Goodness gracious, the rollercoaster. Some of us on here have talked about pitching in some money for some explosives to blow that freaking rollercoaster up. On one of my threads is a post about detachment. It talks about how when the WAS goes up or down 10 feet then the LBS goes up or down 20 feet. Whereas the LBS should go up/down 5 feet. (I hope I didn't butcher that analogy). But essentially through detaching, one can stay off of the big highs and lows of the rollercoaster.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
It talks about how when the WAS goes up or down 10 feet then the LBS goes up or down 20 feet. Whereas the LBS should go up/down 5 feet. (I hope I didn't butcher that analogy). But essentially through detaching, one can stay off of the big highs and lows of the rollercoaster.
Yeah, I think I've slowly gone from +/- 20 ft to match her at +/- 10 ft. I need to keep working on this.
I'm experiencing the same stuff as you. Wife will talk about long term stuff like household purchases, a summer wedding we are going to, etc. She will go clothes shopping and bring me along and ask me for my opinion on her choices.
She talks about some things with me but then doesn't include me on others. It's like she has taken up the role a totally different person. Like she's a stranger. An aquaintance. The major change I have seen in her at home is in her relationship with our daughters. It's almost like she wants to be their friend. I don't see her playing the role of parent as much as she used to. That has me concerned.
She will say she's not in MLC, but I'm not convinced.
The major change I have seen in her at home is in her relationship with our daughters. It's almost like she wants to be their friend. I don't see her playing the role of parent as much as she used to. That has me concerned.
She will say she's not in MLC, but I'm not convinced.
Pathfinder. I see similar changes with my wife vis-a-vis our 3 daughters. She has become more of the disciplinarian, and also she puts herself and her needs ahead of them. The funny thing is that except for about 6 months after each of their births, she has always worked. So it is not as if she was a stay-at-home mom. She also doesn't show them affection in the way that she used to. I have become in some ways both Mom and Dad.
My wife has done the stay at home mom thing and has gone from being pretty strict to much softer with them. Her latest thing is mother daughter dates with them individually. I've never heard of a mom doing that. It's more of a father daughter thing.
I do mother daughter things with my 2 d's monthly. Used to do them weekly but as both girls got older and the activites became more intense, or pricier, it's now about monthly. I have sisters and many friends who do this w/their girls as well.
My h has done father daugher things ....a dozen times in their lives? I know of maybe one other dad who has as well.
Just chimin' in...will check your thread more later but had to reply to that comment about how you've never heard of mother daughter things and only father daughter.
From my experience, mother daughter is far more common, (unless you are referring to dinner dances.)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've learned much from this board, and think that others can read my story and maybe learn something.
So last night, my wife didn't really want to talk about anything -- and I didn't pressure her to talk. Yet today, I get another email. So now I realize, that talking is too hard for her but email is easier. I think I read in the DB book that this can happen with communication -- if not in person, via email, phone, or something else. Absolutely true. My h is an awkward phone caller. Much better in person, and in private. Dislikes an audience too... Let them find their way to communicate...and LISTEN LIKE CRAZY b/c you are "gathering intel" as if you are on a 'recon mission"....and make direct eye contact if you are there in person.
To Grizz and cbtdad, yes I now understand what others say when the MLC spouse is in a "fog" or "tunnel". My wife's emails are incoherent and in some ways out of touch with reality. But this is how she sees the world. It is difficult to accept that this person who was rational and grounded now thinks like this...
Unless you believe she's actually insane and unfit to mother your kids, it's best not to see them as crazy or irrational so much as confused...otherwise your comments will take on too much judgemental bias or smugness and it'll get you nowhere fast. AND WORST OF ALL
it keeps you from working on YOU, which is all you can control here. Since you mentioned other periods in which she was unhappy and NOT all of this is MLC behavior,
what role do you believe you played in this? And if you say "none" then that is too bad b/c it means you are utterly powerless...
luckily nearly all of us CAN and SHOULD CHANGE things in ourselves, so now is your chance to do some real growing.
What are your core 180s? Not the superficial changes, but the biggies?
She said you were critical...and I think you conceded that. Well, that's not a small flaw. It's a big drag to be around. It's negative and it [censored] out peoples' self esteem a lot...especially a woman who felt the need to have had plastic surgery...did you ask her to do that or what was your attitude with it? No judgement here, just digging and speaking of which
you have to dig a lot deeper to figure out how YOU are going to become a man only a fool would leave.
Anyway, her last email was much more encouraging in tone, suggesting "but not saying" that she may be ready to work on the marriage. We'll see. So far its been 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
Our growth, and their's and the path to reconciliation is NOT A LINEAR ONE.
Also unlike some veterans here, I'm not big on reading ALL YOU CAN about MLCs.
