I think if your H started loving himself more, all these troubles would go away. Send him all the love you can, and maybe he'll start loving himself.
We talked about this way back in Wendy's earlier thread(s), and she did get some success when she followed this plan. BUT, I know how tiring it can be when the love seems to be only going one way.
Also, some of the issues our spouses are dealing with can only be fixed by them.
Dig deep for patience Wendy, continue to show him love, with no expectations. In the end he just may surprise you. That's the goal anyway.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you very much, Tori and FY. It really helps to get your encouragement. I will try to send him as much love as I can and dig deep for patience. It's so great having a community here to cheer us along.
Good day with H today. I didn't see much of him but what contact we did have was relaxed and gentle. I know H melts when he sees me and the kids getting on well. This morning, S13 and D15 were in bed with me and I saw H smile as he watched us interacting.
I know that years ago when he was thinking of leaving me for OW, he faltered one day when he had just dropped me off with D15 (D6 at the time). He said that we looked so sweet together as we were walking up the street hand in hand and he just wasn't sure he could divorce himself from that. It always struck me as interesting because he could have left and still seen us together but I guess a lot less than he does by living in the same house.
H took D15 to her netball today and watched her match and is taking her to football tomorrow and watching her game. It's not really my thing and I do appreciate him doing it.
H is crazy about D15 (well, he is about all three really). D15 and I look very alike and he often tells me how stunning D15 looks. I take it as an indirect compliment. He said the other day that we have very similar figures (bums in particular), and that we are virtually indistinguishable when D15 wears my clothes. Again, it wasn't v direct but I felt pleased that D15 and I have similar bums as I'm 35 years older than she is and she is very athletic. In fact, I'm v surprised that anyone considers us to have similar figures as she is taller and slimmer but still... S17 and H both say that when one of us enters the room, they're not immediately sure of which one of us it is.
H is at his best taking the kids on outings. I think I should concentrate on his good points. Also, he would happily wake up in the middle of the night to drive them anywhere. I think I've mentioned this before. I spend so much time being critical of H that it is worth mentioning some positives. He is a bit distracted with the kids sometimes and in his own world, but I have to say that he is very gentle with them. I heard D15 ask if it was OK to pick up someone else on the way and his response was, "Of course, darling". I wouldn't have been as nice as he was about it as I prefer to be with D15 without her friends. If she brings a friend when I'm taking her somewhere, I just feel like a mini-cab driver.
I used to get really frustrated because H never answers his mobile phone when I call. I've done a 180 in that I don't phone him anymore. After all these years, I've finally accepted that phoning H is not a way to contact him. I resisted 'giving in'/accepting this for years because he started not answering his phone during his PA in 2003-04. I had bad associations with him not picking up his phone and post-A kept saying that he needed to answer his phone to reassure me. He simply doesn't do it. I'm better off texting or emailing him and he gets back to me in his own time. It's usually not crucial anyway.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Thank you very much, Tori and FY. It really helps to get your encouragement. I will try to send him as much love as I can and dig deep for patience. It's so great having a community here to cheer us along.
Oh, do I know this! Not sure where I'd be without you all.
Quote:
Good day with H today. I didn't see much of him but what contact we did have was relaxed and gentle. I know H melts when he sees me and the kids getting on well. This morning, S13 and D15 were in bed with me and I saw H smile as he watched us interacting...
He said that we looked so sweet together as we were walking up the street hand in hand and he just wasn't sure he could divorce himself from that.
His feelings on this will never die. Build on it.
Quote:
He said the other day that we have very similar figures (bums in particular), and that we are virtually indistinguishable when D15 wears my clothes. Again, it wasn't v direct but I felt pleased that D15 and I have similar bums as I'm 35 years older than she is and she is very athletic. In fact, I'm v surprised that anyone considers us to have similar figures as she is taller and slimmer but still... S17 and H both say that when one of us enters the room, they're not immediately sure of which one of us it is.
Say what? You still got it girl! Turn up the charm and let it do its magic.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
H is at his best taking the kids on outings. I think I should concentrate on his good points. Also, he would happily wake up in the middle of the night to drive them anywhere. I think I've mentioned this before. I spend so much time being critical of H that it is worth mentioning some positives.
Awesome mind set!! If we concentrate on the negatives that's what we will always see. Your a DB'ing queen.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
You said, "After all these years, I've finally accepted that phoning H is not a way to contact him."
This shows you're learning, and you're learning because you're aware of your thoughts and actions.
Awesome job!!
You know, I love that Wendy....that you accepted this. It positively reeks of looking at the things that really matter and tossing the stuff that really doesn't..wow.
