Sitch is progressing along in neutral. I'm staying friendly detached meaning being nice at all times, listening and validating her when she initiates conversation and not really initiating anything myself, staying emotionally stable around her at all times and not letting her even see the buttons to push them, inviting her to some stuff with me and kids, and doing a lot of my own thing (solo and w/ kids). Results with this seem more positive because she's initiating a few more small talks and is acting more friendly overall. Last 2 nights she's actually snuggled up against me in bed while sleeping (literally only contact in weeks).
With that yesterday I had a down day and had a tough time shaking it. No fight or anything in regards to W, just one of the down days in the process that we all have to go through. It wasn't the sharp pain I used to get, just kind of an uneasy feeling all day with thoughts drifting towards sitch. I usually don't post this type of thing because today I'm fine and no damage was done to sitch. I'm guessing most people didn't even know I was down since I've become such a good actor. Reason I'm posting is because a lot of people seem to think something is wrong with them because they have bad days/ thoughts of sitch and can't just detach. It's perfectly normal to have that type of day and probably healthy in the grieving process. Just have to fight through it, don't do anything stupid (i.e. keep your trap shut), and lean on friends to help you.
I did think about triggers for why it happened and my guess is her snuggling me that night while sleeping (yes I miss contact) and the anxiety I'm feeling with S4's B-day party this weekend. In past I would have got stuck in my emotions but yesterday I just accepted that they were there and weren't going anywhere so I just dealt with them and tried to figure out the cause.
Seems like every week or two another layer is peeled away from me (i.e. what is love, obligation, trust, act vs. react, abandonment/ no dad, etc...). This week I've started the work on likely the mack daddy of all my layers, control. I touched on it earlier in my sitch regarding my interactions with W but now getting into more of the why I feel need to control and fear associated with losing it. Pretty deep stuff. Will post on it more in coming weeks as I work through it. Don't think this will be a quick or easy one to work through...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
