Mach, though I hear you and I ^^get it, and I believe you, it was not like that for me. So when someone else tells me they're angry, I hesitate to know what they mean and so, what to advise.
Opposite ends of the spectrum too..
You went through your process of forgiving during a reconciliation, I went through mine during a Divorce.
And that is a HUGE difference...
The timeframe that most people are heading to through the legal process, you were talking and beginning to reconcile. That stage of your anger looked a little different.
Then throw in the Venus/Mars effects too..
Originally Posted By: 25
(However, I did get an apology too.
Is it easier that way ?
It could be, it also could be harder, because forgiving was EXPECTED from him, and not something that you were ready for, yet you HAD to process in order to move forward rebuilding...
Those that have moved through the process without reconciling, don't always have that option. We deal with what is in front of us AT THAT TIME. The same as you did...AT THAT TIME...
From this day forward, means something entirely different based on those two options.
Originally Posted By: 25
As discussed earlier on this thread, & What I realized only recently, is that my children did not get an apology. And THEY need one. Now.
My h is barely aware of that b/c it seems so long ago to him. I mean that. I believe him. I told him "they're angry about the abandonment" and h thought I meant the deployment to the middle East. I said, "no, you leaving to Alaska..." H was incredulous. H said, "they're upset about way back THEN??"
It's moments like that when you realize "Wow, his recall is not mine! And never will be. And that's going to have to be okay, b/c identical memories are not mandatory". (If they are, we're all doomed).
My question to you would be this...
Yes, all of this happened when they were younger, although it would seem that you are still trying to protect them from their Father. I would ask why you are in the middle of the relationship between two grown children and their Father.
Your youngest ? I can see a little of that...
The adult children , and their Father ?
I'm not sure you can "fix" that for them, nor should you be trying to...
Is this just the "Mama Bear" in you still ?
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: 25
Situational anger...
I remember thinking along these lines..
I would get angry about what she was doing, because I didn't understand it, and then I would get angry because I was missing/losing something.
Then I would get angry because she was missing/losing out on a better person....
Because I couldn't accept what she was doing.... When I finally was able to accept what she was doing, I still didn't understand it, although I went along with it.
to ME this ^^^ is why the asking "WHY???" is so useless. The WAS often does NOT KNOW why...and or the reason "why", changes...or they lie...
but regardless, WE will probably NOT understand it anyhow.
So I say, "asking 'Why is this happening to ME?' is a waste of time.
Better to ask, 'What can I DO NOW to make myself happier & healthier?'"
You and I BOTH know, that no matter what anyone says...
The "whys" HAVE to happen.
There is NO WAY around this happening, especially in this process.
It is a key step toward healing. The answer HAS to be searched out. It MAY be found, yet more than likely, it won't be. That doesn't mean that it doesn't have to be searched for.
You know that more than anyone. Hell, you were the queen of "why".
Is this simply trying to alleviate other people of the pain ? I get that. It's just not that easy to skip that step.
When I say understood, I do not mean that I understood her, I understood the process. THAT is the understanding, and maybe I could have been clearer on that one...
The "whys"....made us better people 25...
Don't forget where you came from...and what helped build, who you are now.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: 25
When I finally understood what she was doing, and accepted it, I also accepted that she wasn't doing it TO me, but rather for herself.
Then, and only then, had I reached a place where I could fully accept, AND forgive her...
Make sense ???
YES it makes sense. The depersonalizing is helpful and crucial, like detaching....and it's super super hard to do. The asking "Why?" does not help with it either.
It does help, but only in the "process"
Not with the personal growth that needs to happen AFTER that...
Oh, and a side note ???
Just so you know ???
The RED text ?
Does nothing but confuse the colorblind...
I can't tell what you posted from what I posted on that, except I knew my words.