I call my h's behavior an MLC bc it was weird and out of character at the time. NOW I see some of it was just selfishness that had not been addressed b/c I had bought into it earlier...when I finally refused, he did his thing anyhow...and that hurt me deeply...but later,
he seemed to awaken to the reality that he was alone and didn't want that.
MEANWHILE my main point is, who cares if it's MLC?
Who said they are more likely to come home? Where is that data?
My h came home, yes.
But I think it had more to do with him missing me, the NEW ME and me keeping the road home paved and smooth,
BUT ALSO MY GAL and releasing him to his 'task'.
I had an awakening...I hope you will too.
Bottom line is, whether she's a WAW or an MLC
your course of action is the exact same anyhow.
So instead of you repeating my mistake, which was spending MONTHS reading and wondering about MLCs and if h would come home and when and
asking WHY WHY WHY this was happening...instead,
I should have asked myself what I COULD DO THEN,
to improve my life and my kids lives and to become the best woman, the best "25" I could become.
Then. no matter what my h did, I'd be better off. And paradoxically it seems to have attracted him back anyhow.
Good luck. I see hope in your sitch. Can't say what exactly will get her back but can say what will make it worse. Like an ultimatum... What would SHE SAY if we asked her why she wanted out? (Assuming she still does)
And what were her complaints during the marriage?
If she had a "crush" on some guy and it went nowhere and now she's mortified that you found out, there is a chance you can shame or corner her into justifying her choices and leaving for real. The more you challenge her choices, the more she'll be forced to defend them.
Do not do that. And do not fuel the negative images she has of you, (which is how she was justifying the leaving)
instead COUNTER those negatives with positives....the 180s...okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do mother daughter things with my 2 d's monthly. Used to do them weekly but as both girls got older and the activites became more intense, or pricier, it's now about monthly. I have sisters and many friends who do this w/their girls as well.
My h has done father daugher things ....a dozen times in their lives? I know of maybe one other dad who has as well.
Just chimin' in...will check your thread more later but had to reply to that comment about how you've never heard of mother daughter things and only father daughter.
From my experience, mother daughter is far more common, (unless you are referring to dinner dances.)
Thanks, for the reply on that. It makes me feel better to hear that you have done that as well. Maybe I'm just clueless on the relationship side of life.
what role do you believe you played in this? And if you say "none" then that is too bad b/c it means you are utterly powerless...
luckily nearly all of us CAN and SHOULD CHANGE things in ourselves, so now is your chance to do some real growing.
What are your core 180s? Not the superficial changes, but the biggies?
She said you were critical...and I think you conceded that. Well, that's not a small flaw. It's a big drag to be around. It's negative and it [censored
out peoples' self esteem a lot...especially a woman who felt the need to have had plastic surgery...did you ask her to do that or what was your attitude with it? No judgement here, just digging and speaking of which
you have to dig a lot deeper to figure out how YOU are going to become a man only a fool would leave.
I have been doing Sandie's list of 37 things. Additionally, for 180's I have avoided any complaints about minor, trival things. I think this has changed the dynamics in our relationship. I am also non-judgmental about bigger thigs. For example, three weeks ago my wife was on a business trip and left her pocketbook in the cafeteria. When she returned it was gone. All her money, ID, and etc was stolen. What a hassle. When she told me, I just commiserated with her. In the past, I probably would have criticised her too.
I have tried to be more dominant in the family in terms of deciding what to do, etc. I've done some things for the kids that she normally has done (and basically has stopped doing). I did the Christmas shopping for example.
I have done more in terms of GAL. I have started flying lessons -- something I always was interested in but thought I didn't have time or it was too expensive. (Well that's a 180 for me because I normally worry about money). I changed my casual wardrobe, I've done a lot on appearance too.
I like your advice and think all of these have helped the situation.
I'm making progress on detaching. Stopped snooping.
Thursday evening I knew she wanted to go to the gym after work again (she went on Monday and Wednesday already this week). So I purposely came home late after she would be gone because I want to be mysterious – have her guessing what I’m doing. Her mom is here so I know it won’t keep her from going and consequently being mad at me. I think it worked. She came home right afterwards and she also asked me what I did that day in a vague way. I played as if she meant at work, and told her about my workday. She asked again later about my day too.
What was I doing? Well I went shopping for new pants because between losing some weight and exercise I need pants with a smaller waist. I also looked to buy her perfum for her 42nd B-day which is next week. Yes, I decided to buy her a present because our living arrangements are good, and with my DB coach we figured that her main love language is gifts.
I also made some progress in detaching because my instinct when coming home was to drive to the gym to see if she was really there. I did not. Instead I came in, ate dinner, read to my youngest daughter, and then worked on the fire place, which is when my W returned.
After the kids were in bed my wife said, come let's go take a shower. Then we talked about flying (my GAL hobby now) while she was doing her hair.
