Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

SS,
I started to reply to you in my usual way, line by line, with a defense for everything you said here. I realize you are trying to help and point out some flaws in the things that I say and portray here, how that way of thinking hasn't been helpful to me and how I come across as just defensive and hard headed and not thoughtful.

I think a lot of what you say has merit and is correct. I disagree with some of it too, specifically the health issues. I do rely on my H and need him to take better care of himself so that he will be alive for us. And yes, I'm resentful that he doesn't, I'm resentful that he doesn't see taking good care of himself as his responsibility to us.

When you say I'm not trying or doing the work though, that hurts. I am definitely trying. I may not be succeeding and I may not be displaying all of that here but I am trying. I have to struggle every day with my own feelings and resentments and behavior and try to overcome my natural impulses. Do I enjoy attention from other men? Of course. Am I seeking it though? I guess that depends. If I dress up and put on make up to go to work, is that for me to feel good about myself or is that for me to make a good impression on other people? Or both? I don't know. But I do know that I am not in a space where I am actively looking for validation in the way that I was previously.

I use this forum for venting most of the time. I've done a lot of complaining over the last however many months. Honestly it makes me feel better to come here and get it out vs. taking it out on someone or walking around with palpable resentment. It is like therapy for me to get those feelings out. I guess the trick now is to learn how to not have those feelings, or at least learn how to manage them better, which is much much harder. I'm not actually sure it's possible.

So do I even belong in this forum? I have no idea. I guess I thought that's what we were doing, piecing, putting the marriage back together. I'm certainly in a better place than I was and clearly we have a very long way to go. I don't know. It's my intention to try to fix the marriage; H's stated intention as well, so even though we are not having tons of success at the moment doesn't mean we aren't trying to do it. We still need a lot of help, it's still a very delicate situation.

So I do appreciate your advice, along with everyone else's over the past few months. It is just very hard to put these things into practice and I am struggling a lot. Perhaps I need to go back to the LRT theory where you make the changes for yourself, regardless of what spouse is doing. My expectation in marriage is for support, for respect, for mutual effort, and since I'm not getting much of that, I think that is what is derailing me at the moment. Vulnerability is also not well-received by my H. He shuts me down pretty consistently so I have learned to not be vulnerable with him. It is an unfortunate cycle because he claims to want that from me.