Suckerpunch stage 3

[swoop]

I thought I better start new thread, as the last one was...well...on it's last thread.

My previous: Suckerpunch shifting gears

[swoop]

Start from where we left on on the previous thread;

I think I am detached, but not too detached. I still want my wife back in my life dearly. I am just to the point that, if I stay busy and not think about my sitch, I get through the days not even worrying about it or her.

in regards to the ultimatum, it wasn't exactly that. I just asked her what if she had any plans for the future. Obviously she was intrpeting that as a R talk. I was just asking to see if she has any plans in the works for her job promotion or her living situation. Granted, it was a little bit of a loaded question, with me trying to feel her out. However, I was not pressuring or assuming of anything. There was no ultimatum.

Here is a portion of our discussion via text:

I didn't want to say this because I hate hurting you. I care about you and always will, but I feel no physical attraction to you. i haven't for a long time. I have tried to get it back. Even on all of the vacations we have been on, I wanted to feel something, but I just felt empty. I am sorry. I know that is hard to hear and I am sorry. I don't think once it has been gone so long, I can get it back. I know this isn't your fault. It is my issues that created that distance and made us lose connection

See what you think about her words?

[25yearsmlc]

Start from where we left on on the previous thread;

I think I am detached, but not too detached. I still want my wife back in my life dearly. I am just to the point that, if I stay busy and not think about my sitch, I get through the days not even worrying about it or her.

in regards to the ultimatum, it wasn't exactly that. I just asked her what if she had any plans for the future. Obviously she was intrpeting that as a R talk. I was just asking to see if she has any plans in the works for her job promotion or her living situation. Granted, it was a little bit of a loaded question, with me trying to feel her out. However, I was not pressuring or assuming of anything. There was no ultimatum.

Here is a portion of our discussion via text:

I didn't want to say this because [b]I hate hurting you. I care about you and always will, but I feel no physical attraction to you. i haven't for a long time. I have tried to get it back. Even on all of the vacations we have been on, I wanted to feel something, but I just felt empty. I am sorry. I know that is hard to hear and I am sorry. I don't think once it has been gone so long, I can get it back.

my focus would be on her not wanting to hurt (or anger) you...

But I think your focus is on this below...but I don't buy it. Sorry...if she's telling the truth which is only how she feels atm, it means a lot of her love for you was wrapped in attraction and a lot of belittling and fighting, wore it down.


I know this isn't your fault. It is my issues that created that distance and made us lose connection
[/b]
See what you think about her words?

I think she's letting you off the hook and with that ONE conversation you'll want to revise your part in things.

But you do so at your peril.

And just b/c a man/woman says they feel "x" one day and "have for a long time", does not make it true

or permanent...

in my journal, I wrote in 2005/6, = I said my m had a "10% of making it" b/c I felt so much anger and so much "dead/non existent" attraction for h,

b/c he'd hurt me so much that feeling attracted to him again was a RISK I did not want to take...

took awhile to rebuild that. A lot longer than a few months...

AND YES I do think you were talking about her moving out, which is what you said in your post, NOT the R...

but now you're revising that. So, hey, it's your life.

if you want to try DBing you have to try it for months and then longer...and as patient as YOU think you can be, has to be multiplied by 10 (or in your case by 50)...OR I don't think you are in it for the long haul

SP, you seem like a man who WANTS to be a great guy. Admirable and noble. I like that.

But you are not there yet. Wanting it and then giving up so fast, means that you have a ways to go.

Decide who you want to be and THEN decide if you're willing to do the work it takes to be a noble great guy. It does take work. If it were easy, there'd be more of them around.

I have 5 brothers. Big variety.

My oldest brother wants us to see him as being noble, brave, kind and smart...but My favorite brother IS noble and brave, kind and smart. He puts in the time.

Oldest brother left his wife and daughter in one state, for a "great job" in Washington, DC...

