H seems (won't hold my breath until it lasts a few weeks) to see how screwed up he is. He has mentioned it many times to me, as we have been around each other more than usual. He came over to help with D2 being sick and was over all day yesterday. It's not that I see a future for us, not that I completely don't either. It's that I do just want him to find some happiness. He said "I am so sick, so messed up. I think I'll never really be happy. And I'm just a jerk (edit)." It truly isn't said in a "poor me" way. I listened each time, validated, and one time said jokingly "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again..." He cracked up and said "Man, I really am lucky to have you in my life. And because you are like this again, I know when I'm blaming you, that I'm full of it. This has nothing to do with you. All me."
How did/do you feel about his comments?
Honestly, we'll see if he backs anything up with action. I'm pretty detached and just trying to live in the moment. So far this week we have Sunday: I don't want a D. Monday: texted that we should go see a lawyer. 1 hour later: I'm sorry, you are amazing. Tuesday: I'm totally screwed up, it's me. I'm a mess.
So, yeah, I don't hold out for long periods of clarity. He was upset that he had texted my parents about my grandma's loss and that they never texted him back. I didn't play into any of these comments. I just listened. Didn't react to the lawyer or no divorce either. I just listen. All tuesday he was very remorseful, more than I've seen so far. More introspective. I finally said to him "look. I'm not ready to file. If you are, great. But here is the deal. I'm working on me. Will my parents hate you forever, don't know. Will we fight about who does the dishes and puts the kids to bed forever, don't know. But I do know, that I've been able to keep a house clean, do 3 people's laundry and not fight with you since we separated. I can set boundaries with people that I previously couldn't. That I have pride in how I'm handling our children, this pregnancy. That I'm trusting in God and not my will like I was the past year. That's what I know, today. Maybe you can just look at what you know. All the rest we will know when we are suppose to know.
He took a deep breath. And agreed.
That's when I said "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again."
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
