25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

I did not know you were color blind.

Geez, now you tell me. So, you really don't know what the heck i've been saying??

I do it so I can see what i wrote versus what they wrote. And b/c I don't do the quotes inside quotes b/c i never did them-don't know how. And b/c of the scrolling down, I find it harder to read in the right order.

Just used colors to distinguish between who said what or what I was responding to.

If I use all caps, it'll sound like I'm yelling but as a teacher I do use colors and bold a lot.

hmmm...now it'll be harder to recall what you wrote b/c that's another reason to use colors. I can go line by line with the person's comments and what my reactions or comments are

b/c otherwise I have to go all by memory.

SO, let me see...

WHY is it my problem that the r's in the family are not all smooth?

It's not my problem although it affects me. ALSO as a subject,

I thought it was a worthy discussion to say "hey, just b/c you reconcile (OR even if you don't but YOU heal), does not necessarily translate to the kids."

That was surprising to me but probably should not have been.

Second, I do NOT KNOW what my role is, vis a vis my older kids and my h.

Absolutely it is something I'm exploring.

But presently all the kids are at home for 5 months (which is mostly great. The age difference between the oldest and youngest is almost 12 years so d15 only had 7 years in a family of 5. The kids are close and they're doing a lot together and it's the first time in 8 years they've all lived here.)

Also b/c h got deployed to the Middle East for an undetermined amount of time, I really really liked having s26 around, and d23 helps d15 so much.
(H came back at Christmas)

PROBLEM= h has struggles with them and feels alienated. He asks me for help w/that but seems more focussed on what the division of labor ought to be and is baffled by what he percieves as resentment. I feel at times I'm defending the kids, to h. Other times the kids approach me and essentially as I posted earlier, I end up defending h to them...so
they drag me into their disputes. (I know how to stop that but am not sure yet that I want to just stick them in a room alone to "work it out").

The kids seem to want me to see their dad as they do. But I don't. So my son asks if I'm in denial. Yikes.

I refer all parties to the other one UNLESS I think they might escalate. Which happens half the time. then things get said that are awfully painful.

My ds are my biggest priority b/c I feel they were most affected and they're younger, though s26 seems to feel super protective of them, and maybe it's guilt b/c he got a lot of attention from h, etc.

So who knows who was most affected?

Anyhow, I want a harmonious family life. There are times I think, Good grief, why'd I do all that DBing if they're not going to get along now? \\

I've had moments where I think I wasted years and energy reconciling if they're all angry at him or he is at them. What was the point of it all?


YES I know I have on control over them. But I do have tools and want to share them.

I want them to learn and pass on to my children, (and they to theirs), how to confront and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

But I struggle a lot as a parent, about when I'm not supposed to be a parent anymore or when I'm not to act as one. When is the arrow released from the bow?

The other night, My unflappable d15 asked me if she could see a T by herself. i cannot stress how shocking that question was, coming from HER.

She's sort of weirdly well adjusted in some ways. Don't know if you read it but last summer her basketball coach made an unfair and really crappy remark to her that would have made ME cry at that age. ("worst defensive player" etc) I was a college athlete and have never heard a coach say something like that to anyone. Seriously...

I asked d15 if she was okay a few minutes later b/c other teammates said they'd "have started crying" if it had been them. They're being honest.

D15 said, "Oh I'm fine. I scored the most points and stole a lot too. I had a good game. I don't know what his problem is, but it's not me."

(See, I needed to be 35 y/o AND have had therapy, before I could distinguish between someone else's problems and their lashing out at me).

ANYHOW

Right now H also has his issues from his deployment and I'm not sure how he's processing them. We both served in the first Gulf war and a POW camp was where I was, which was weird and difficult. But not the same. And I have had years to process it. Plus no issues of abandonment for the kids b/c they were so young (I Had issues with it, as a mother but that's another story).

H Seems very angry. He Saw a lot of bad things done to people by the Taliban, and he hates how it's being handled politically, which makes news almost unwatchable with him atm. Same for discussions of politics or religion b/c he lumps all religions, atm with the theocratic fanatics who he saw hurt so many innocent people, including his interpreters 5 y/o family member.

So I think it'd be good for h and I to do some couples things...not directly relating to the kids. The Veterans Admin offers some limited and geographically far away help. The reservists have it much harder b/c no one in our area is military. While active duty, everyone around you "gets it".

But I KNOW H feels alienated and is alienated. Hes been gone too much for too long. Some of it is not his fault, some is. The kids seem to view his deployment as just another "more TIME AWAY from family."

Trying to rebuild a family after that, is hard.

But I don't pretend to have answers about where I fit in and where I need to just back off. I do not know.

I WANT them all to get along and be close as they once were, and I do believe it's possible. So the goal is clear...

I THINK ...all I can do is get a third party involved so I can step aside and say,''Okay, here are some tools I found really helpful. Please consider them"

and let go of it...as best as I can.

As a mom, I don't know how to let go. It was one thing to learn to do as a wife, or LBSer, but as a mother, I just am not sure yet where that line is. But I'm looking for it.

I'll get to your other points--the apology YES it helped me to forgive b/c I felt safer forgiving b/c we were reconciling.

Less risk if he gets what he did and shows me. But without some sort of apology I doubt I could have taken him back, forgiven or not. Do you get that?

Not sure if it's as necessary if you are not risking a reconciliation but I think an apology never hurts.

But most of us don't get them. And even h's apology wasn't all emcompassing. But then I saw him at Retrovaille and we had some big "moments". H is not a crier.

But at one point late in it, he broke down and cried, hard, for the "relationships on life support" and the "wreckage" he caused, I didn't feel the need for a lot more words. I knew at that moment, that he truly fully "got it".
As to whether that is fully recalled (it was awfully painful for him to feel that type of remorse and not everyone can carry it for long)

I don't know. And am not positive of its' importance. Yet.

But now I see that I should have shared that with the kids. When I did, they were amazed and touched.

Why didn't I tell them earlier? It felt private and marital...but really it was all about all of us.

Make sense?