Thanks

[PatientMan]

I'm just now catching up on your sitch...you have that much out of the home commitment and 4 young daughters. How the heck did you have time to even try to have a R?

Everything 100%!

As I read through I didn't see mention of what your W's complaints are. If she doesn't have any (which we all do) what do you think you need to change? What could you have done better?

I believe that everything hinged on me drinking to cope with depression. Had I not drank I would not have turned to whoever that person that looked like me was. That person is dead now, but I am still living on the consequences of his actions. I do not mean this as a way of absolving my responsibility, I just recognize who I really am and HE isn't ME. (In a way he is still pulling strings from the grave.)

So obviously I don't drink, but that won't stop me from improving myself in other areas as well:

• PATIENCE. Patience with the kids. Patience with myself. Patience with life in general.
• Stop being such a hard [butt] all the time. I'm hardest on myself, which I realize isn't healthy, but that also means what I think as going "easy" on others (because I'm not as hard on them as I am on myself) isn't really "easy" as they see it.
• Be the best example of a father I can be. Live what I teach my children.
• Not be completely dependent upon her for my happiness.

I was had depression off and on for several years and it did lots of damage to my marriage. I went through the usual ways we hide from our seeming frailties, it's not that bad, it's not really depression, it's not me, it's them, I should be able to fix this, I was ashamed...None of them productive to getting better. A great IC, lots of reading, help here and I'm in a much better place.

I am glad you are experiencing some relief.

About your W's sneaking around, what were you hoping she would do? I'm not saying she's right to do that, just wonder where your mind is on that?

Not contact him until our marriage was final. I believe that she hasn't slept with him, but just finding out they have been in contact in whatever capacity (I have no idea) really stung. I told her it wasn't okay to be pursuing another man while we are married. To him I said no contact while she is my wife. W at least has an out by what opinion she has maintained all along (getting a D, though her actions don't coalesce with her talk given that we're 15 months in and still nothing signed and to a L). He has no valid excuse.

W has been very careful as to what she has NOT said to me. I mentioned it previously in my thread, that she has literally given me NOTHING solid I can use to stand on with regards to her. I understand why, but it doesn't make things any easier.

What was her family life like?

Her mother moved across country when she was 5 and turned into an aunt-type figure, though she likes to pull the Mom card when it suits her.

Her dad drank too much, but is a good man and has a good heart. He and I have always gotten along, and he has toned down his drinking considerably since all the kids grew up and left.

She felt stuck with her alcoholic father, and she just couldn't take that I was doing the same thing. That she had to take care of me that way too...put up with that all over again. I, and we, were supposed to be better than that. She moved away from home and in with me after HS to get away from that, and it just became too much to bear. She didn't want the kids to look at me the way she looked at her father. She begged me to stop, told me her feelings were changing, but nothing could get through to me.

...Until "that day", and everything, EVERYTHING hit me all at once, and I've been scrambling ever since.

I can't change what I did. I wish I could. All I can do is be the best man I can be.

And hope.

Whether you have lived to tell about it or even just watched Shawshank Redemption, you know that "hope is a dangerous thing. It can drive a man insane."