Last year we spent my birthday together. I did not know then that he was already involved with the OW - maybe not physically yet, but involved. He has been detached from me for a long time. And I want to catch up!

I got a letter from his mom yesterday offering her condolences. It was such a nice letter, and personal. I doubt she even knows what her son has done. He will not have told her and I would not tell her. I wonder if he knows she wrote me?

[mizjjd]

I know this is a long process, like any kind of grieving but I can hardly wait until the day when I am truly detached. When I don't care or notice if he does not call or answer a text.

I feel you Portia.

We'll get through this.

Though somedays, it doesn't really seem likely.

God bless.

[BRNR]

Portia thanks for your comments on my thread. And taking the time to catch up. I am sorry for the loss of your family member...

I am just curious, did you go any period without talking to SO at all? I at least had a month at the very beginning to keep to myself, and honestly I wish I would have continued longer...I'd probably be further on in detachment...

Keep at it...I am right there with you...

[Portia]

Hey MizJ and BRNR,

Thank you for your comments.

The hurt and disappointment is what makes this so hard. If I could truly detach, I am not even sure I would mind "limbo" so much. The real truth is that the more clearly I see the situation, the less likely I am going to detach. I will walk away. So tired of hurting and of the non-progress and of my stomache bunching up when I am sure he is lying to me but I cannot prove it. Is some of this my pride? No doubt.

B, you asked whether or not we've ever had a long period of no contact. Thinking back, we really haven't. The longest may have been about a week. I was the pursuer after BD (prior to reading DR) but after that, I managed to control myself fairly well and since then have not initiated much contact. BUT, he is starting to go longer and longer without contacting me (which is why I suspect the GF is back in the picture).

After my parent passed away, he called every day for a week. Then he fell back into the every 3-4 day pattern.

Is it funny that the more he makes an effort to tell me his plans or whereabouts (i.e. saw your text before passing out last night, the more I suspect that he is lying?

My goal is to work toward detaching. I really want to be able to not care whether or not he calls. Living long distance, it is our phone connection which is the last to go. He has not brought up my visit and neither have I. I woke up just a little more when he rejected my company on my upcoming birthday. If I can stop being disappointed, I can heal better. So much easier said than done.

I feel we are moving further apart rather than even standing still. At least in the fall he wanted to see me, now it does not even appear that he wants to see me at all.

You know, I actually was having a good day. I am off on a bit of an adventure and enjoying it. What made a little reflective was that this is something that I would have loved to share with him - there was (and is) no other person with who was such fun to share things with. I miss that. Not that he would not respond - eventually - if I sent a text like the old days, but just knowing that he does not care if he hears from me or not stops me from sending anything.

[BRNR]

The hurt and disappointment is what makes this so hard. If I could truly detach, I am not even sure I would mind "limbo" so much.

Portia, I totally agree with this and have empathy as I feel the same. But I have been thinking of things in a way that has helped. For me, I keep thinking, "he broke my heart, lied, deceived, betrayed my trust, etc" and that helps me to gain the strength to just leave my H alone..at least for now. When he is nice, he pulls me back in and I see my "old H" and I just keep reminding myself of these facts, and pay no mind to why he may be doing what he is doing. But I do this for me internally only, I don't portray this to him...

B, you asked whether or not we've ever had a long period of no contact. Thinking back, we really haven't. The longest may have been about a week. I was the pursuer after BD (prior to reading DR) but after that, I managed to control myself fairly well and since then have not initiated much contact. BUT, he is starting to go longer and longer without contacting me (which is why I suspect the GF is back in the picture).

I am in the same boat here as well. But I think our H's need to miss us, so you may want to think about going dark, especially in your sitch with no kids involved (I think?)

My invites to lunch/dinners/social events with or without my children has ceased as well. I am thinking OW is back in my H's picture too in some way, or maybe never left, but in my view, it doesn't really matter anymore to me, because, while I want H back, it will never happen for me if she is still "around". For me, she will need to be long gone before I would consider letting my H back into my life...

Is it funny that the more he makes an effort to tell me his plans or whereabouts (i.e. saw your text before passing out last night, the more I suspect that he is lying?

No, it is not wrong for you to feel this way, I do on a lot of occasions, but try to not think about it...weren't you the one who told me " he is going to do whatever he wants anyway". Remember detachment...

I feel we are moving further apart rather than even standing still. At least in the fall he wanted to see me, now it does not even appear that he wants to see me at all.

I know it is hard...I truly sympathize on this one...me too. Man Portia, we have so much in common when it comes to our feelings. But again, I think it is when they have that feeling that they have lost us, is when they turn to introspect their feelings about us more. Count this as a blessing, I am. Because in the end this will give them the info THEY need to move forward...good or bad, is only something they can decide. Remember, we cannot control how they feel.

Portia, you can do this girl. So can I. Keep at it, work on detachment...I know we both will get through the other side with each others support! I know I am new at this too, but I feel sometimes it helps me to hear from others to confirm our feelings and thoughts and clear the perspective a little. Take what you like, toss what you don't.

Smile - have a nice day!

[mizjjd]

Hey Portia.

Just checking in.

Here's a smile for you, in case you're in need of one.



Take care.

[Portia]

Thanks for your post B and MizJ - a smile is always needed.

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I am beginning to see things much more clearly. It is strange how some straws just break the camel's back but I think that is what happened. It has been almost four months since we have seen each other because of the long distance. I asked if he wanted to spend my birthday with me, so I would stay in town an extra day (I was in town for business) and he said he would check his schedule. A small thing? Yes. But a huge eye opener to me.

