Iv'e been reading what I have written here and it really helps me get a better picture of the progression of things over the last few months. It has allowed me to see changes in how I feel and react. It also has helped me see changes in my wife.
Back on Feb 18, I wrote about my wife avoiding conflict. Just this past week, she opened up about how she has always avoided conflict or confrontations. She said she doesn't know why she does this. I am figuring it must be at least partly because of growing up in a family that ended up torn apart. She has told me she has no faith in marriage. I don't know if that is a new sentiment or if she has always felt that way or at least has had her doubts.
One thing that she told me was that any time we had an argument, she was profoundly affected by it. She was convinced it was the end of us. I would always go to her to reconcile. She would never come to me. I always took it as her pride that prevented her from doing it, but I now believe she was feeling scared, alone, and unsure of my love for her.
She told me she doesn't know where this comes from. She said she agreed to marry me because she felt safe and secure with me. That I would love her forever.
She has opened up and talked about herself like she has never done before. The unfortunate thing is that it took this crisis for it to happen. It also is pretty scary, because although she is talking, I don't get the feeling that this is any indication that she will choose us.
I am in love with a girl who questions my love for her. She questions the foundation of our marriage.
It seems easy to understand how a wife should handle a husband who is a WAS. She gives space and waits for him to pursue her. It is traditionally the man who pursues. That is how he shows desire for the woman. How do I show my wife the love I have for her, continuing to "pursue" yet NOT do damage? This is confusing to me.
She has told me many times she would never pursue a man or even offer her number to them if she was interested (before we met). She always let them do all the work. She would respond. It was a test. If he wanted her he would show it. I feel I need to show it, but not push.
Don't remember how this came up, but I made mention to her this past week that I found her very attractive sexually. That it was almost impossible for me to keep my hands off of her. That she "does" it for me. She always has and always will. She didn't say anything, but gave me a smile. It seemed to be something she liked hearing.
The past three weeks I have been home, she has worn her ring the whole time. That seems back to normal.