THEN he went off to Afghanistan and THEN he went off to Iraq, etc.

He remarried and has a 2nd d...he's still in Afghanistan so even when given a 2nd chance, he's blowing it BUT he thinks he's noble, brave, kind and smart b/c of his WORK.

Fav brother was divorced and moved 3 times to stay near his d's, b/c his xw would keep moving to make it hard on him. Fav bro gave up 2 promotions to stay near his d's...finally he remarried and he's happy but he's also close to his d's...oldest bro? barely knows his d's.

It takes sacrifice to be a real hero. It does not just happen.
Who do you want to be? How hard are you willing to work to be that guy?

[swoop]

I didn't want to say this because I hate hurting you. I care about you and always will, but I feel no physical attraction to you. i haven't for a long time. I have tried to get it back. Even on all of the vacations we have been on, I wanted to feel something, but I just felt empty. I am sorry. I know that is hard to hear and I am sorry. I don't think once it has been gone so long, I can get it back.

my focus would be on her not wanting to hurt (or anger) you...

But I think your focus is on this below...but I don't buy it. Sorry...if she's telling the truth which is only how she feels atm, it means a lot of her love for you was wrapped in attraction and a lot of belittling and fighting, wore it down.

Can you explain this a little better. What would you get from focussing on that line? Also, if a lot of her love for me was wrapped in attraction, doesn't that make my fight to get her back even harder? How can I regain that attraction?

I know this isn't your fault. It is my issues that created that distance and made us lose connection

I think she's letting you off the hook and with that ONE conversation you'll want to revise your part in things. But you do so at your peril.

you totally lost me here. Revise my part how? And how do I avoid peril? I don't get your meaning here

SP, you seem like a man who WANTS to be a great guy. Admirable and noble. I like that.

But you are not there yet. Wanting it and then giving up so fast, means that you have a ways to go.

I DO want to be a great guy. I do want to put the work in. I haven't given up on myself, and I haven't given up on my love for my wife. I just detached, I guess. It took a while, but things don't effect me as much as they previously did. But rest assured, all my hopes and wish stay the same.

[reb9597]

25 I always get so much out of your posts. Thank you. It truly is about being who you want to be. I'm taking that to heart. My H also has a hero job and really gets off of the image of being noble and honorable. I appreciate what you write about your brothers.

SP, I understand your frustration with limbo. I'm usually one who makes things happen like yesterday. But one of the (few) things I feel good about in this sitch is that I've not pushed WAH to make any direct decisions. Honestly, a lot of days it feels like I'm at his mercy, but then the other days it feels like I'm being cautious and pragmatic. Putting her on the spot about anything may feel like forcing her hand to make a decision. Sorry you had to hear those harsh words from her. But I think it's a good thing that she's willing to be open and communicate. I don't get anything from my WAH so, as 25 would say, that's progress.

[swoop]

I had lunch this afternoon to discuss W's living situation and hopefully put her at ease. I assured her that I was not going to chase her off with a torch and an angry mobb in the middle of the night. We had nice conversation, very friendly like.

During our conversation the topic of "dating" came up. We started off light hearted and jokingly, but then I asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said NO. Then I asked her if she has been talking to anyone. She turned BEET RED and a vein stuck out in the middle of her forehead. She replied that she has been talking with someone, but only just rececently. I played it off by saying, "no big deal. If we are going to continue as friends we should be sharing". She did not wish to hear if I had been talking or dating, but did ask about a girl she say posting on my FB. She stalked her page, so I know she was searching for information about a possible OW. There isn't one. Anyway, we ended lunch on a good note and went about our business.

Later in the afternoon She started "the texts". Her first one went like this:

So I am curious. At this point of where we are at, are you ok with me dating?

My reply:

Sure...I mean if you think that is what you want to do. I mean, you know how I feel in regards to giving us time to heal and build a new relationship....but I'm supportive of whatever you think is best for you and (Daughter.

