DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

I've been reading this forum for quite some time now and I think it's great to read that I'm not alone in my sitch (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone) and that other, more experienced BDers are so generous with offering advice and solace.

I suppose it would be best to start from the beginning. I met my wife, who is Dutch, through her brother when I came over from my native New York for a European adventure in '96. Her intelligence, poise, kindness attracted me to her immediately. A few days before I was to leave, she expressed her interest in staying in touch with me and after some talking and laughing, we kissed for the first time. We agreed to stay together and to see where things would lead. I went back to finish school and she started her job (where she is still employed). After a few more back-and-forth visits, we decided that we wanted to give the relationship a chance and that I would relocate to the Netherlands. I arrived on October 2, 1997 full of hope mixed with trepidation and uncertainty about being a stranger in a strange land.

From the start we found that we were both a bit hot-headed and that there often came a point where communication was no longer effective because things were too heated. Nevertheless, we worked past those issues and I was able to gradually assimilate to the European lifestyle. I first got my residency permit, I learned to speak fluent Dutch, my driver's license, and after jumping through the usual bureaucratic hoops and hurdles, we got married and I got my Dutch passport. Our son arrived a year later. Throughout that time, our arguments remained fairly heated at times, and I had a great deal of difficulty with settling down here, a fact that was complicated by the fact that I was suffering from undiagnosed depression and ADD at the time. I also had a rather difficult childhood, one marred by repeated divorce, constant relocations, abuse, bullying, and loads of other fun stuff. My wife's parents, on the other hand, are still married and devoted to their children and she only lived in two different places before leaving for college. It's so alien to me.

Right from the start, W made it clear that she wanted to have a career and I wanted to spend time with the kids and be involved in their lives, unlike my father, who ran out when I was two and never really took an interest in us. I love participating in my kids' lives, but I can now say from experience that anybody who thinks that a stay-at-home has it easy is sorely mistaken. I worked 4 days a week when my son and daughter were small and that was tough enough, but when I started to work as a freelance translator around the time that my daughters were born, I found that combining working at home with taking a majority of the responsibility for shuttling the kids around and taking care of twins was a challenge unto itself. Also, one of the twins was born with a cranial disorder called craniosynostosis that required two operations and repeated visits for a special helmet to fix the shape of her head. (She's fine now, BTW. She's got her dad's sense of humor and she and her sister are like two little old ladies - they're inseparable and they chatter like gossips all day long, they're absolutely delightful. My kids are the apple, the tree, and the orchard of my eye.)

We've now got four children, including twin 3-year-old daughters, and we fight frequently, mostly over how often my wife wants to go out and socialize with friends and to participate in activities with work where she is now in a position of some importance and that places serious demands on her time and energy. There are times that she would call home and say she would be home an hour late because a meeting took longer than expected. Sometimes that would be on a day that I was home with the kids, they have activities that require me to play dad's taxi, plus the house is a disaster, kids are shouting for their dinner and I've got a project that a client wants back yesterday and I would just lose it. I'm ashamed to admit that I more than once I shouted at her over the phone. It got to the point that she would be afraid to call to let me know that she was going to be late or to let me know that she had yet another dinner with work. Plus -- and again I'm not proud -- when we would fight there were times that I would throw things across the room or slam doors. But it never felt as if I was doing these things TO anybody, it was just a way to vent the frustration I felt. I also began to push her away in order to avoid that painful sense of frustration, and part of how I did that was to say things like I hated her and that I wished I could get out. How I wish now that I could just have made myself hear how painful those words were, even if I didn't really mean those things. Now, I think it's important to also point out that my wife also has anger issues. She has terrible PMS and is seeing a psychiatrist (finally) to deal with her issues, and she can be very impatient with the kids. All of that combined to a very difficult situation, one that was complicated by the fact that I knew that when we worked together on things, we were able to accomplish so much. At one point we promised each other that we would stay together no matter what. How I wish that she could still have faith in the person she was when she said that.

