Received email from H today. Have not replied. I had a BIG "do I want to be right? or do I want to save my marriage" realization so I'm cautious on how to proceed.
I sent my email feeling weak with guilt at accepting my part in the demise of our relationship. I asked if he would consider seeing a counselor to figure out how we can move forward with our family "in whatever form that takes". I'm scared now because I've read so many other threads about DON'T engage in MC if the WAS isn't into it. And I think my H is right to be cautious, as I am, but he hasn't made a lot of changes and I don't think he's really into it...
Email from H:
"I've been reading and re-reading your email. You do seem like you have changed and are trying to be a better person. The girls seem like they are in a better place as well. I don't know if its because they have matured some or the therapy is helping them or if its a mix of both. But the results are evident.
I can't really say that I've changed much myself. I stil worry about money and providing a comfortable home and material things for you and the girls. I wish I could do more or make more and work less so that I could have more time with the girls. But as I've always said, "time and money. You have one or the other but not both."
I'm open to finding a therapist and discussing things so that we can move on. Whether that is together or separate remains to be seen. I am very weary and not inclined to come back at this point. It's like the lion in the cage (for lack of a better example). If the trainer pokes him with a stick all the time, he won't like the trainier or will avoid him.
Again, I am happy that you're relationship with the girls is going well. I find it funny (ironic not haha funny) that this is the case. So many times I talked with the girls when you were on a 'rampage' about having patience and love for you . I stuck up for you countless times and showed solidarity because thats what was right. D17 even asked me once why I stay with you. I never told you that because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want to hurt your feelings now but enough time has passed and you seem to be in a better spot to hear it.
I am sorry for my part of the problem too. Instead of dealing with it at the beginning or even yelling or screaming, I buried my feelings and tried to cover it up. Instead, I self medicated and tried to push it off. That obviously didn't work. My apathy became a warm blanket. Drinking and avoiding you became the norm. But no matter what I tried, nothing helped. I know it may have felt that I left at a crucial time in the girls lives and it absolutely killed me to do it. But I couldn't at the time see any other way. I felt like I had become a shitty father and a non-existent husband. I was either going to drive drunk and kill myself or even worse one of the girls. I could not let that happen!!! So I left.
Anyways, no need to rehash old reasons or excuses.
Like I said before, I'm fine with therapy. I don't really know what I'm looking for tho and you seem to be a pro, so if you want to chose one or have one in mind that would be great. But as it stands, right now, my goal is to be able to find out how we can have a good relationship with our girls apart and a pleasant working relationship together. Maybe my thinking will change down the road, but for now that's all I can promise. Please don't take this wrong or be offended. I know that you have changed and are in a different place. Maybe more at peace with yourself. But I am still weary. Sorry. Please know that I still love you as a friend and am deeply concerned with your well being. I want you to be happy no matter if its with me, alone or in a new relationship.
I'm sure we can discuss all of this stuff with the therapist and figure out our next step."
So the positives, at least he's communicating and expressing some deep hurt. Not a lot of taking responsibility, especially avoiding the affair topic, but small steps are okay. Consistent change over long period is going to be key for me. I don't know if it'll ever knock down the tall wall around H, but I'm changing for me anyways. It huts that he would say that about D17. Our workloads regarding parenting/household/everything was not fair or anywhere near equal. But that does not excuse a 'rampage' on my part and I have learned better skills now. But it still stings...
I don't understand how H could leave home with the realization that he was a bad father and husband and not try to do anything about it in the last 9 months! Just running/reacting to the pain? Not for our M, but he could at least have worked on the being a bad father part. Instead he's isolated himself even further from the kids. That's hard for me to comprehend.
I have a referral for a neutral therapist that seems pro marriage I'd like to proceed with. When I called a couple weeks ago he was booked out 4 weeks. So I'll have time to continue to show positive changes. Maybe should expose him to the family a little more? D17 bday is in a couple weeks and I was thinking we'd probably celebrate together that night.
I feel like I'm at the very beginning of the marathon. And what I thought was me running the marathon for the past 9 months has only been training.
