Feeling so anxious this morning. H has been working on our taxes and I've been waiting for the results to do D17 college financing. So he texted me the numbers last night and I suspect something isn't right. A deduction is missing, something. Our combined income was 3k lower than last year, but adjusted income is 5k higher? It just goes back to all my hyper controlling tendencies and the dynamic of our relationship for me to have to point that out. But what am supposed to do? File incorrect taxes? So I texted back 'Thank you for doing that. I still need to get the exact car registration numbers for you. Do you want to review together before filing? Last year taxable income was 5k lower. Just not as much interest on house I guess?' I don't know how he'll read it, but it feels like 'what the hell did you screw up this time' and I really don't mean it that way! Is there any other way I could have handled this?
Reb...control is my issue to...what a touchy topic to try to handle at this time...
H I think did our taxes but he had not told me that, and I think he changed the password to our account too...
Am I this bad of a person...NO! I know that I would not do anything to our finances that would hurt us both, is H in a 'fog' like others suggest...yes...he only sees the bad at this time.
Even if he relooks at the taxes maybe thank him for taking the extra time and give him full credit for finding the mistake as much as you can...try to let him control the conversation on the taxes to most you can. Hard one to deal with wish I had better advice for you...
Feeling so anxious this morning. H has been working on our taxes and I've been waiting for the results to do D17 college financing. So he texted me the numbers last night and I suspect something isn't right. A deduction is missing, something. Our combined income was 3k lower than last year, but adjusted income is 5k higher? It just goes back to all my hyper controlling tendencies and the dynamic of our relationship for me to have to point that out. But what am supposed to do? File incorrect taxes? So I texted back 'Thank you for doing that. I still need to get the exact car registration numbers for you. Do you want to review together before filing? Last year taxable income was 5k lower. Just not as much interest on house I guess?' I don't know how he'll read it, but it feels like 'what the hell did you screw up this time' and I really don't mean it that way! Is there any other way I could have handled this?
So what's the worst that could happen if you file incorrectly?
It wouldn't be the end of the world. I know, it feels like that but it wouldn't.
I've walked in your shoes, I feel your pain. I would have done the same, rolled my eyes, thought 'same shite, different day, here let ME fix it AGAIN.' And then been p!ssed and resentful.
Doesn't show a lot of respect for our Hs, does it? What are the chances he might have discovered the error before filing? You'll never know now. Might he have said at some point, do you want to look these over before they're submitted?
I'm not saying your wrong for asking the question but if you needed do that and feel it was the right thing, don't second-guess yourself.
Our controlling is usually driven by our fears. When we take an in-depth look at our fears, it's often possible to tame them. I usually go with the "What's the worst that could happen?" question and follow each scenario to its conclusion. It's usually not as catastrophic as my lizard brain would like me to believe. Don't know if you're read my thread but money has been a huge trigger for me because if I didn't control it to the penny, I was sure to end up 'in the poor house.' (there haven't been poor houses in a century, so the chances were nil of that happening). You can't learn to trust that things will work out until you give it a chance to work out.
Face your fears, that will help you with this day-to-day stuff.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So I texted back 'Thank you for doing that. I still need to get the exact car registration numbers for you. Do you want to review together before filing? Last year taxable income was 5k lower. Just not as much interest on house I guess?' I don't know how he'll read it, but it feels like 'what the hell did you screw up this time' and I really don't mean it that way! Is there any other way I could have handled this?
