BRNR, you will never be wrong for setting a boundary. Being gracious and being strong are not counter to each other. Being aggressive is counter but setting a boundary that is no-kidding your boundary-do not cross it, is never the wrong thing for you. You have to decide if the boundary you set and may have to enforce is the right one for you. Good for you for waiting ten minutes and thinking it over. That's wisdom and graciousness if you ask me! There's no need to set ridiculous boundaries or get drunk with "power", but continue to look for those boundaries like that. And continue to be gentle about them, but firm. You both need those boundaries believe it or not. And continue to be a safe person he can open up to. Those two things will help you with your sanity and see you through no matter how or what he does
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have been trying to get my s13 (14 in nine days) to open up about his feelings regarding everything. He is very introverted and never really expresses himself which is far different from my s9. Today, something came up while we were in the car and I was trying to get my son to open up more. In learning a lot about MLC, I was thinking I didn't want him to bury his feelings regarding the sitch and in turn someday go through his own mess.
I am not sure if it was a good idea or a bad idea. My son had a major melt down. I listened a lot and asked him questions that would draw out more about how he felt. He is in so much pain...he never showed this until today. He was always been very casual, saying things like "it is what it is", and "whatever", but I knew deep down that he didn't feel that way. I even asked he if had opened up to anyone else, like his friends at school or a teacher, or a coach and he said no, he hadn't talked about it with anyone. He cried a lot, and started texting his Dad that he wanted him to come home.
I sat him down once I found out and told him that we would be fine, that things were changing, yes, but we would figure things out. He was outraged. He started to text more to h, and I "stopped" him by telling him he was angry and hurt and he should wait until at least the morning when he felt a little better. I told him he is entitled to feel how ever he wants, and that I wouldn't take that away from him. I explained that I loved him very much and so did his dad, and nothing would ever change that. I also told him that I never meant to hurt him by asking him about his feelings and that I was just trying to be a good mother to him and wanted to understand what he was going through.
He ended up saying he wanted to be alone and went to bed without eating dinner and that now he is thinking about a lot of things...
I feel horrible...and am regretting trying to get him to open up. I just don't think it is healthy for him to ignore his feelings. He even said that he doesn't believe that Dad left because he doesn't love me and that he feels it is something else and he is going to get to the bottom of it.
The children do not know about OW. Me dating, and Dad dating came up in the conversation as well. I told them that I would not lie and say it could never happen, but I wasn't doing it now. I tried to ask them how they felt about that, and got a typical answer of they would rather H and I get back together. Nothing more to this, and I left it alone.
Oh boy, I feel this conversation was long overdue with my oldest, but man, I was totally unprepared for it. And from what I can gather, when they try to have this conversation with H it just gets swept under the rug.
Could I have done better, would it have been better to ignore and leave it be? I don't think so, but my heart is breaking in a whole new way for s13.
Any advice, please, nothing in the books help you deal with the kids of an MLCer.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I'm sorry that things didn't turn out so well when you tried to speak to your son about the situation. Do you have them in counseling? Is your son close to any other male figure in his life besides his father? I know of several children who have been through this and they tended to open up more w/another male that they felt close to.
Your son needs to feel safe when talking about the situation and that's why it might be best to have him go to counseling or a close male take him under his wing. Some kids tend to open up more w/someone outside the family circle because they don't want to be disloyal to mom or dad.
I think I would allow him the space and time to think about things and I wouldn't raise the issue again this weekend. When he sees that it's safe to talk, he may very well open up a little bit to you, but it's not going to be a lengthy, mind boggling talk. He's digesting everything and trying to figure things out a little at a time, somewhat like the mlcer.
Good luck! Be patient and don't push for more conversation right now w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
More sage advice from Snodderly. I will add that based on your son saying he's going to "get to the bottom" of why his dad left, there is a risk that he might try to take on the role of fixer or as "man of the house.". It's important that you do you best to ensure that your son not feel like he can or has to take on responsibility for getting his family back together.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
AJ-Boy, I needed to hear this morning about boundry setting. I have been going back and forth with H all morning, because now that Soccer is starting, and he is the coach, he wants Tuesday night with our boys. This is the only night for me that I am not running them to a class, rehearsal, game, etc. I can actually make a homemade dinner for them. While I understand, he will now be coaching two nights a week and on Saturdays, what he doesn't realize is that his time, at least with one of our children, will increase. I firmly need my quality time with my kids on Tuesdays. I had to stand my ground with that one...hopefully H does not turn into another bitter boy again.