I cannot seem to help holding onto these delusions of us working this out and living happily ever after. But the more I realize that he just simply does not care about me anymore and the clearer I see that, the more those delusions are fading away, along with any desire to continue to have him in my life.

We have not spoken in over a week now. I called him over the weekend - a bit like an alcoholic with the "one last drink". He was not home. He called back the next morning twice but no message (I was not home) and my cell once (it was off); so I was not deliberately avoiding him. I did try to reach him later but he was not home. That was two days ago.

How hard it is to wrap my head around who he is now. He has done absolutely nothing to indicate that he is truly sorry or that he wishes to keep me in his life. I believe he thinks that I will accept these crumbs forever. I will not.

B, you asked me about "going dark"; I have to confess that these expressions are used so differently with different people, I am always reluctant to use them. But assuming dark is the equivalent of no contact, that will only occur when I am done and no longer care what he does. Since we are long distance, cutting off all contact would effectively end any chance we had. Not that I do not realize how slim that chance really is.

Right now, and until my next internal check in, I am "dim". I will have no "need" to contact him, so I will answer if he calls but keep the convos short and may skip a few calls. I will not ask again if he wants to see me when I am in town.

I quite suspect that by the next "check-up" there will be nothing left of our relationship. But, I guess I can't know that.

My goal is to use the time to detach from him, including the pain and hurt that he has caused and to put my life back in order. I miss my parent dreadfully, but it is a different kind of missing - they did not want to leave me and the leaving was with love. Not so with Mr. MLC.

Strangely, when he was opening up a bit more especially about his IC sessions, I thought I would take the chance and ask if he would like us to attend a session together. He mentioned it ages ago. But I realize that he is pulling back...back, so now is not the time for that invitation.

We are done if I confirm the GF is back in the picture. I suspect she is or someone else, but I don't know for sure.

[mizjjd]

Portia,

isn't it amazing that just when you think your heart is shattered you find some remaining shred that can still hurt?

Sorry you find yourself in pain - again.

I think you have a good goal for yourself. Keep your focus on that - and maybe plan for some sort of treat for yourself. You certainly deserve something to look forward to.

I see the ow is setting up camp in your mind again. I'm the last one to talk - but you know that letting her in your head doesn't help.

Keep breathing. I'm sending you hugs. (((Portia)))

[BRNR]

I cannot seem to help holding onto these delusions of us working this out and living happily ever after. But the more I realize that he just simply does not care about me anymore and the clearer I see that, the more those delusions are fading away, along with any desire to continue to have him in my life.

Wow, I couldn't have written it better myself...I feel the same as you...we both need to get past this thought, don't you think? I am in a little different situation, as I am presented with my H face to face everyday, but let me tell you what someone else told me...having these feelings do not change anything that is happening now and today. If he should decide to change things and want to be a part of your life, you still may feel this way, you may not, but how is that going to change what is happening today. I thought about it, and it is not. So let's file that one away for now.

How hard it is to wrap my head around who he is now. He has done absolutely nothing to indicate that he is truly sorry or that he wishes to keep me in his life. I believe he thinks that I will accept these crumbs forever. I will not.

Again...Portia why do we have so much in common? He is a stranger, maybe he will always be, maybe he will be the same, maybe a little of both, but at the end of his crisis. He is not there yet, so try to stop trying to see yourself with this person. You and I both know we want nothing to do with these guys the way they are now...I know I don't at least. Also, can you see yourself being content with someone who has not shown any remorse. Trust me, I want this as badly as you, but this is also my motivation for some things, like having no contact. I don't know how long you have been going through things, but it seems it has been about 6 months. Is this long enough for you? Are you ready to give up? Only you can answer these questions. Someone told me it might be a good idea to create an internal timeline for yourself, but don't mention it to anyone, especially him.

My goal is to use the time to detach from him, including the pain and hurt that he has caused and to put my life back in order.

Sounds like a good goal...I think I am stealing this one and using it for myself.

Take care Portia, it sounds like you have a lot of other things going on...do the things that you can do now...let the other stuff fall to the wayside.

Feel better, take care of you, live in every moment.

[Portia]

Hey MizJ and B,

Thank you both for stopping by; I am so grateful for the support and hugs.

isn't it amazing that just when you think your heart is shattered you find some remaining shred that can still hurt?

Yes. Honestly, I have been abandoned, betrayed, lied to with an "I hate you" cherry on top and I am aching over an "I'll check my schedule" when I offer an opportunity for us to spend time together? Perhaps detachment is just another phrase for death of a dream by a thousand cuts?

It has been a week without any sort of contact. I have no idea if he is trying to reach me at home, but I am not there. But, I did spend a nice two hours having dinner with a colleague and I did not think of xSO once. A fruity cocktail helped

I see the ow is setting up camp in your mind again. I'm the last one to talk - but you know that letting her in your head doesn't help.

You know, I had to think about this. Do you know what has really camped out in my head (and must of course be gotten rid of as well) but that after everything he still feels the need to hide it from me. Again, no proof but things are weird somehow and given the time he suggests he is spending by himself or stopping by to talk to a married friend and being very defensive about it just smacks of dishonesty in some fashion. Does he think things can get any worse?

I have accepted that I will never know the "why" of things like I will never know why some parents beat their children or why people kill. Treating even a friend the way he is treating me is just not what I would do. Yet somehow, it makes sense to him or at least he is choosing to act this way.

B, Thank you for the advice. We do sound terribly alike. And you never need to steal anything of use from my advice or threads, it is all given freely