I don't think it reads in a negative way at all, I think you handled it just fine.
littleGTO, my girls are older so it's a lot easier as far as getting through the day to day stuff. They take care of themselves in most ways. It's a lot harder in making some big decisions about college and the future. Being in limbo and having no security in my own future is really adding stress to this time. I think a kid graduating from high school is stressful under the best circumstances. I appreciate your take on db not a gamble in saving M. I get caught up in the efforts of 'trying to save M' but everyone here is right - there's nothing to save. That makes me feel desperate. It's how I react to those feelings that makes me the new me and it's an uphill climb.
azguy, I don't know how to show S we changed either. In most regards it's in normal interactions and I think that's more easy. The big decisions feel like a real test and I really question myself in that regard. I think, at your stage, you can only be a devoted father and best person you can be. Really putting time into your relationships with the ones you love, as opposed to being a workaholic like before, would be a noticeable difference.
labug, what's the worst that can happen? I'm going try to remember that when I feel the stress monster nipping at my heals. I really worry about showing my changes and best self, it's just so new I'm still insecure about it. Vicious cycle. The more insecure I feel about showing my changes, the more nervous I get, the more stressed out I feel from being nervous. I think I had to question his results, he has made some very disrespectful financial decisions without me that I resent. I'm at the place where I'll need to start getting smart and protecting myself, but want to be the 180 of my controlling past me - makes every step feel unstable.
AS, you don't think it's negative? Thank you so much. It's hard to look objectively at your own situation. I realized reading your threads last night that our timelines are similar. But you seem to offer a very strong and controlled pov.
journaling: I woke up, read the text from H about taxes, D15 is getting over being sick & trying to avoid going to school but I made her go anyways because she's doing state testing this week, really stressing about D17 college and her boyfriend... lots of things going on.
SO here's the good stuff - I am able to recognize my stress and attempt to stop the reacting to it. The previous me would have reacted to the stress and fed the stress and been in a fit all day long. The stress would have compiled and effected all other aspects of my day and relationships. Feeling that stress and recognizing it, I tried to stay very even and loving with D15, as I kicked her butt out the door to school.
Here's where I get mixed up - because the old me would have called H and dumped on him (so I dump here instead? ). And I would have felt better afterwards and I'm assuming he would have felt worse? I don't know, he never complained and gave the impression and support that we were a team in making decisions together. So going forward, I want to be able to handle this stuff on my own without needing that affirmation from the one I love. But then on the other hand, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Mutual support? I feel like my previous reactions were wrong and I guess I don't understand why. And I really need that support again to make decisions re: D17 and now I'm afraid to ask him. Just worry stuff. Worry worry worry. We had a plan for D17 college, and our plan could still be realized if he were here. So it's really hard not to be bitter. Especially because I'm trying to be all calm about this mess but it's really against my nature. But the obvious concern is, we haven't come up with a new plan! I hinted that we needed to come up with something when I met with the college advisor yesterday, he just said he'll take care of it. But how can he take care of it if he doesn't know the score and he is so uninvolved with our family now? I'm taking on all this stress alone, but really I can't do anything about it myself so it's my choice to accept the stress or put it aside for now. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do that yet...
Then here's something else I've been thinking about for awhile. The fog... the WAH that leaves and may wake up but probably won't. I understand the part about moving on and GALing facing the distinct probability that this is my new future. But the part of me that wants to wait for him? I think, wouldn't I want him to wait for me? Maybe it's okay to move on and GAL but there will always be a part of my heart connected to H. And I don't want our old R back and there would have to be significant changes, I know how unlikely it is. And I also can see how many spouses described are destructive or abusive and that would change ones heart forever. I'm not there yet but it feels terribly romantic and foolish to not be moving on. Especially when every step I take in my current reality is making me question my footing.
So I guess me today is just feeling unsure. How can I feel more secure, positive steps? umm, don't know. Speaking to db coach next week, need to try to reengage with D17, she's been flipping me sh*t and but some of it is actually warranted because all my worry isn't going to change the results. I'm learning I need to accept things I don't like even about my kids but I don't have H to bounce stuff off of when it's regarding our own kids and my friends are sick to death of me being needy. And I don't want their opinion anyways, I want H's! Okay... spiraling downward... the best I can do for today is to try to stay in the moment and not worry about things too far in the future (which seems so much like avoiding reality). I'm trying it for today.
