WOW 2, This has really given me something to think about. Since I read your post this morning, I've been going over and over what you had to say.
You are pretty much spot-on.
The idea of striving for serenity in what's left of my R with stbx, as well as in my life more generally, really appeals to me.
I've had enough drama - often of my own making, as you rightly point out (I think I have had a tendency to catastophise and panic as a first response).
I'm ready for serenity. And for shutting up (too much stream-of-conciousness gabbing in the past), being more reflective and less self-focused. Taking time to breathe and think before I react. Catching myself before I rush to judgement on almost everything.
Although, my mind immediately went to "I am the serenist!" (Do you read The Onion?)- I need to curb my competitive spirit....
Again, my friend, thank you so much for the insight and support that your sending me. You have helped me tremendously today.
Labug is right. I find myself in situations (often created by me) where I want to react. I freeze and remind myself that this is not a crisis but a problem and I can fix it. My adrenaline is pumping so I go outside and breathe. Then I remind myself that in an hour I will feel better.
I'm much more clear headed then and realize what the true problem is. Often it's looking at the bigger picture that helps me out a lot.
This is awesome you're learning this about yourself. Once you identify your defect of character you can work on it. You can be a better example to your kids ;-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Yes, it's something meditation practice can help with. I do a bit of this already but need to spend time, more routinely, building my skills. But it's also something more - and that is 2's point, I think.
It's recognising this aspect of my habitual reaction to things...the problems it creates for me and those around me. And working hard (because it is hard to break the automatic habits of a lifetime) to change how I do things/live.
2, I like your description of how you try to break the reaction cycle. That adrenalin pump is hard to ignore - and it provides a great warrant for flying off the handle.
At the moment, with stbx, I'm going to shut up, freeze (if necessary), and remove myself from the situation. My goal is to avoid being pulled into more drama, and to remain calm and polite in my dealings with him.
Reminding myself that he, too, enjoys the drama of a fight and seems to thrive on my (over-)reactions to his activities, will help me to stay on course to achieve these goals.
Post your successes. They don't have to be complete success since we are works in progress. I was so proud of myself the first time I recognized these as a habit and then from there you will be proud of yourself for catching yourself before it gets worse or after you react and you want to clean up the mess.
Take care of NLW!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
