I have been trying to get my s13 (14 in nine days) to open up about his feelings regarding everything. He is very introverted and never really expresses himself which is far different from my s9. Today, something came up while we were in the car and I was trying to get my son to open up more. In learning a lot about MLC, I was thinking I didn't want him to bury his feelings regarding the sitch and in turn someday go through his own mess.
I am not sure if it was a good idea or a bad idea. My son had a major melt down. I listened a lot and asked him questions that would draw out more about how he felt. He is in so much pain...he never showed this until today. He was always been very casual, saying things like "it is what it is", and "whatever", but I knew deep down that he didn't feel that way. I even asked he if had opened up to anyone else, like his friends at school or a teacher, or a coach and he said no, he hadn't talked about it with anyone. He cried a lot, and started texting his Dad that he wanted him to come home.
I sat him down once I found out and told him that we would be fine, that things were changing, yes, but we would figure things out. He was outraged. He started to text more to h, and I "stopped" him by telling him he was angry and hurt and he should wait until at least the morning when he felt a little better. I told him he is entitled to feel how ever he wants, and that I wouldn't take that away from him. I explained that I loved him very much and so did his dad, and nothing would ever change that. I also told him that I never meant to hurt him by asking him about his feelings and that I was just trying to be a good mother to him and wanted to understand what he was going through.
He ended up saying he wanted to be alone and went to bed without eating dinner and that now he is thinking about a lot of things...
I feel horrible...and am regretting trying to get him to open up. I just don't think it is healthy for him to ignore his feelings. He even said that he doesn't believe that Dad left because he doesn't love me and that he feels it is something else and he is going to get to the bottom of it.
The children do not know about OW. Me dating, and Dad dating came up in the conversation as well. I told them that I would not lie and say it could never happen, but I wasn't doing it now. I tried to ask them how they felt about that, and got a typical answer of they would rather H and I get back together. Nothing more to this, and I left it alone.
Oh boy, I feel this conversation was long overdue with my oldest, but man, I was totally unprepared for it. And from what I can gather, when they try to have this conversation with H it just gets swept under the rug.
Could I have done better, would it have been better to ignore and leave it be? I don't think so, but my heart is breaking in a whole new way for s13.
Any advice, please, nothing in the books help you deal with the kids of an MLCer.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
