Suckerpunch stage 3

[25yearsmlc]

Start from where we left on on the previous thread;

I think I am detached, but not too detached. I still want my wife back in my life dearly. I am just to the point that, if I stay busy and not think about my sitch, I get through the days not even worrying about it or her.

in regards to the ultimatum, it wasn't exactly that. I just asked her what if she had any plans for the future. Obviously she was intrpeting that as a R talk. I was just asking to see if she has any plans in the works for her job promotion or her living situation. Granted, it was a little bit of a loaded question, with me trying to feel her out. However, I was not pressuring or assuming of anything. There was no ultimatum.

Here is a portion of our discussion via text:

I didn't want to say this because [b]I hate hurting you. I care about you and always will, but I feel no physical attraction to you. i haven't for a long time. I have tried to get it back. Even on all of the vacations we have been on, I wanted to feel something, but I just felt empty. I am sorry. I know that is hard to hear and I am sorry. I don't think once it has been gone so long, I can get it back.

my focus would be on her not wanting to hurt (or anger) you...

But I think your focus is on this below...but I don't buy it. Sorry...if she's telling the truth which is only how she feels atm, it means a lot of her love for you was wrapped in attraction and a lot of belittling and fighting, wore it down.


I know this isn't your fault. It is my issues that created that distance and made us lose connection
[/b]
See what you think about her words?

I think she's letting you off the hook and with that ONE conversation you'll want to revise your part in things.

But you do so at your peril.

And just b/c a man/woman says they feel "x" one day and "have for a long time", does not make it true

or permanent...

in my journal, I wrote in 2005/6, = I said my m had a "10% of making it" b/c I felt so much anger and so much "dead/non existent" attraction for h,

b/c he'd hurt me so much that feeling attracted to him again was a RISK I did not want to take...

took awhile to rebuild that. A lot longer than a few months...

AND YES I do think you were talking about her moving out, which is what you said in your post, NOT the R...

but now you're revising that. So, hey, it's your life.

if you want to try DBing you have to try it for months and then longer...and as patient as YOU think you can be, has to be multiplied by 10 (or in your case by 50)...OR I don't think you are in it for the long haul

SP, you seem like a man who WANTS to be a great guy. Admirable and noble. I like that.

But you are not there yet. Wanting it and then giving up so fast, means that you have a ways to go.

Decide who you want to be and THEN decide if you're willing to do the work it takes to be a noble great guy. It does take work. If it were easy, there'd be more of them around.

I have 5 brothers. Big variety.

My oldest brother wants us to see him as being noble, brave, kind and smart...but My favorite brother IS noble and brave, kind and smart. He puts in the time.

Oldest brother left his wife and daughter in one state, for a "great job" in Washington, DC...

THEN he went off to Afghanistan and THEN he went off to Iraq, etc.

He remarried and has a 2nd d...he's still in Afghanistan so even when given a 2nd chance, he's blowing it BUT he thinks he's noble, brave, kind and smart b/c of his WORK.

Fav brother was divorced and moved 3 times to stay near his d's, b/c his xw would keep moving to make it hard on him. Fav bro gave up 2 promotions to stay near his d's...finally he remarried and he's happy but he's also close to his d's...oldest bro? barely knows his d's.

It takes sacrifice to be a real hero. It does not just happen.
Who do you want to be? How hard are you willing to work to be that guy?