Running out of steam

[mrtwopointfour]

So its been about 5 weeks since my bomb drop. I found out through being suspicious after weeks of bad atmosphere, no intimacy, touching, and very late nights by W (within house). I made the decision to snoop and found messages between W and a OP. The world fell from beneath my feet. W told me ILYB and that she loved him, and she wanted a D.

We have been M for 9 yrs, together 15, 2 kids 5 and 8. A happy marriage, but had its issues. Wife lost a parent a few years back which was slow and painful for all concerned. Since then things have not been the same.

We are still living in same house, this looks to be how it will be for months to come until we sort finance, W needs FT Job. We agree on 50/50 on all including kids. W is pushing for D, I am reluctantly going along, what choice do I have. If I resist it causes her to pull away more.

I have asked about OP, and W still in contact, says OP is important to her and a special friend. Not yet met, and no plans yet or to peruse further as its not the right time to do that. I believe OP is M, w Kids and in another state.

I have read Andrew Marshalls books ILYB and My wife does not love me, as well as Help your Partner say yes. These have been great inspiration. And although W has noticed great change in me, which I am doing for me, says nothing has changed, she can't tell me what I want to hear. I also make a lot of mistakes, silly ones which I don't think through before I act, which seems to happen every week when I get myself back together. Which I fear just make the decision concrete in W mind. Another thing from the long list of issues, to prove W is doing the right thing.

Main issues in M are that we are not independent enough, i have taken W for granted, not shown enough love and affection - or shown it the wrong way (through gifts and going out of way to do anything for her), but more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way - W feels she needs to have her own life where she can do what she wants, not have to answer to anybody.

I have apologised for all my errors, and acknowledged how this would make her feel, as explained in A Marshall's books. And this upset her, and made her explain a lot more, as well as say how guilt she felt and how that would never leave her. I have now ordered DR.

I have tried some 180's which are being noticed. But i feel like things are getting worse. We are getting along very well, better than the last few years, but where I used to make her laugh all the time - I can't - maybe through trying too hard! As I said I keep making silly mistakes, which to W look like I am tracking or keeping tabs. This then pulls us apart an W does not communicate.

I am not sure the full on DB approach will work, or maybe I am afraid W will see this as me accepting and therefore she will move on quicker. But is my more subtle approach just coming across as false, like I am just not taking the situation and what she wants seriously.

Also wedding rings. W does not wear hers. I am wearing mine. Should this be taken off to make her realise I am taking this seriously.

I wish I could stop thinking about it. 24 hours, even my dreams. I am trying not to panic, trying to be patient - but every day seems like an up hill struggle with the occasional fall and starting at the bottom again.