You sound as if you're doing really well. I hope your TKD presentation is a success on Friday. It's great that you have something like that in your life.
I guess it's been about a year since the ILYBINILWY speech. How do you feel that you are doing now compared to a year ago? Maybe it's a good time to recap how you've changed and your 180s and look ahead to more.
Hearing about you and your sitch helps me with mine. I admire your patience and steadfastness.
Thanks Wendy! It took me a year to get to where I am now. I think the longer you have been married, the longer it takes to detach. We've been married for almost 30 years, and met when we were still kids! I think people in shorter marriages, or who met later in life, could get over the kind of rejection I faced, and still face, quicker than I did. Life with my wife committed to me is almost all I ever knew!
I look forward to adding more meaning and purpose in my life, while letting W figure herself out. I hope I can do it, as I still struggle every week. I've always been a bit of a loaner, so maybe that's helping me a bit now.
As far as "patience and steadfastness", what else can I do? I have zero interest in starting up a relationship with someone new. (who would only have their own issues, and of course would come with no guarantee of lasting happiness)
I would love nothing more than for my W to reconnect with me, so here I stand. Thank you for your help, my DB brothers and sisters!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for sharing FY. I know this feeling of coolness and no connecting. It hurts. What my W has indicated is that she didn't feel enough emotional connection in our M. Yet, since our sitch began I feel our connection and closeness has descended and this is hard to take. Feel like my W is making no effort to turn this around. As I've seen stated on this forum I guess us LBSers need to do the heavy lifting.
Also, feel like we are simply friendly neighbors at this point.
Just been really down more than not in the last couple weeks. Feel like I'm going through the grieving of the loss of my best friend and partner. That feeling has really hit me hard recently.
Happy I have some friends to turn to and actually couple of friends that are periodically checking on me. So keeps me going.
I admire your patience FY.
VG, I feel the pain in your words. Know that you cannot force the connection you so much desire. She has to come to you. She will not until she is ready. Stop trying so hard and focus on you. I know, much easier said than done, but it is the only way.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, thank you for the movie recommendation. I will go see it!
You know how you feel and where you stand, and I don't see your W making any moves to leave you or initiate D, so you have the gift of time. Keep going, and thank you for all the support and encouragement you've given me!
I held my TKD presentation at lunch today and it was a huge success! Lot's of audience interaction, question asking and laughing at my jokes. At one point I had a couple of volunteers join me on stage to help demonstrate the beginner techniques students would be performing.
Now I just need to have at least 7 people sign up in order to run the class, which I don't see as being a problem.
Funny thing is, last night I was feeling a bit down while training in my home studio and watching myself in the mirrors. Your techniques aren't so great, I told myself. (I've always held high standards for the black belt rank, and myself in particular.) Yet at the demonstration today there was nothing but OOO's, and Wow's, and even applause!
Afterwards there were plenty of compliments which I accepted graciously.
Two nights ago I asked W if she would make up a flyer for me to hand out at the presentation. (one of her work skills) She didn't like that I waited until the last minute to ask, (Oops!) which I apologized for, but then spent the whole night turning out a piece of work that everyone was impressed with! This has to be a form of love on her part, I thought.
Sadly, she could not accept the compliments. Her rushed work just wasn't good enough in her mind.
I still really want to ask her a bunch of questions. Basically take her temperature and push her a bit I suppose, but I'll hold off for now.
Even so, I'll be looking for openings to allow her to see that the reality is I'm not waiting around forever for my wife to love me.
Thanks for your support everyone!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I held my TKD presentation at lunch today and it was a huge success! Lot's of audience interaction, question asking and laughing at my jokes. At one point I had a couple of volunteers join me on stage to help demonstrate the beginner techniques students would be performing.
Now I just need to have at least 7 people sign up in order to run the class, which I don't see as being a problem.
This is great!
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Funny thing is, last night I was feeling a bit down while training in my home studio and watching myself in the mirrors. Your techniques aren't so great, I told myself. (I've always held high standards for the black belt rank, and myself in particular.) Yet at the demonstration today there was nothing but OOO's, and Wow's, and even applause!
Afterwards there were plenty of compliments which I accepted graciously.
Two nights ago I asked W if she would make up a flyer for me to hand out at the presentation. (one of her work skills) She didn't like that I waited until the last minute to ask, (Oops!) which I apologized for, but then spent the whole night turning out a piece of work that everyone was impressed with! This has to be a form of love on her part, I thought.
Sadly, she could not accept the compliments. Her rushed work just wasn't good enough in her mind.
Just like you hold yourself to high standards on your TKD your W holds her self to high standards on her work. Nothing wrong with that. And to me, that says she wants to do her best work for you. She cares. I think this is a positive small step.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I still really want to ask her a bunch of questions. Basically take her temperature and push her a bit I suppose, but I'll hold off for now.
Even so, I'll be looking for openings to allow her to see that the reality is I'm not waiting around forever for my wife to love me.
You know your sitch best and will know your time. Best of luck to you FY!
I would still hold off for now as she seems to be ever so slowly progressing. Be careful not to push her backwards.
I know. Don't worry, I won't be doing/saying anything that will bomb things between us. I've been patient much too long to ruin everything now.
Originally Posted By: VeryGrateful
Just like you hold yourself to high standards on your TKD your W holds her self to high standards on her work. Nothing wrong with that. And to me, that says she wants to do her best work for you. She cares. I think this is a positive small step.
You're right, and I agree, this part is good. The issue is that she is in a place where almost nothing she does is good enough for her. Even compliments are seldom accepted. There's always an excuse of why it wasn't good enough. She's not happy with her.
It's an issue that I'm finding she has to work through for herself.
I hope she does. (already)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Great job on the TKD! Time to stretch your wings a bit.
I will agree with the others, if W didn't care, she wouldn't have done your flyer, or would have done a half-a$$ed job of it...done there, been that with my W in my "Satan period" during her anger days.
Keep doing what you are, and yes, don't throw away all your hard work and patience by pushing too hard now...you got this!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I still really want to ask her a bunch of questions. Basically take her temperature and push her a bit I suppose, but I'll hold off for now.
I really understand this, I really do!
But I'm glad you are holding off for now.
I want more answers now too, very much. I noticed the answers I am getting now are coming slowly, and more in the form of "why" not "what". I may never get the answers to some of those questions I have curiosity about, but I'm starting to realize I don't need them.
I noticed for myself, in wanting to ask questions, it's more of wanting to know something that will reassure me. Maybe somewhere my H isn't there yet. But I WANT him to be so the pressure is on to ask the question. And if you don't get the answer you wanted .... they feel pressured and close off a bit .... and you feel disappointed. At least that's how its worked for me.
I think you are doing great waiting. And you've got the excitement and energy of the class. And you've got the love for W. Now you just have to extend the patience!
It's been a year for you since BD? It's been a year for me since H moved out. A long time, I know.
I listen to this song often from Carole King:
"And I know that the future Depends on you and me I hope we can work it out Eventually
Hey, maybe someday Eventually."
I think of you and the others here sometimes when I listen to it.
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