Snodderly/GWN-I hear you all on this and even told my son that he didn't have to open up with me if he didn't feel comfortable, but that he should do so with someone he trusted. He said he trusted and was comfortable telling me, so I let him vent. And yes, as far as trying to be a fixer, that was exactly what he was trying to do, which was why I told him to stop texting his Dad. I have often told him that if his Dad wants to come home, it will be by his choice only. On a positive, he is very good this morning, happy go lucky almost. I think he just needed to release. I will give him space and time to gather and work through his emotions, but overall, I think he will be okay.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Okay just updating. The day was good. Me and the boys went bowling. We went to the grocery store and then pretty much made it a night and played some more video games. I am really strict and feel they should only play on the weekends and focus on other things during the week, like school.
H turned into a bitter little boy again as I have not heard from him at all since the text on my boundary on NO Tuesdays. He called the kids once for five minutes and hung up with them abruptly.
Funny, my s9 asked if H could go bowling with us. I have a hard time saying no to the boys, so I said if your dad wants, then it is okay with me. Funny thing is, neither one of the boys reached out to H to ask him. Whew! So it was just us three. Yay!
Having a moment. I often think about the things my MLCer has said, and something is bothering me about a comment he made.
At one point in time when he was confessing about OW and opening up about his feelings, I had asked him who, in his family, had he told about the sitch. He told me that he hadn't told anyone and had "his reasons". I don't understand this. Is it shame, is it guilt, is it confusion?
How can someone go through the rest of their life without their family, as he has cut himself off from everyone, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sister, mom, nephews and niece, everyone. This doesn't make sense to me...to cut off from everyone who is blood?
I would like to pray that he would regain his family again, but they are all hurt because of the sitch. They all "side" with me ( not that that makes a difference) and they all know, because of the one person he did tell, his mother,and none of them talk to him and are treating me like the blood instead of him.
What makes this hard is they all want me to come over and drop in and still join in the family gatherings and such, with or without the boys. It hurts me, because I want to, but I worry about everything, will they ask me about it, will he show up, will he bring "a someone", will I be talked about behind my back. Uhh, so mentally draining, and this is only coming up because of Easter being in a few weeks.
Oh, on another note, s13, seemed to be very good today. He never texted H anymore or furthered anything he started last night. Such a great kid. He laughed, smiled and joked with me and his brother all day. I think the release was very good for him.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
If you haven't thought more about it, I highly suggest getting the kids, if they will accept it, to talk to a good therapist. Ask around for recommendations and shop carefully. In my mind, you don't want your kids to have to deal with this later in life, a la MLC for themselves.
For kids, it was once explained to me that their stability comes from their parents - their relationship, and their home. It's an important part of their life. To interrupt that is devastating and difficult in many ways. Many of those ways are not seen until much later. The MLCr, if like mine, think that everything is fine, everyone does it, and the kids will be fine. The lies we tell ourselves.
In my case, pushed for my kids to go to a counselor. My ex fought it for a long time. Then she decided the kids needed to go (at her lawyers insistence) and forced them to go. I don't recommend forcing it. Was it helpful? I think it was good at sowing some seeds, but I think the forcing them to go was the wrong way to go. They didn't want to be there. My son won't. My daughter went several times. But the story isn't over for them
I took the approach that I couldn't stop what ex was doing. I don't talk badly about her if it comes up, but I see the anger in my son. He'll talk to her husband and act like things are fine. But my instinct is that he is not. My daughter is also not fine. She chooses to take her anger out differently and give her as much space and time as I can. Both of them.
I can't change what has happened or the choices that were made. I can only be there for them and be stable.
As for dating, I highly recommend you not introduce the kids to anyone new for a very long time. There are a host of reasons, but one of those is that you wouldn't want them getting attached to somebody that may not work out. It might seem like they were "left" again. Make sense?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I wanted to touch on something you mentioned about your h has cut himself off from family. My xh did that back in 2000 and has continued to do so throughout all of this time. Many of his family members haven't seen him since 2000. He does stay in contact w/his brother, but it's most via email and texts. Aunts, uncles, etc. nothing, not even a card. They ask me about him when I touch base w/them and I always let them know he's holding his own. It's very sad because he's lost a lot of family members during that time and never went to the funerals or sent condolences either. Some mlcers will reconnect w/family and others won't.
