I last posted nearly a month ago on this thread. Well, a month has passed since I met my xh after not seeing each other for nearly three years, (and many years now post bomb) and my xh has shown small signs of being reasonable.
We spoke on the phone this evening for nearly one and a half hours over what started out as a business matter (I couldn't get away!) and throughout he was pleasant and polite. This from a man who did advanced spewing in his time.
In some ways it was like the man he used to be.
It is all very weird, and it leaves me oddly unmoved. I want nothing and expect nothing. He wants reconnection with his children, that is clear.
From my experience by the time they have started to come through the crisis we have healed and moved on so much that we are detached.
Bea, I can so relate to your latest posting. I felt the same way after all of the acting out behavior, the divorce, etc. and when I did finally sit down w/my xh approximately 5 years after the divorce, he looked, sounded and somewhat acted like the h I once knew. However, when I looked at home, it was looking at someone in a year book, not someone that I had lived w/for 25 years.
I totally agree w/you about the detachment and how far we've come by the time some of they begin reconnecting. It's sad because by that time, many have opted to totally move on and not try to build a new relationship/reconcillation w/them.
I'm glad you posted your thoughts on the matter. It helps to know that others have experienced the same thing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The other thing I found strange was that my xh wanted to tell me about his life, and plans, even his finances. I was the one who didn't feel inclined to share. Not because I was consciously with-holding anything, but because I didn't feel that our lives had anything in common any more. It was the exact opposite of when he left -
Fwiw I suspect he will contact me again in in about 6 weeks. Just a thought.
Bea, I think we are on the same page totally. My xh loves to rattle off at the mouth and tell me about everything he's doing, etc. Do I share anything about my life? Nope. My xh tends to ask in a roundabout way "hope your family is doing well or how is the family doing". I never respond to his comments. I feel he lost the privilege of knowing what my family is doing the day he walked out the second time.
I think your xh will contact you sooner than 6 weeks.
No one can make this stuff up because it's such crazy behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly- I have three sons to whom my xh was a devoted father until the youngest was 18. That is a tremendous legacy, and I cut him a lot of slack for that. Doesn't excuse the way he has behaved during the past 7-8 years, but if any bonds can be forged I am going to do all I can to facilitate that.
My xh was always a very reserved man and I find his current/temporary openness rather disconcerting! I am not very interested in what he is doing, the improvements he is making to his home, and his decision or not to sell . . . . I was passionately interested in his life when we were together, and I found it really hard to let go, but now I have, I do not want to get drawn into anything at all beyond politeness and co-operation. I am sure you feel the same!
My xh tends to ask in a roundabout way "hope your family is doing well or how is the family doing". I never respond to his comments. I feel he lost the privilege of knowing what my family is doing
Yeah, funny - my ex does that too, and he never could have given a sh!t about my family when we were married. I don't give him the satisfaction of knowing anything about my life.
No one can make this stuff up because it's such crazy behavior.
Well for normal people I agree, but here I am sure you or I could write down almost exactly what will happen because as you know it is almost a script. We dont get to hear the tail end too often but the script doesnt seem to change all that much.
Cadet, I agree totally w/you about the "script". It's almost word for word and the behavior is identical in a majority of the situations when they begin to wake up.
The reconnection works backwards of the way the crisis started in each and every case that I have observed. When spouses or companions can finally detach and step back from the situations that they have been dealt, they can see how the reconnection works in the "opposite" scenario.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I totally agree. This feels very different from other touch and goes, in that the reconnection is getting stronger with the children.
As regards our 'detachment' - and this is just how it seems to me. As they become more reasonable and a little more like their old selves the tension and anxiety drains from us. It is actually very frightening seeing the person you married and loved turn into a cruel, cold and often raging human being. As they begin to re-enter reality our own state shifts, and all the work we have done on ourselves drops into place.
I am not explaining this very well but it isn't just me who has changed here. I do not think there is any joint future, and my xh goes on his way with my blessing and love. It feels wonderful to have got to that place. I haven't replaced him with someone else (although there is certainly nothing wrong with that!) Rather I am finding out who I am, and accepting myself.
