Turtle, just because you want to be prepared does not mean you think divorce is down the line. There is nothing wrong with knowing exactly where you can stand and I think that it takes away part of the fear, knowing the unknown.
H asked at the beginning if I had seen a lawyer and I said yes. He was not happy. I explained that for twenty years, I had essentially been a stay at home mom, with basically no assets in my name. I had to know where I stood and where the children stood. No apologies. It was to familiarize myself with all aspects since I had never entertained this before. He came around eventually when he saw that I wasn't out to screw him lol.
I was just simply informing myself. Knowledge is power. Not over someone but for yourself. When you know all the facets it takes away the fear.
PoN, I'm going to be a bit defensive about your remark, "Are you ready yet?" b/c I have been working on myself since BEFORE (last SPring) first BD-180s that have been noticed, that have become part of the new me.
I have taken notes about H's indications of what went wrong according to him and have really made changes where possible.
I GAL w old friends, and some friends from my past I haven't seen in years, and now am starting to get out (well, once) and meet some new friends.
I guess researching D laws is helpful to me to be informed of what my rights my be should it come to this.
Tori, I think you are right about WAS's being blind to what love really is. There are definitely STAGES of love. New/Infatuation love is just that. Deep commited love is what you have when you come to accept a person for both the good and bad...and you love them even more.
When there is an OP in the picture the LBS is powerless to have influence over his/her S b/c he/she thinks they are really "in love" with this OP when it is just infatuation....not based in reality at all.
I can't compete w someone who remains "perfect" in H's eyes, b/c he has not seen her flaws, that she is imperfect and in fact, carries a good deal of negative "baggage" with her. And, she has not seen him for all who he is.
Time will tell. I just don't know if I want to wait for this to play out. I have this (new) awful feeling that H will drag this EA out for a very very long time. I thought it would become a PA by now (and yes, I am quite sure it hasn't). I can only speculate as to why they are waiting to "be together/date."
But, on some level, it just feels to me like the worst has already happened--he is "in love" and is "not willing to let his feelings change." To me a PA would only seal the deal.
BTW- His niceness continues...it really has me wondering. He even complimented me about what a good job I'm doing "all by myself" with the boys in front of them tonight. It was nice, but WEIRD to hear from him. I just said ,"thank you." Not reading into it any more than a nice comment.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I guess researching D laws is helpful to me to be informed of what my rights my be should it come to this.
I've done the same. I have not contacted a lawyer and no plans to do so at this time. My focus is on myself and ultimately for Plan A to happen. But if Plan B comes about you'll need to know your rights.
Get legal advice. Do what they suggest. I wish I did early on. Now it's a mad scramble of a mess.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
BTW- His niceness continues...it really has me wondering. He even complimented me about what a good job I'm doing "all by myself" with the boys in front of them tonight. It was nice, but WEIRD to hear from him. I just said ,"thank you." Not reading into it any more than a nice comment.
Check what you did to help me do this ;-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thanks for posting on my thread, VeryGrateful, Floydman, PoN, Tori, and 2chiquitos!
What I've found out legally (or already know): 1) I will not get any alimony (as H actually makes a little less than I do); 2) I can probably keep out house until kids are 18 w/o paying H a cent until then; 3) I can probably get physical custody of kids w/o a problem; 4) H will have to pay up to 45% of his salary for child custody (3 boys); and 5) H hasn't got a clue about what's coming down the pike if he D's me!
PoN, my negativity is vented here on this forum. I do not show this toward H at all. In fact the one things I feel I have 180ed on best is NOT saying what's always on my mind before really processing what I want to say and how I want to say it. I am proud that I can really listen to H w/o responding negatively.
Oh, H will tell me if EA turns into PA. The one thing he HAS been is brutally honest about changes w OW. To the point where I don't want to hear some of the things he's said. A PA is also a deal breaker for him (at least that is what he's said). I really don't know how a man who thinks he's in love w OW can abstain for so long.... any thoughts?
I am quite sure "the niceness" from H comes from a R talk (he initiated) in Feb when I told him that if he "cares about me so much then why does he treat me like $hit?" At the time he told me he didn't want to send me mixed messages--that he thought I might misinterpret his niceness as a change in his feelings toward me/OW. I think he is trying out this "niceness" to see what happens--to see if we can be "friends."
I don't want to be friends w H. I can be friendly but not friends. It won't help me detach...this I know about me now. Maybe down the line- IDK.
Working on finances as H has made it clear he wants to divide up finances next month. I will make it clear what we (boys & I) need to live on. I already told him 1/2 his salary would be what we need. I'm not sure he liked that! Oh, well, it's the truth. We'll see how "friendly" this stays after finances get dividdy up.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I don't want to be friends w H. I can be friendly but not friends. It won't help me detach...this I know about me now. Maybe down the line- IDK.
Hi turtle, For what it's worth, (about 2 cents) I'm on board with this.
If my wife fully bails on me, I will no longer be a friend. Not to hurt her, but to protect me. And since we have no kids, it will be quite easy to do this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
