25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Mach

I went back to read some of your other questions (which is why the coloring and quoting helps me. I can just go over the other person's post once and highlight my replies in color.

If you know another way of doing this so I don't have to post more than once but can do it without using colors, let me know. OTherwise, is there a color that is more visible to you?)

ANYHOW, the "Why"s of it all...what is the value of it? There's what I "know" and what I "think".

I KNOW I asked "Why?" way too much & for far too long. As you said, I was the "Queen of Why's"> (I'm stealing that but with attribution of course)

It was if I was in a loop on the freeway and NOT taking an exit ramp. I was stuck in a blame mode...
asking why H was doing/thinking/feeling/planning whatever he was, HOW he could do this?? How he could face himself, and blah blah blah which was a ton of mindreading and speculation on my end.

And I was INTO it - using lots of my energy to NOT be available to my kids, not really "present" with them b/c I was preoccupied with my quest for answers...and I finally realized there were no "good" reasons for it.


Now, OTOH, the "WHY"s of it as they relate to ME, WERE VERY USEFUL.

They related directly to the question "What can I do to change my life, now?"

And without ever asking yourself that^^, you'll never grow or change.

I THINK the questions about "why" the WAS does what they do, are not that useful compared to asking the LBSer some "why's?", such as

"why did I not see this before? Why did I not react differently or sooner?

Why didn't I adapt or change or leave?"

or my personal favorite,

"WHY didn't I change my approach sooner, (b/c it sure wasn't working?!")

In my sitch, I came to realize it was b/c I thought I was "right" to react w/closed arms (literally & figuratively) when h came home late. I felt he was choosing work over family. If I were to act happy, h might take it for granted and then I'd be rewarding his "bad" choices...(yes, I recall actually thinking that!)

Oh sure, at times there were other reasons for his late hours that were beyond his control. But at times he chose to stay late and do an extra case someone else could easily do.

For the sake of discussion, Let's say I was "right" and h was choosing work over family.

Why would he do that? He was NOT paid more back then....so was it B/C he was getting accolades from strangers, getting thanks from his patients, attention from his colleagues?? POSITIVE something from them.

If you look at that^^ in one light, it's annoying. H can seem childishly selfish.

After all, Dads and moms don't get bonuses for jobs well done, or promotions or even certificates suitable for framing...hey, we're parents!


But what if I asked myself:

"What If I welcomed h home with open arms and warmly received him, INSTEAD of showing my anger? "What if I gave h a home to miss?"

(You'd think with how smart I like to think I am, that it would have occurred to me a year or DECADE earlier, but nope, not ME!!

When I'm "right", I can't change---because...hello?? BECAUSE I'M RIGHT!!!..and that's that!)

So that ^^ analysis makes asking "why" very useful. But those "why's" are all about ME and MY choices, not h's.

Finally, your point about getting or needing an apology and how it relates to forgiveness for couples who do NOT reconcile

makes a lot of sense. It IS different.

I needed an apology NOT For forgiveness but for reconciliation b/c I needed to trust him,- that he really was choosing us and wanted to and wasn't going to disappear again.
But yes it makes it easier to forgive too...but not mandatory if you are not reconciling.

For ME, asking why (about h), just kept me stuck and angry

and only when I turned the focus of questions to MY behavior did real progress start.

In some ways, the main thing I HAD to understand was that H was not going to do it (leave us) again. (OR else how could I reconcile?)

For couples trying to piece, if no accountability happens on either end, I don't know how much hope there is, but when the measuring spoons for sins come out, I think things are doomed. At some point yes you do have to go from this day forward & let go.

But what IF h never came back from Alaska AND never apologized?...

I will ponder that more.

All I can I "know" is that I'd have moved on b/c I already had started to.

My regrets would focus heavily on how my kids were handling it.
The rest I will have to ponder more.


BUT--

I would advise parents who are reconciling (or not), to involve their children in the healing process, as best they can.