journal: Had my divorce group last night. It's amazing how your mindset changes when trying to DB. And how much unforgiveness there is in the world and in marriages. I want to have calmness and forgiveness and I think it can be achieved most days but it takes a lot of work! And it's disappointing sometimes to feel that if I let up on it for one minute it easily slips away.
Had some concerning medical news yesterday. I don't think it'll turn into anything major, but have to go have an ultrasound and consult with another specialist. Of course the one person I wanted to call was H and couldn't. What I want from a conversation with him I wouldn't get so I feel it's best not to go there. I feel it'd be an exchange of facts and general concern but I guess I really just want sympathy and support and a hug from him which would equal guilt and pressure. If it turns into anything I will share for the sake of the kids. But it makes me think of the future and growing older without H and it's scary. And I feel the need to rush through all things medical related while I'm still on his insurance. And I broke down in front of my kids and they're not very sympathetic, say I'm overreacting which I probably was but it stings.
With my pursuing friendliness campaign the last few weeks the kids have softened on seeing/interacting with him. And I'm back in the role of being the enforcer, the parent that gets snapped at for reminding kids to do this or that. While dad will spare 2-3 hours a week for dinner or a movie. For D15, he's bribing her with a new pet that I'm against so, naturally I'm in the position of being the bad guy. With D17 he's enticing her with a new laptop. Kind of stole my thunder in the laptop department because I've already looked at them with D17 and we were doing that for her birthday next month. But... if he's willing to pay for it... I'll make other plans and he takes credit for the extravagant gift.
I don't think I have spite for his bribery because I don't feel that it's intentional, he's just reaching out to kids and doesn't know how to have relationship without offering them things. But it warps the girls' attitudes and that upsets me. Creates negative energy in my house and I have a hard time not reacting to it.
Small things: H damaged new iphone he only had for 2 weeks... and didn't have ins. I made a couple suggestions but didn't call or do anything to help him get another. Normally I would have gone into 'fix it' mode and would have had the damn thing replaced by the end of the day. And I didn't bat an eye when he said he was just going to go pay full retail price for a new one ($650+!!). I just expressed sympathy and said 'hope that works out for you'. Sounds minor but it's a big deal in the control department.
I think I'm feeling a little burned out in general. I feel I'm just trying to get by instead of taking charge of my own destiny. In the back corners of my heart I worry that the new life I'm creating isn't enough... but it's a vast improvement on my married life, I can see that. The email I sent H almost two weeks ago? He acknowledged receiving it but never made a reply. I'm feeling hurt about that. And I made a misstep in mentioning counseling with him. Nothing I can do about it now, just add it to the regret pile.
Goal for today - get PMA geared up for the busy weekend. Db coach next week, looking forward to that.