Sorry this isn't very productive today. Feel like my brain is on overdrive and has just vomited all over the keyboard. Oh well, hope everyone else has a better day. With lots of PMA.
I'm bad with the mind reading and assuming I know what H thinks - but why isn't a LBS supposed to do that? Because nothing is concrete until you hear it from WAH? That's part of believe none of what they say & 1/2 of what their actions. But how does a LBS not mind read and wait to hear it from WAH if he/she is a liar? And intentionally doesn't tell the truth? Or talk to you at all? Are we just supposed to wait until the D papers show up in the mail? I'm actually really wanting to know the answer if anyone can guess. Or maybe the whole no mind reading is supposed to just keep LBS from thinking about WAH motivation at all & stay focused on us. Ahhh, that's probably it.
What would knowing his motivations or what he's thinking help you? You know for certain that right now he doesn't want to be in a marriage and as painful as that is, that's your reality. So think about who you want to be, what you want your life to look like and start moving toward that. It won't happen today or next week, maybe not even next month but continuing to move forward will get you through each day. Try a new hobby, learn something new, volunteer.
What was the plan about your D's college and why has that changed now? What is your D's plan?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"The stress would have compiled and effected all other aspects of my day and relationships. Feeling that stress and recognizing it, I tried to stay very even and loving with D15, as I kicked her butt out the door to school. "
Know that feeling. Working on the same approach myself. It's cool to recognize your emotions and just, sort of watch them rather than let them control you.
"So going forward, I want to be able to handle this stuff on my own without needing that affirmation from the one I love. But then on the other hand, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Mutual support?"
Normal R's are. As my DB coach points out, we are not at that stage. We want to get to that stage, but to do so we have to show our spouse that we can connect with them in positive ways. The goal is to get to a point where you know he'll be there for you and you really feel comfortable dumping on him.
As to whether "dumping" on someone is okay in a more stable R, I think that's complex and depends on details. A spouse often feels good if they can support their significant other, but their has to be a connection, not just a feeling of being used as a punching bag, so to speak.
Did you say you're talking to a DB coach soon? I think this is a very good area to get advice specific to your sitch. If I remember right, you're talking to Jody. She's been great for me in giving practical advice and techniques to view where I am trying to get to.
"Maybe it's okay to move on and GAL but there will always be a part of my heart connected to H. "
You can GAL without moving on. That's what I'm working on. They're two different things. You need to GAL no matter what. What do you enjoy doing every day? At some point I may decide I want to move on. Different topic, though.
"I'm not there yet but it feels terribly romantic and foolish to not be moving on. "
Me too. I do not tell anyone I'm waiting for XW to change her mind, because I realize how delusional it sounds. I've reconciled myself with the fact that I might ver well be foolish, and it's a long shot. It's what I want to do, given how I still feel about my XW. If you're at that spot, I hope you have the resolve to fit with your desire.
"I don't have H to bounce stuff off of when it's regarding our own kids and my friends are sick to death of me being needy."
Not sure how you can address this, but I'd say it's important to do so. You don't want to just get H back, just so you can gripe to him.
Glad you are griping on here though, and wishing your strength to stick with it. Sounds like you're really working hard at it.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Normal R's are. As my DB coach points out, we are not at that stage. We want to get to that stage, but to do so we have to show our spouse that we can connect with them in positive ways. The goal is to get to a point where you know he'll be there for you and you really feel comfortable dumping on him.
As to whether "dumping" on someone is okay in a more stable R, I think that's complex and depends on details. A spouse often feels good if they can support their significant other, but there has to be a connection, not just a feeling of being used as a punching bag, so to speak.
