Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[Pmac21]

JJ, it looks like I'm still on moderation so I don't know when this will post, but I wanted to thank you for posting this:

"It is almost as if God is playing a hand in any of my reconnecting efforts currently…he is either letting me know that…(1) I’m not in a place solid enough for reconnecting with my ex yet….(2) My ex is not in a place that she needs to be to reconnect with yet….or… (3) The entire reunion isn’t meant to be?
We all search for the answer…we all long to hear what we want to hear…and when it come to the unknown factors that be, we baulk at giving up control……and for any of you that are in a similar boat as I am….I have one little piece if advice for you in the form of a prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

As you know, I am in the same boat as you. I think we should communicate it directly that we forgive them for their actions (if there were any) and that we want to reconcile but we cannot be their friend (friend zoning is a big no-no as it only allows them to use us so they can heal emotionally). Then we must detach and move on. They will have to either get to the point that they miss us & the life we shared and contact us to ask for reconciliation or they will move on. That is placing it in God's hands.

I feel there is something to what I read on these boards about how people can't miss you if you're still around. The other way I've heard it said is that a dog doesn't chase a parked car. Meaning, if we move on with our lives and get happy (what God wants for us), there is a chance our ex's might get re-attracted to us at some point down the road.

Needy, clingy, desperate behaviors are clearly unattractive. And, some of our ex's have personality disorders, going through MLCs, etc. that were at the root of why their feelings changed or fueled their affairs and/ or their current thinking. These dysfunctions can make it nearly impossible to get them to change their minds in the short term. Some build up an emotional wall around their decisions and will refuse to be deterred from the course they've set, no matter how damaging to themselves, their children, or their ex's it is. Their selfishness is really hard to fathom. Which begs the question, why do we still want these former partners? For me, it's my faith in God. The Bible tells us that if we should not divorce and if we do, we should reconcile with our spouse.

Trust me when I tell you that your ex cannot possibly have anywhere near the relationship with her BF that you did over the 8 years you were together. But, her "need" to end your marriage and to get into another relationship, the luster of the honeymoon period, and the chemicals that are released during this phase of the relationship are going to be far stronger than anything you can do by trying to bargain with her through pursuing her. She has to come to you.

I don't have any threads with examples of folks who have rekindled after D, but you should be able to find them if you look. It usually takes a catalyst though. Some of the catalysts I have found are things like the WAW having a financial or other hardship that returns them to their ex or they go through a BU with a rebound relationship and begin to see their former marriage in a different light. Others (far fewer) have an epiphany for what was lost and simply long for their ex and re-connect.

For me, the WAW who reaches out to their ex is the best scenario because they have clear interest in possibly rekindling. For you and me, we are in situations where our ex's are nowhere near wanting us back. The only thing we can do for now is all the DB stuff like GAL, 180 (hard to do when you're in LC/ NC), etc. Essentially absence has to make their hearts grow fonder or it wasn't meant to be. I'm in a little better position than you because I will see my ex from time to time because of our girls (even though we exchange them at her Mom's so I don't have to actually see her; helps my healing).

This is important for you to know: For months during & up to about 7 mos after the D was final, I was in frequent contact with her (although we were physically separated) over a wide range of topics (including telling her how much I missed her, wanted her back, etc.). NONE of this worked. Actually, I think it pushed her further into her new BFs arms! There have been some extended periods of LC here and there (particularly within the last 2 months) where I just learned from my daughter that "it drives Mom crazy when I don't return her text messages". Furthermore, after we had a minor disagreement over text, she asked me not to be mad and asked me to please not go into "no communication again". The bottom line is that the better I get at detaching from her, the more interested she has in why, and she always tries hard to reestablish a dialog with me, even if she has to use the girls to do so.

In my situation, my ex has been extremely used to me being an important part of her life, even during and after the divorce. By my "being there" for her over the past 11 months, I never allowed her to fall on her face & miss me and I made the transition to life without me easier for her. Meanwhile, she continued to build her relationship with her BF behind the scenes and just when I'm getting better at implementing LC, he's in a position to take over the emotional support I was being used for. I was an idiot. Don't make the same mistake.

Keep us up-to-date on your progress.