A Life Filled With Grace

[Valeska19]

Just journaling a little bit.

Work is extremely slow and that's usually a sign that I need to deal with my thoughts. It's prompts another step that I need to take.

For the past two months I have been in a really good place emotionally. I'm excited about life, work is good, and dating - is interesting.....

.. but in some ways I am feeling a little lost.. and here's why.

The last two years have been the most painful experience of my life. It stripped me of who I thought I was and left me wondering who I wanted to be.

It broke me.....

And now I don't feel broken. Of course there are still painful moments and my heart wounds are still mending.....

.... but I feel like I'm on my way. I feel like forgiveness is happening and more and more joy is coming into my life.

But most importantly - I know who I want to be and I portray that as my truth now. I still have demons for sure, but I am just Val. I no longer try to live up to the expectations of others, but of God alone (and myself at times).

I am now a woman with hopes and dreams who believes in a moral code that I refuse to sacrifice every again.

There is no problem really.. except for that I'm struggling to figure out how this new life plays into my mission statement of who I want to be.

When my crisis started, I didn't know how I was going to survive. I moved into a place that I couldn't financially afford, my support system in my life was yanked out from me, yet I was provided for. I started working more and more and God blessed me with the most wonderful friends. I started mending my relationships with my family....

... all during this horrible experience.

And because of that, I felt so grateful, so inspired. It was easy to see who I wanted to become because it was constantly being shown to me... so in turn - I was working on showing those things as well.

Please don't get me wrong - the grace hasn't stopped and the amount of compassion coming in is still overwhelming....

... it's just not as constant.. and it shouldn't be. I'm not in crisis mode anymore.

I'm still VERY thankful.. I'm just struggling to find that same amount of inspiration.

Because truth be told.. even though I'm a thinker... I'm a doer. Love to do lists, love gameplans.

But maybe its not in the form of amount or maybe its not even about receiving it.

So once again I am asking for your thoughts... your council....

Because they don't really talk in DR about what happens when working on yourself...um.. works!

[2thepoint]

Hi Val! Wish I had something inspirational to offer. I guess for now the best I can do is to say that you seem to be finding your way just fine and to just keep on, keeping on.

Hmmm, where have I heard that before?

[25yearsmlc]

well, life tends to work well after a crisis if we've done the hard as he11 work.

And then time passes...& a curve in the road comes or we have a setback or a new challenge, or a new love (which can be all of those other things)

and all I can tell you is that while things are smooth and have sunk in a bit, you reach out and help others, paying it forward. AND YOU ARE...

When the curve ball comes or even, God forbid another blow, you will use the tools we've all gained here and where our other resources were/are.

As you know, my mom's facing a rapid decline, & losing her will hurt me a lot...my kids have issues with their dad and he with them, and NOT all will work out perfectly.

But b/c of the tools I've gained here and at the workshop I attended, I want to say Nothing will bring me to my knees again...but I'll be specific, only the death of one of my children could bring me to my knees again, for very long.

Sure, I may fall down hard again. I expect to b/c hey, my mom is dying. But now I know that I know how to get up again.

So enjoy the relative calm you have right now. I think b/c of your background (and mine) we tend to expect the other shoe to drop when things are good...like "well, what NOW??"

But now, there's a different. NOW, you know that if another shoe drops & you find yourself on your knees again, you'll know where to look for your help, and HE'll bring you back up

and we and other resources you have, will be here to keep you steady...

I think that's where you might be LATER but for now, you're in a sweet place. ENJOY that jeep too.

The jeep Is a symbol of success & achievement in a few different ways for you.

You're allowed to enjoy a reward you earned.

[labug]

So enjoy the relative calm you have right now. I think b/c of your background (and mine) we tend to expect the other shoe to drop when things are good...like "well, what NOW??"

I think this is so important. For me I've always been suspicious of the good stuff because there was always something bad coming.

But that doesn't have to be the case. Relax and enjoy the good. It's OK.

And now you have the tools to handle the bad stuff.

[JustStunned]

Late as usual, I spent most of the last week just being, not apologizing, just saying.

Some random thoughts FWIW. You were on my mind during the last couple of days, pity we here can’t message or pick up a phone.

You know this, but I’ll say it anyway for it helps me frame these thoughts.

Life is not the fairy tale. It doesn’t end with the happily ever after ending. Life goes on and presents us with new challenges, new high and new lows. I do not think of life as a constant struggle. I experience my life as an ever changing series of experiences, events and opportunities. Some of them will be undesirable, downright bad and terribly upsetting. The opposite is true also.

