Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[MrBond]

The ladies have great points.

[LuckyLuke]

adinva, Tallula, Mr. Bond,

Okay - I think a reasonable discussion can be started, given that I am usually rational (at least in my eyes; maybe not in hers). I think that setting a goal of wanting to have the kids see some national parks is something we can start the discussion with, share, agree on, and can work on, together. I can imagine that my reasonableness and lack of passion may drive my W crazy and lead to her losing it, and that I can then use the "if you can't talk reasonably, then there is no point in this discussion just now" or similar line. I think that this can actually be a good thing -

Stating that I am planning to do so, with the kids, will be assertion (still need feedback from S), but that I would like to find a solution, with her, to give the kids this experience. As one review of Anna Karenina said "my happiness should not be built on your unhappiness".

Different subject:

How do you know when a M is not fixable? I keep getting intimations that this may be too far gone?

Thanks from a cold Sweden -

Luke

[MrBond]

"Stating that I am planning to do so, with the kids, will be assertion (still need feedback from S), but that I would like to find a solution, with her, to give the kids this experience."

Wasn't her issue not the fact that she didn't want to go to the parks, but that she didn't want to go WITH you? You'll have to reword things as she doesn't see you as significant.

"How do you know when a M is not fixable? I keep getting intimations that this may be too far gone?"

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as an "un-fixable" M unless there is some type of physical or really bad mental abuse. There is not gage or parameters. It depends on you and your efforts. I've seen some of the worst situations turn around.

Have you read Power of Now's thread? I think you'll need to do so.

The only time it will end is when YOU decide to end it.

[LuckyLuke]

Of course I am significant and will insist that we either go together, or worst case, share the kids somehow. I am paying for the trip, after all... It is financially inefficient to have to fly to the States a second time to see the parks, which she understands. We have to find a solution together, and it is exactly this together part, this working it out, that I find good.

Will look up PON's thread.

[MrBond]

Have you ever seen "Cool Runnings"? I doubt that it's your type of movie, however, if you look up "pride and power", you might be able to get empowered by it. Or Rock Balboa's speech to son on Youtube.

[LuckyLuke]

Morning Mr. Bond,

Yes, I have seen Cool Runnings, but will look at it again. Will also look up your other recommendations -

Thanks,

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Wow, Mr. Bond, Power of Now's thread is so worth reading. Thank you for the recommendation.

I am slated to go to the US for work next month and will try to fit in EE, though this entails flying across the country (I work in southern California). Perhaps there is something similar on the West Coast? Going to the course will also have me away from home longer, something my W will like... ha ha.

I went to a leadership course given by an old employer many years ago and found it empowering. My name here is taken from that course (LL is a comic strip figure, the cowboy that draws his revolver faster than his shadow).

The positive energy in PON is great.

Luke

[MrBond]

Great to hear. The main point is that, like yourself, his W was very abusive but she would actually be physically so.

He also didn't think he was worthy enough or had enough love or wasn't sure if he even wanted to be with her. Get strength from the fact that you can do this.

[LuckyLuke]

Quick notes - W more friendly today, perhaps a little because we waited with dinner for her last night, when she came home late. Swept sidewalk free of gravel in front of house to make it look nicer. US vacation discussion still not resolved - S does not have job so far - was planning to look for one when he comes home next Friday for spring break - on the other hand, he will be in the States no matter what for MIL 75th birthday, so extending his stay by another week is probably okay.

See C today. EE still has room in their May session.

Went to Crossfit again last night, this time to a larger (4) student class. No progress on the friend front, but I am out a bit more at least.

Trip to US in April probably starts on 20th, will spend a week at corporate headquarters, meeting people and at workshops, and then 2 weeks at our satellite site. EE would be just after.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Perhaps W misses the adventures we used to have? Winter camping, bike tours, etc? Maybe it would be good to resurrect these? Not sure if I can find friends (most of whom are married, family men) who would want to go with me, but perhaps D would be interested?

Sweden is great for camping with its right of public access law, and has lots of empty space - .

A larger town about 30 minutes away from here has a good music scene, and it would be fun to go listen to some. Is it important to go with someone to such events re GAL?

Luke