Cut to Christmas Eve of last year. After a difficult few weeks, my wife and I had a long talk and at one point she said, would you be happier if you just moved into your own apartment? And that was like a bolt of lightning: No way! That's not what I want at all! I realize now that what she was saying was that she was so unhappy that she wanted out, but I looked at it like an opportunity to turn things around. To be honest I made all of the mistakes MWD warns against: I hugged her constantly, complimented her, told her I loved her endlessly... I thought maybe we had taken a step in the right direction. Then came the bomb... I took W out to dinner and she told me that she was no longer interested in making an emotional commitment to this marriage. I was and am heartbroken. Despite our problems, I care very deeply for my W and part of the reason I would get so defensive when she wanted to go out (apart from the fact that I desperately needed to GAL) was that I loved having her home with me and the family. A week later, she informed me that she wanted to stay together as roommates for the sake of the kids. I implored her to come with me to therapy (which she has agreed to) and to give things time. Shortly thereafter I picked up DR and I've been reading and consulting with it and this forum religiously since. I've been trying various 180s and I've got the GAL down pretty well. The only problem are the emotional ambushes that I experience from time to time: there are so many things I want to say to her and there's so little that I have to say that a) W hasn't heard before, and b) would make an ounce of difference in how she feels.

Last week was tough. After a few months of agreeing to give thing time and after a few weeks in separate BRs (is BR for 'bedroom' a thing in DB? I've got 'SBR' for 'separate bedrooms' in my signature, but I might have to change that), a series of events led me to believe that things had turned a slight corner. Then, after W had been away for three days for a management training program and came home full of enthusiasm and positivity, when things turned to R (kicking myself now that I brought it up, albeit indirectly), she immediately shut down. Said her feelings hadn't changed and still didn't think we could work things out. Anyway, after that and seeing how inflexible she is with the kids, I started to get the sense that my situation was hopeless and I confronted her and at one point got so upset that I knocked over a chair. I regretted this immediately. I'm working on anger issues in therapy and I don't seethe over things the way I used to, but I know I've still got work to do. She still says that she has been scared in our marriage, but I've NEVER threatened her physically or done any kind of menacing. I suppose slamming my fist on the table was enough. I know it was enough.

After things cooled down I told her that I was in too much pain and that I was almost tempted to just say I want out now then to hope that her feelings would change down the road. I asked if she felt the same way and she just said no. Still, she went to the therapist today and when she came home, after some very mild, indirect asking (we usually ask how things went when the other gets home from the therapist), she told me that she had fully intended to start winding things off now and moving towards divorce. I stayed calm and listened to her, looked her in the eyes and kept a PMA. I told her that what I said about preferring to get out was the culmination of a number of factors, but that now I felt that I was once again capable of giving her as much time and space as she needs. I don't want to say that she seemed 'relieved', exactly, but I could tell that our talk helped her step back from the ledge a bit.

So, after heading outside for a smoke (how stupid is that? I'm a vegan who runs four days a week and, oh yeah, smoke cigarettes to deal with the stress!), I asked her about what her psychiatrist had mentioned to her about my medication (I'm being treated for my depression and ADHD and feel fantastic, present sitch excepted), and she mentioned how strange it was that after what she said, that I was still being positive and just getting on with things. I told her, there are no bars on the door, you're not shackled, you can leave whenever you want. Let's just take the pressure off each other for now and see how things go. I don't think she wants to admit it, but I think that there is still some hope that I can win back my beautiful Dutch tulip . Then, I came upstairs to my office (which is now in my bedroom, my former office now being occupied by W) and finally decided to tell my story in this forum.

Sorry for the length of this post. I can assure you that brevity will be a much higher priority in future. Thanks for reading and any feedback, criticism, advice, constructive scolding, etc. would be immensely appreciated. Thanks to everybody working on the forum and to MWD for making it all possible.