Each point is populated with choices. The choices I make create the circumstances I experience. I choose to improve as I see improvement. I shape my life. Continuous improvement toward a goal. I falter when I reach a goal and allow myself to drift. A factor in my D was ceasing to lead and this was a choice I made.

I understand your point well. I had burned out constantly doing and that is when stagnation crept in. Doing, achieving, succeeding had become what defined me. I lost balance and crashed. Part of improving is balancing.

Sometime back I was over thinking and getting wrapped around an axle. A post from you began a realignment of sorts. Not a new idea for we see it expressed often, “stop and smell the roses”, “appreciate what you have achieved”, and the one I like best “experience the life in every breath”

It is a way of seeking balance. In my mind I hear Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi “Go find balance”

[Valeska19]

Thanks guys.

I know your right. Enjoy the calm, the good... and I do.


The day after my wedding - my x and I went to a beach in Kauai. A storm had just passed.. and the waves were great. I was a cocky 24 yr old and thought I could ride the waves.. but they were too frequent and the under toe was too strong.

I got knocked off my board and just when I got my balance, another wave crashed into me draggin me back under. I always felt desperate to catch my breath and was constantly trying to protect my body as I was drug against the sand shredding my skin.

I thought I was going to die.

That is what the past 2 yrs felt like for me - so yeah I do expect the other shoe to drop.

But I think more importantly is that I worry about getting complacent... I don't want that. I don't want to forget the pain.....

.... maybe that's because I don't know what it's like to move forward with joy in my heart for an extended period of time.

I am just sooo different now from who I was. Not that old Val was a bad person. I believe my true self was always there.. but hidden under large amounts of fear....

... but if you knew who I was then - you wouldn't even believe it to be true that it's the same person... (and I'm not just talking about my physical appearance).

I mean.. it's quite possible that I'm on the journey to being the happiest I've ever been.

And honestly - that scares me.. because it's new and I'm not quite sure how to function that way.

[JustStunned]

The other shoe will drop, but it doesn’t mean a thing for you will choose to make it so.

Fear, angst, and drama breeds fear, angst and drama.

Conversely peace, joy and contentment breeds peace, joy and contentment.

It is our choice how we experience life.

You’ll do well.

[Valeska19]

Thanks JS - You are completely right.

As many of you know - my mom has been sick for a long time. She's been having pains in her uterus so she went to the doctors yesterday.

The doctor has informed her that she either has pre-cancer or cancer. If it's cancer, there is nothing they can do. If it's pre-cancer, they may be able to treat it.

No need putting the cart before the horse yet but I do have a conversation with my mom later (My sister told me because my mom isn't ready).

She - my mom - doesn't want to do the tests on Monday due to jury duty. Not to mind read, but I'm pretty such its more that she's not ready to hear it. My sister is pushing - because she needs to know.

I plan on just listening and Remembering that as much as I am scared or angry or whatever.. it's not really about me.

I just really want to be there for my mom.

So here is other shoe - and its okay. I feel like I have the tools. The main tool is that this is completely in God's hands.

All I can do is support and pray.

[2thepoint]

Val,

I'm sorry your mother is ailing. Cancer is such a dreadful disease. But as you know, treatments have really come a long way. And regardless the diagnosis, I would encourage a second opinion. You are right though, you do have the tools and you also have your faith that whatever the outcome, there is someone to walk by your side and carry you if needed.

Hang in there, Val!

[25yearsmlc]

So sorry about your mom...I know she has real medical problems.

I can't help but make ONE tiny comment about cancer in the uterus, and what your mom thinks she heard about the worst case, and or how there's "nothing they can do IF, this and not that" ETC.

First, If I recall correctly, your mom does NOT like to hear certain medical things nor does she go out of her way to "bother with" her health care by asking questions, researching her own conditions, or seeking out new treatments (or any??).

Do you wonder if She may even prefer this so she can just give up or is looking for an excuse?? No offense meant!!!

ANYHOW whatever, here's my one tiny comment...

The uterus is a removable/disposable organ we CAN and DO live without. If one were to choose an organ to have cancer in, that might be the best one...

Just ask my mom, b/c she had uterine cancer (2 forms of it, at age 70) and so she got a hysterectomy...in 1991.

She's still around. So is my sister, whom you met. She had scar tissue and fibroids bothering her a lot, there were some lining changes that MIGHT have been pre cancerous, so she had a hysterectomy too.... 7 years ago.

There are options.

As my late father said when He was diagnosed with cancer in his liver and both kidneys, "why couldn't I have cancer in one of the organs I can throw away, like your mother did? Then none of these biopsies would matter."

Sweetie, You definitely need more/better information.

((( hugs )))