I would like us to be open about it. I would prefer it not to be a secret that I find out about by word of mouth. I would like to hear it from you. I will show you the same respect...and I want to be clear that there would be no other opertunitues for our marriage and our realtionship would have to change.

As soon as i sent this reply, I realized I gave her an ultimatum. Probably not the way I should have worded it, but it is the way I feel. We went back and forth reitterating pretty much the same messages. I told her over and over again that I supported whatever she thought was the best for her and D. We jokes a few times about giving each other dating advice. At one point she said, "It is really weird to have you affirm my feelings. I am not used to it. It seems scripted
I joking said, thats because I am reading it from a self help book, silly! She laughed and said she was sorry. it just isn't something she is used to. the conversation closed about some D stuff. She is doing terrible in school and really struggling. We are talking about putting her into counseling. Wife now sees that this separation is affecting her, but still will not acknowledge to what degree.

[swoop]

I'm kind of worried that my battle may soon be over. She is obviously searching for greener grass at this point. She hasn't even hiccuped in her conviction to move on. She has been diligent since day one that she was DONE. Now, I have thought and thought about how I would handle an affair. I just don't think my heart is strong enough to get passed something like that. I will have been far too damaged from all of this. I think I would have to let go. I guess time will tell.

[littleGTO]

Hi, SP,
I am somewhere near where you are...I feel myself fighting a losing battle w M. The fight for myself is starting to win me back.

My H, too, has been moving in the same direction since BD--away from me & our M, toward OW. He is in a long-term EA, but I've been convinced that if it turns physical, we are done.

But, you are right, time will tell. One day at a time!

[swoop]

One day at a time, GTO...that's all we have.

[stilllookingup]

I didn't want to say this because I hate hurting you. I care about you and always will, but I feel no physical attraction to you. i haven't for a long time. I have tried to get it back. Even on all of the vacations we have been on, I wanted to feel something, but I just felt empty. I am sorry. I know that is hard to hear and I am sorry. I don't think once it has been gone so long, I can get it back. I know this isn't your fault. It is my issues that created that distance and made us lose connection

Question. Do you still hug/touch her when you see her? I ask this because detachment and some 180 didn't work on my H at all. I too think he was emotionally leaving me because of lack of physical affection on my part. Soon after BD I implemented 180. I tried to be mysterious about where I was, I often came home little later than usual, didn't talk to him much, didn't touch him, didn't hug/kiss him. It seemed to be working at first because I thought he was curious.

After a couple of months though I felt he was slipping away. I even told my coach that I felt he was. Since I mentioned my fear of touching him to my coach, he suggested that I would do a little more drastic action to get over my fear. I told him we have a great height difference so he told me to take out a step stool, hop on it and give him a hug/kiss next time he helped me with cooking etc. Considering the situation we were in, I thought it was silly but that made sense. That same day, I asked my H to teach me how to use a tool I've never used before and he gave me a hands-on instructions on how to use it. On his way out I so wanted to pull out a small step stool and do what the coach suggested but I couldn't. I did though gathered all my guts and reached for a hug to thank him for teaching me. It was very light but he hugged me back.

His beloved grandpa passed away in Feb and I was reminded again how precious life and time are. Around the same time I started getting up every morning before H would leave the house for work, waited on the couch for him to get ready and hopped on the couch near the front door to give him a hug. He hugged me back tight every single time. Now this seems like a total 180 of 180 but it says in the book "If something is not working, it's not working" and I really believe a total detachment in my case did not work at all because what my H missed in our m was my affection.

Every WAS is different but now you know the real reason why she left, maybe you can validate that again and start giving him a friendly hug or something. Or when she does something really small and nice thing, you can thank her by giving her a hug? (It could even be coming to your bd party or picking up your D instead of you etc) I've been really amazed at what a hug a day can do. The last time we hugged, I felt he was not letting me go when I was ready to pull away.

Just thought I'd share..