Of Feral Cats, and All That

[TSquared2]

and I wish I could email your response to W, its brilliant...but I know now isn't the time...

[Portia]

T,

I don't often get a chance to post to you - you are so much further ahead than I am! But I have learned a great deal from you.

This process takes strength and I am so completely impressed with yours. I read once in a book that unconditional love was the most attractive quality a person could find. I believe your wife recognizes that, maybe not out in the open where you can see but she has to know. She trusted you enough to tell you the truth. The news had the potential to hurt her by pushing you away but she told you anyway. With MLCers, I believe that is progress. They lie to protect themselves and their interests. The change is when the truth starts coming out.

Wishing you all the best!

[TSquared2]

Thank you Portia! Yes, the truth is nice to see, progress forward...it is interesting to watch the fog or tide flow in, then out, etc right now...seems more and more clarity when depression and anxiety aren't ruling the roost.

And Snodderly, thank you for your insights, I have read your post to me about a dozen times now, getting it cemented in my mind...


T^2

[reachingHigher]

T^2,

I've read all...so glad snodderly has personalized advice for everyone, yet mostly applicable to all.

Just wanted to tell you a thought.

I took the Mustang out today, convertible style, and was listening to that song from CSN "long time gone" like I did six months ago when I was in the throes of sorrow.

You know, truly in my sitch, the darkest hour WAS just before the dawn! The pain has been so intense. But there is some relief from it now. We are working on "us", not to minimize we have a long way to go. I'll post an update on my sitch maybe tomorrow.

I was thinking of this dark hour for you. Very dark and discouraging but you have grown so much as a man, you are handling it maturely. (yes, you have those temptations like we all do....)

So...perhaps the dawn will be soon. Perhaps.

Thinking of you,
As always,
rH

[Takevowsserious]

Great post, rH
Will be looking for your update!

Hope you are hanging in there T. Since rH brought up songs, I listened to a very calming one the other day, a song that H and I used to enjoy together. It was Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic". We may not be listening to it together now, but it did mellow me out for whatever reason. Just a suggestion if you ever need some mellowing

[TSquared2]

Thanks for checking in folks, and the songs!

I am doing okay, moving towards doing fine...it's not the end of the world, and even though I was "hoping" to not have to deal with a PA like most people do, I do. I remember seeing things that really made me think she was, but tankfully I didn't react/confront at the time. I think not knowing for sure helped me keep going and NOT show W a side of me that would have made her run harder, or cut it off before W's life lesson was learned, like in Phase 1... and it allowed her to reach her own limit or conclusions or whatever she had to get from the experience. As they say and I have read, it has to, and will, die a natural death sooner or later if they try to come out of the tunnel. I've walked the infidelity recovery path before, and this time I have "myself" back, due to my LBS journey, it should be smoother, and quicker.

Lots and lots of communication, mostly via email, but lots of talks initiated by her and it looks like, and feels like, things are moving forward pretty quickly for W. I am just being "me", compassion, patience, validating, while still letting out some of "my stuff" and my vulnerability, or being honest and telling her when I need a break or space (this is new, T needing "space"...lol!). I am really working hard on not re-generating our old R dynamics. It's going to be different.

Between work, kids, household life and W, I'm really overdone, and I apologize for not commenting more on people's threads. I do read all the posts, just don't have much left for contribution these days.

But I see, I think, a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train...expectations low, and I know there is a lot of work ahead, no quick fixes...and it "feels" different, W "looks" different (the face and eyes), if that makes sense...lol....


T^2

[ForeverYoung]

But I see, I think, a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train...expectations low, and I know there is a lot of work ahead, no quick fixes...and it "feels" different, W "looks" different (the face and eyes), if that makes sense...lol....


T^2

This is good to hear T, you are such a strong man.

Yes, the looks of the face and eyes makes sense. I can sometimes really see the pain in my W's face, and it ages her.

Here's hoping your wife is Almost Home.

The video has clips from the movie Oz, the great and powerful, and Maria's song brings tears to my eyes.

[job]

T,
She's sharing more and more w/you and that's wonderful! I know all of this stuff can be draining, but if you can find an outlet to help you blow the cobwebs out of your brain and revitalize you, that will help.

She's almost to the finish line and the light at the end of the tunnel is there. She just needs to continue moving forward to reach it. T, you've done a wonderful job of being there for her.

Hang in there! Spring is right around the corner and so are new beginnings for you and your family.

[Raine]

I'm really impressed with you T. I know that feeling of that it's not as far as other MLCers have taken it, and the pain of reality. For two months i held onto its just kissing. Its just a mistake. That must have been hard to have another bomb dropped on you, not a discovery, but surprise, you're in the moment. Now try and remember how you said you'd handle it if this happened. I'm trying to figure out how to handle that moment when I already know it's coming. We are all learning from your great example.

[TSquared2]

Thank you!

FY--Thank you...I made the mistake of playing that video while at work...can't be tearing up there...lol! And when W isn't all conflicted, which is starting to happen a bit more, the aging fades...it really is the "light from within" that determines a lot I think...if dark light, or light light, makes a difference.

Snodderly--I am ramping up my workouts, that helped before. I am grateful she is sharing so much on all subjects. More movement is occurring, I will touch on that below.

Raine--"Now try and remember how you said you'd handle it if this happened. " Thank you for holding my feet to the fire, and me to my word...lol. No matter how much or how we rehearse these things, you don't really know until your are there...and there is where your character comes in I think.

I shared how I was feeling and thinking in my posts above, some of it I am not too proud of, to be more honest with myself, and practice being okay with sharing my feelings, and I think all this practice here is helping in the sitch. I am a lot more comfortable with my feelings and being vulnerable. I have had a couple/few triggers, handled all but one really well, and the one I handled less than I would have liked wasn't too terrible, just not quite as graceful as I would have preferred...I hate it when I re-act a nano-second before my brain kicks in...but other than that I am doing well a wek or so into it, the thoughts don't come so readily, and I have learned that when I am tired, stressed, etc, to really watch myself, it's easier for them to sneak past command central.

W continues to work on herself...some things like:

--"just been thinking how I kept the cheating going in the fall because of the depression but I didn't realize this at the time....and now that the depression feels severe...things are happening naturally to stop those relationships but that is making the depression worse..."

--"is it normal to feel bored with your spouse, and want the excitement of a new relationship?"

--"I am worried that I might have made things more difficult for myself in the future with comparing you to him...I don't need more issues and work"

--"I'm scared and so tired of this...so lonely"

But, on the "good" side:

--"trying to remind myself to take it minute by minute right now..."

--"the good thing is that late last night when you saw me I was finally feeling good... at peace kind of... hard to explain.. but it was so nice..and I was thinking it was the herbs..." (to this I replied that "maybe it was also something that came from within YOU" in a really nice, not know it all, way).

She has been sharing things like the above, and other little status things like how she felt deleting some old emails, how she feels about her "contacts" dropping away...so I do see, and affirm, her efforts, and her openness, but without pressing or pressuring. Another new thing is that she is checking out some support groups at one of the hospital complexes for some of her issues, especially depression. I am gathering she has pinpointed the underlying constant, and fear motivator, through this via her own research...depression...and what does Cadet say in his welcome emails??

We have added in some menopause herbs, and the wellbutrin should be showing its effects anytime now, if it's not already. And its spring!

So I am watching the actions and keeping busy, but being available when she comes around. Keeping the road paved as smooth as possible.


T^2