Heart of the Matter

[cat04]

Bug,

I had been thinking about starting a thread about this very topic. Came to read and you had already done it.

I have gone back and forth for years about this topic. I know in my M, I didn't give or get respect. I understand that on a very logical and emotional level.

What I have struggled with as of late is, what exactly is respect? How is it defined? What does it look like? How does one show respect so that others feel respected?

Those are answers I don't feel like I have. For whatever reason, it is a concept that my brain can't seem to grasp.



Thoughts?

[labug]

Hi cat and bd, I have responses (or maybe more questions) to these posts but I'm off to work.

Later...

[azguy]

And now this song has been stuck in my head all evening/morning. Oh well, not the worst song to have rattling around in my thoughts.

[purplewoman]

I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts on self-respect and respect for others.

Setting boundaries has been really hard for me. Normally I share everything with DH, but as he has sunk into depression and stopped doing things that I consider respectful to the relationship and me, I have pulled away. I don't think that helps his depression, but I need to detach a bit to help my own mental health. We are still trying to find a balance.

[labug]

BD, did you stand up for what you believed in? For yourself? Did you have good boundaries then?

Nope....the positions shifted and I struggled against it without knowing how to change the dynamic as much as she did. I've been in limbo a long time because of it.

I feel sad as I read this because it is much the story of my M. I can only speak for my part but I felt I was doing the right things in my M and my life in general but I had no boundaries. I can see that my H didn't either.

So here we are.

But I don't see myself in limbo so much as a growth phase. If I had put my life on hold to wait for him, that would be limbo.

[labug]

Bug,

I had been thinking about starting a thread about this very topic. Came to read and you had already done it.

I have gone back and forth for years about this topic. I know in my M, I didn't give or get respect. I understand that on a very logical and emotional level.

What I have struggled with as of late is, what exactly is respect? How is it defined? What does it look like? How does one show respect so that others feel respected?

Those are answers I don't feel like I have. For whatever reason, it is a concept that my brain can't seem to grasp.

Thoughts?

I believe that everyone who walks this earth deserves respect. What does that look like? I don't judge them (at least I'm working on this. I have been a judge above all else in my past), I don't try to change them or teach them a lesson, I don't ridicule them, I listen with open ears and heart, I keep in mind that everyone has a back story and that what people do is never really about me but more about them and their struggle.

I allow them to "be"

So in becoming a person who respects self, I simply apply all of that to me.

Thoughts?

And now I'm going to answer Val's questions. My answers are very different than I thought they would be.

[labug]

from Val 2 - Respecting Others - this is also done regardless of their actions. Respect is not earned, it is deserved. People love to think they are deserving of it.. and that is very true....
This I have to ponder on...I think there are levels of respect....yes, I have to think on this.

Why do you think their are levels? I'm not saying to respect their actions. I'm saying to respect that they are a person. Very different things.

I had to think so I would know what I think not just respond based on my emotion of the moment. A bit of a tangent-we should bring back the socratic method of education, at least in some small part.

And now after writing out my my definition of respect in a different post, I don't think there are levels of respect. There may be different kinds of respect but not degrees.

And you are right, we can still respect the person but not their actions.

and this, Give first - then you will receive. But if not - that is totally fine too.

What about this sentence makes you think?

I had to think because I was reading an expectation in there which clearly isn't there.

And that's part of the boundaries, emotional boundaries. If I don't receive respect from another, it says nothing about me and doesn't affect my "self."

Self-respect and self-esteem, are not increased or diminished by others but are built by us through our works.

[labug]

I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts on self-respect and respect for others.

Setting boundaries has been really hard for me. Normally I share everything with DH, but as he has sunk into depression and stopped doing things that I consider respectful to the relationship and me, I have pulled away. I don't think that helps his depression, but I need to detach a bit to help my own mental health. We are still trying to find a balance.

Thanks purplewoman, I read your post in another section. You'll get more feedback if you move it over here. Just create a new thread and just copy and paste it here.

I'm a visual and kinesthetic learner so I read A LOT and always have book suggestions. Have you read Depression Fallout? It focuses on dealing with spouses who are depressed so it might be helpful.

At the time of the BD, I was in the midst of a very deep depression and really didn't know how to fix it. It's been a long, road but with the guidance of a great IC, support here and patience on my part, I'm better than I've ever been.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

[Tallula]

Oh, wow! So much to marinate on since I was last here.

This is EXACTLY what I feel about my H. I am showing him respect. Others in my life see that as being a doormat or allowing myself to be hurt. But since I now have boundaries, giving respect to my H has no conditions, nor do his actions define me and my worth the way the once did. Actually, I am more surprised when he is kind. When he is mean, I see this more as a reflection of where he is at, than me. It's pretty awesome.

[labug]

Today is 2 years to the day my H moved out. It also would have been my mom's 87th birthday, that's why I'm so clear on the date.

When I found these boards in July-Aug of that year, I never expected I would become a poster (I lurked for awhile), certainly not a regular poster and most definitely wouldn't still be here in March of 2013.

But here I am.

One thing I've learned is not to look into the future and try to predict what's coming.

What else have I learned here?

[list]
[*]I'm not always right
[*}slow down and think
[*]listen twice, talk once
[*]patience
[*]stay out of useless power squabbles on internet message boards
[*]I can only change me

I've also made some great friends, people who have supported me when I needed it and given me a 2x4 when I needed it.

I'm still married, and see my H occasionally. We get along as co-parents and he would do just about anything I might ask of him, except work on the marriage.

And I understand why.

Fear is a powerful motivator.

I have a great life that's better than it's ever been because of the work I've done here, with my IC and all the books I've read.

Someday I may want to share life with someone but right now I'm enjoying just being me. I'm not in limbo, just living my life.

My sons are a gift and have taught me a lot about myself. I couldn't be happier about the R we've built over the last 2 years. We've all 3 grown-up a lot.

As many have said, I wouldn't have chosen this journey but I'm happy for what its given me.