I may have to pick up War and Peace , for a little "light" reading after that one.... : )
And yes, I mixed up the quote boxes, and the names should be reversed on the previous response.
Originally Posted By: 25
PROBLEM= h has struggles with them and feels alienated. He asks me for help w/that but seems more focussed on what the division of labor ought to be and is baffled by what he percieves as resentment. I feel at times I'm defending the kids, to h. Other times the kids approach me and essentially as I posted earlier, I end up defending h to them...so they drag me into their disputes. (I know how to stop that but am not sure yet that I want to just stick them in a room alone to "work it out").
The kids seem to want me to see their dad as they do. But I don't. So my son asks if I'm in denial. Yikes.
I refer all parties to the other one UNLESS I think they might escalate. Which happens half the time. then things get said that are awfully painful.
My ds are my biggest priority b/c I feel they were most affected and they're younger, though s26 seems to feel super protective of them, and maybe it's guilt b/c he got a lot of attention from h, etc.
So who knows who was most affected?
Anyhow, I want a harmonious family life. There are times I think, Good grief, why'd I do all that DBing if they're not going to get along now? \\
I've had moments where I think I wasted years and energy reconciling if they're all angry at him or he is at them. What was the point of it all?
You said ...problem..
I gotta say, that I understand the whole "harmonious life" thing, but how does that play into a "fixing" mentality from you ? To me, it seems as if that is just more of the "whys" that you moved away from.
I dunno, it just makes more sense (at least to me), to say to them, that you are not his secretary, therapist, or babysitter, and if they have an issue with him, that they are adults, and they need to work it out with HIM, not you. Seems like wasted energy for you .
You can't be there forever to fix their issues with other people. Their memories of the past, will differ from yours. And your stand meant something different to you than it did to them. Your Love for him is different than their Love for him. You can support their feelings though, and listen , but being deeply involved is something different. And it will leave you drained, if you allow that to happen.
It seems as though, at least through their eyes, you are re-living the past. You and he are trying to move forward, with their relationship dragging you backward. That can't be healthy for the marriage.
Seems it would be more "harmonious" to not be in the middle..
Then again, you didn't say WHO you wanted it more harmonious for...
Originally Posted By: 25
I THINK ...all I can do is get a third party involved so I can step aside and say,''Okay, here are some tools I found really helpful. Please consider them"
and let go of it...as best as I can.
As a mom, I don't know how to let go. It was one thing to learn to do as a wife, or LBSer, but as a mother, I just am not sure yet where that line is. But I'm looking for it.
Maybe the answer lies in that ??
Maybe you could step back enough to get a clearer picture of the dynamics, and then re-assess.
Maybe that means that you use the first part of the quote ? With a different ending ?
I THINK ...all I can do is get a third party involved so I can step aside and say, "I need for you all to find a way through this , and I trust all of you to get through this"
As for the rest ?
Yes...it makes sense, a lot of sense actually...
Yet I see you banging your head against the wall trying to fix everything. And that can't be healthy for you mentally.
