During the first BD she was "done" and did not ask me to stop, but I decided then that I was "done" as well (with drinking). After that a couple of friends held me accountable by asking me regularly, to my face, if I was partaking in any of that. They realized that once I moved into my own place it would be really easy to hide. Those people don't ask me anymore, not out of laziness or complacency or because they don't care, but because they know me.
I won't be drinking again.
There is no upside in it for me and the risks are too great on what is a very slippery slope for me. Really, I see it as the decision of whether to drink or not has already been made and I'm just living it out. I am definitely not 'not drinking' because of W or to try and win her back. That is small and fake and selfish and stupid and doesn't help me be who I want to be.
Originally Posted By: labug
Can you have empathy for where she is right now?
Yes ma'am. I am naturally empathetic, instinctually putting the feelings of others above my own. This is intensified for the people I allow inside the perimeter of my circle of trust. Now anyone can say that, and I don't need to prove anything, but perhaps this example will help demonstrate that.
A year ago when I was sure things between W and me were over and OM was working things out with his W and family, I realized how bad it made ME feel that I thought my wife was getting her heart broken again, even if it was from OM. It seems like such a screwed up emotion to have...it would seem that should be what I WANT, but it didn't feel good at all. I just felt bad for her and it hurt my own heart to know she was hurting in this fashion.
That's just an example, but I am certainly carrying the weight of her pain around as well. I put that on myself, maybe too much, but it's definitely there.
Originally Posted By: labug
Only you know where your line is. But don't set boundaries or give ultimatums for the purpose of changing her behavior. That's not what boundaries are for.
I completely agree. This isn't to manipulate the situation at all.
Originally Posted By: labug
Is she in IC or a 12-Step group?
No ma'am.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