As for not telling family or friends about the situation, my xh didn't share the news w/his family for quite some time. It's their way of protecting their fantasy and they don't want to be judged nor the person that they are with. It's a little bit of guitl and shame, but I think it's more about being judged as well as people giving them their opinion about what they are doing.
But your h isn't anywhere close to reconnecting w/family members as he's still exhibiting replay signs. Reconnection to family members generally comes towards the end of the crisis. Pray for his healing and I do understand the hurt feelings that his family is experiencing, but right now, he's all into himself and the family represents the past. Keep in mind, you can't do anything about bridging the rift between them right now...it will work out one way or the other.
If his family invites you over and you feel comfortable about it, go and enjoy yourself. You can always switch topics if they ask about him, but I don't think you have to worry about him showing up w/someone at this point.
I'm glad you and the boys had a great day. The three of you needed some time together and it goes to show that even if the boys wanted dad there, they didn't call him.
Glad to see you set your boundary for Tuesdays and yes, the little 2 yr old came out to play. Once a boundary is set by you, do not waiver from it or he'll know that you don't mean it and will test you time and time again over the boundaries.
AJM, is of the same mind that I am...some counseling will help your sons navigate the situation and explore their feelings about the situation. They need to be able to have someone who is neutral to talk to about the situation so that they don't hurt mom or dad when expressing their feelings. Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Having a good/bad day today. Needing a little release.
The bad- of course H must be very pissed about the Tuesday thing, as I haven't heard from him since and barely have the kids either. This weekend felt like the time when he was involved with OW, so my mind has been on a course today to think about what he has been up to...maybe Snodderly is right... in replay. He has seemed like old H for a while now, maybe a month or so, so I had my hopes that he was working through the next stages of his crisis...
It is killing me inside again...I feel so low, hurt, desperate for a text or call from him, anything. I also have been remembering all our good times that we have had in fifteen years...it has been making me cry, knowing we will never have good times again. He has become such a stranger that I don't know who he is. I want my old H. And honestly i have come to realize that the majority of us on here, never see our spouses return and get divorced. I can'tbear the thought...I am choking up as I write this it hurts. Of course I can't live like this either (limbo).
Is it sad that what makes me happy is having a husband? Someone I can share every moment with...make dinner for, laugh, talk, and watch movies together. Urghhh!
So here I am feeling just as low as I did in the beginning...hopefully I get over feeling this way soon.
The good - my boys and I had a decent day. Just hung around the house and didn't do much. We all like not being so active and just being able to sit still...I guess we are homebodies that way. I found a new way to style my hair, that my son commented made me look younger...which is so funny, because I am 33 and look like I am 20 (well as I am told by everyone who knows me and who doesn't- I still get carded when ordering drinks). So the last thing I needed was to look younger, but I like the style, so I am going with it.
I am having a really difficult time not wanting to "check in" with H and see how he is doing. My heart wants him back so badly, but my mind knows this is not going to happen. I have lost all hope I guess. He is too stubborn to see things irregardless of the fog. I am tired of being lonely, tired of missing H, tired of going on in this life by myself. I want so much for companionship right now...to be hugged and loved by someone. My heart can't take much more of this I fear. I have had several guys show interest in me, all know the sitch about the separation, but I can't help but to compare anyone to my old H. So no interest in any of the guys, not that I am ready to go down that road anyway... Why is it that someone who has hurt me so badly is someone I am still attracted to and see myself being with? So frustrating. I think I will be alone forever.
AJ / Snodderly - I have thought about the counseling for the kids and have asked several people for recommendations. The things that are holding me back are money & time. I barely have time with my kids because of H, and all the family therapist are over 45 minutes away.
So, can't wait to go to sleep tonight and put myself out of this misery and pain. Hopefully this week will be better. I will see H tomorrow when he picks up the children. I pray it is a positive experience and he has gotten over the whole "Tuesday" thing by then.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Reading your post, so sorry you had a bad day. I feel for you, could have written many of your words myself.
It is not sad that having a H made you happy. If we didn't think having them would make us happy, then why did we get married?
I love being married, I really do. No, being married isn't always fun or easy, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Throw children into the mix, and I was happy with my life.
H isn't exactly feeling the same.
I too, miss my "real" H, the guy I married. I have been struggling lately with this also. It breaks my heart to think he is gone forever - whether we end up together or not.
I haven't been approached by any men, but I could totally see myself comparing them to real H. It would be a hard act to follow.
Read some of the posts Urworthy wrote on my thread. They were very helpful and comforting when I was down and teary ( as I've been feeling lately).
Hang in there
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