I learn so much here. Thanks. I felt like if it didn't work before it was obviously 'wrong' and needed to be done differently. My R was just unhealthy and needed to be better. 'Dumping' I refer to the moments when I want to call H and complain about the kids or work or whatever. Mostly about the kids. And tell kid stuff too. I really miss that connection because no one is invested in your kids like their other parent. Like I dropped D15 off for school orchestra overnight trip last weekend and she forgot her instrument and I had to race home and get it & return to school and the busses were waiting - I wanted to call H really bad then just to vent. And laugh about it after. Oh well.
labug, my D will have to take student loans for a small part of her schooling. She always knew that. And she has secured some sizeable scholarships. But her dad and I guaranteed her a certain amount per year. We weren't proactive with saving for their college because he has a very flexible job and a second income that was our vacation/fun money and our agreement was that we'd siphon that money to daughter's college and we really wouldn't have felt it in our day to day living. Not. Too. Smart. But regardless, there were vehicles to pay off and D17 car to buy & blah blah blah. That was the plan starting 2013.
Now he obviously needs that income to live since we are in two households. No more money for D17. And on top of that, he's been living with a friend for the past 8+ months and hasn't even had a reality check about how much it will truly cost to live a separate life. So we'll have to make other arrangements as many parents have, but we haven't been communicating that freely. And the truth is, I've been saving enough to pay for her first year, but am now having to save that money for a divorce lawyer instead. Lots to worry about right now.
journal: Had my divorce group last night. It's amazing how your mindset changes when trying to DB. And how much unforgiveness there is in the world and in marriages. I want to have calmness and forgiveness and I think it can be achieved most days but it takes a lot of work! And it's disappointing sometimes to feel that if I let up on it for one minute it easily slips away.
Had some concerning medical news yesterday. I don't think it'll turn into anything major, but have to go have an ultrasound and consult with another specialist. Of course the one person I wanted to call was H and couldn't. What I want from a conversation with him I wouldn't get so I feel it's best not to go there. I feel it'd be an exchange of facts and general concern but I guess I really just want sympathy and support and a hug from him which would equal guilt and pressure. If it turns into anything I will share for the sake of the kids. But it makes me think of the future and growing older without H and it's scary. And I feel the need to rush through all things medical related while I'm still on his insurance. And I broke down in front of my kids and they're not very sympathetic, say I'm overreacting which I probably was but it stings.
With my pursuing friendliness campaign the last few weeks the kids have softened on seeing/interacting with him. And I'm back in the role of being the enforcer, the parent that gets snapped at for reminding kids to do this or that. While dad will spare 2-3 hours a week for dinner or a movie. For D15, he's bribing her with a new pet that I'm against so, naturally I'm in the position of being the bad guy. With D17 he's enticing her with a new laptop. Kind of stole my thunder in the laptop department because I've already looked at them with D17 and we were doing that for her birthday next month. But... if he's willing to pay for it... I'll make other plans and he takes credit for the extravagant gift.
I don't think I have spite for his bribery because I don't feel that it's intentional, he's just reaching out to kids and doesn't know how to have relationship without offering them things. But it warps the girls' attitudes and that upsets me. Creates negative energy in my house and I have a hard time not reacting to it.
Small things: H damaged new iphone he only had for 2 weeks... and didn't have ins. I made a couple suggestions but didn't call or do anything to help him get another. Normally I would have gone into 'fix it' mode and would have had the damn thing replaced by the end of the day. And I didn't bat an eye when he said he was just going to go pay full retail price for a new one ($650+!!). I just expressed sympathy and said 'hope that works out for you'. Sounds minor but it's a big deal in the control department.
I think I'm feeling a little burned out in general. I feel I'm just trying to get by instead of taking charge of my own destiny. In the back corners of my heart I worry that the new life I'm creating isn't enough... but it's a vast improvement on my married life, I can see that. The email I sent H almost two weeks ago? He acknowledged receiving it but never made a reply. I'm feeling hurt about that. And I made a misstep in mentioning counseling with him. Nothing I can do about it now, just add it to the regret pile.
Goal for today - get PMA geared up for the busy weekend. Db coach next week, looking forward to that.
