I've learned much from this board, and think that others can read my story and maybe learn something.
So last night, my wife didn't really want to talk about anything -- and I didn't pressure her to talk. Yet today, I get another email. So now I realize, that talking is too hard for her but email is easier. I think I read in the DB book that this can happen with communication -- if not in person, via email, phone, or something else. Absolutely true. My h is an awkward phone caller. Much better in person, and in private. Dislikes an audience too... Let them find their way to communicate...and LISTEN LIKE CRAZY b/c you are "gathering intel" as if you are on a 'recon mission"....and make direct eye contact if you are there in person.
To Grizz and cbtdad, yes I now understand what others say when the MLC spouse is in a "fog" or "tunnel". My wife's emails are incoherent and in some ways out of touch with reality. But this is how she sees the world. It is difficult to accept that this person who was rational and grounded now thinks like this...
Unless you believe she's actually insane and unfit to mother your kids, it's best not to see them as crazy or irrational so much as confused...otherwise your comments will take on too much judgemental bias or smugness and it'll get you nowhere fast. AND WORST OF ALL
it keeps you from working on YOU, which is all you can control here. Since you mentioned other periods in which she was unhappy and NOT all of this is MLC behavior,
what role do you believe you played in this? And if you say "none" then that is too bad b/c it means you are utterly powerless...
luckily nearly all of us CAN and SHOULD CHANGE things in ourselves, so now is your chance to do some real growing.
What are your core 180s? Not the superficial changes, but the biggies?
She said you were critical...and I think you conceded that. Well, that's not a small flaw. It's a big drag to be around. It's negative and it [censored] out peoples' self esteem a lot...especially a woman who felt the need to have had plastic surgery...did you ask her to do that or what was your attitude with it? No judgement here, just digging and speaking of which
you have to dig a lot deeper to figure out how YOU are going to become a man only a fool would leave.
Anyway, her last email was much more encouraging in tone, suggesting "but not saying" that she may be ready to work on the marriage. We'll see. So far its been 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
Our growth, and their's and the path to reconciliation is NOT A LINEAR ONE.
Also unlike some veterans here, I'm not big on reading ALL YOU CAN about MLCs.
I call my h's behavior an MLC bc it was weird and out of character at the time. NOW I see some of it was just selfishness that had not been addressed b/c I had bought into it earlier...when I finally refused, he did his thing anyhow...and that hurt me deeply...but later,
he seemed to awaken to the reality that he was alone and didn't want that.
MEANWHILE my main point is, who cares if it's MLC?
Who said they are more likely to come home? Where is that data?
My h came home, yes.
But I think it had more to do with him missing me, the NEW ME and me keeping the road home paved and smooth,
BUT ALSO MY GAL and releasing him to his 'task'.
I had an awakening...I hope you will too.
Bottom line is, whether she's a WAW or an MLC
your course of action is the exact same anyhow.
So instead of you repeating my mistake, which was spending MONTHS reading and wondering about MLCs and if h would come home and when and
asking WHY WHY WHY this was happening...instead,
I should have asked myself what I COULD DO THEN,
to improve my life and my kids lives and to become the best woman, the best "25" I could become.
Then. no matter what my h did, I'd be better off. And paradoxically it seems to have attracted him back anyhow.
Good luck. I see hope in your sitch. Can't say what exactly will get her back but can say what will make it worse. Like an ultimatum... What would SHE SAY if we asked her why she wanted out? (Assuming she still does)
And what were her complaints during the marriage?
If she had a "crush" on some guy and it went nowhere and now she's mortified that you found out, there is a chance you can shame or corner her into justifying her choices and leaving for real. The more you challenge her choices, the more she'll be forced to defend them.
Do not do that. And do not fuel the negative images she has of you, (which is how she was justifying the leaving)
instead COUNTER those negatives with positives....the 180s...okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
