Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[sandi2]

I think Mr. Bond's point re anger and passion is important, as it is a real 180 for me.

Do you recall in my early posts to you saying that your W was STARVED for passion from you? I told you this after she said she wanted you to fight with her.

But let me quickly add, passion and anger is not the same thing. It doesn't mean the two go hand in hand. Passion is a wonderful characteristic of feeling alive. Imagine any artist trying to create without passion!

I agree with Advina, I don't like seeing anger displayed in any type of violence, and throwing or hitting things b/c one is mad, seems very childish. So, I just want you to understand that I'm not talking about screaming, pounding your fists against the wall, or any like manner.

I don't know if I ever said this....or thought about saying it, but when I read your posts, in my mind I see you acting like a very refined Englishman. So refined that his W is bored out of her mind!!!!!! (No offense intended toward the refined, British. I should have said, based on what has been portrayed on the screen.)

I don't mean to be crude by what I'm going to say here, but if your conversation, demeanor, connection, manner of behaving (so to speak), touch, etc., with your W while you were within the bedroom was much of the same as you seem outside the bedroom, then that could be part of the reason your W has lost interest in keeping you in there.

Of course, I'm not implying that you turn into some vulgar, angry, brute. But if she is ever going to see an attractive, manly, vivacious, sexy, male who wants to make passionate love......it should be in the master bedroom. Maybe you can relate to passion in sex. Without passion, sex is just going through the motions.

Life should be filled with happy, bursts of surprises. That is one way to keep the MR fresh & interesting. (Gosh, that sounds like something right out of a cheesy marriage manual. But I don’t take it back.) I think it’s wonderful that you can afford so many expensive trips you’ve offered your W over the years. But what if you didn’t have the finances to give a trip for a birthday present? Could your imagination be used in creating one of her best times in her life? Could you do that without inviting other people to it? Could you do it without cooking for her? Could you do it without spending any money whatsoever? Because these are what you’ve used before………trips, money, guests, and cooking. Think about it. What could you do that would be out of the ordinary for Luke?

She wants to see something stir you up, Luke. She’s treated you badly, trying to see if she can stir you. She’s bored with you, so what can you do about that? (And please, don’t suggest another trip for her. ) What can you do to show her that ole Luke is not a bump on a log that she can ignore so easily? We’ve been suggesting ways to respond when she’s out of line. But I want you to go even farther (imaginatively, anyway) and think on how you can recharge your daily encounter with her. First, you have to energize your personality. Not necessarily just in responses to her bad remarks, and not even trying to think of new conversational topics. Do something crazy, fun, untypical, illogical, unplanned, and unscheduled. Instead of having the mindset of completely changing the way you’ve always been……think of it as adding to who you are.

I often sound as if I don’t like anything about you, but that’s not the case. As much as we can know anyone here on the board, you have many qualities I admire. I feel your self-esteem has taken a terrible beating in your past, and as a result, you are not all you could be as a man. You steadily withdrew from personal R’s and settled….and adapted to loneliness until you’ve tried to convince yourself you are comfortable. One thing I’ve seen from those who’ve been with you while posting is that even if the M does not make it, we all want you to be happier. Not a life filled with excuses for others, and with no friends or loved ones around you.

I’ve read your posts on other members’ threads, and you are a very caring man. Your compassion and encouragement shows in those posts to newcomers. They would never suspect how alone you really are. I think you could use that compassion, talent, and education to help a lot of people. Perhaps you already have and you just have not revealed that information to us.

I believe you have a lot to offer and that your W is lucky to have you. Once you believe it yourself, then you’re more likely to convince her. In the meantime, I'll probably be around here to tell you the ugly truth about some of us females. So with that, let me leave you with a few more tidbits. Strong women or passive women, it makes no difference, it's her man that brings out the best in her.....and the worst. If she has to deal with a man who is passive, immature, weak, or who fails to lead his children..... (or any other unrespected qualities she needs in a husband), then she will step in as the authority over him and everything in their marriage. She has the final say over everything that concerns them. As this happens, she loses more & more respect and attraction for him b/c he won't do anything about it. The respect is gone. The lack of respect kills the attraction. They may abide under the same roof, but the M is dead.